Punch (99.1890)

October 4, 1890.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI. 157

MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.

New Semes.—Important Announcement.

This age has been called an Ape of Progress, an Age of Reform,
811 Age of Intellect, an Age of Shams; everything in fact except
?n.Age of Prizes. And yet, it is perhaps as an Age of Prizes that
« is destined to be chiefly remembered. The humble but frantic
solver of Acrostics has had his turn, the correct expounder of the
*aw of Hard Cases has by this time established a complete code of
etiquette; the doll-dresser, the epigram-maker, the teller of witty
stories, the calculator who can discover by an instinct the number
ie^ers in a given page of print, all have displayed their ingenuity,
and have been magnificently rewarded by prizes varying in value
from the mere publication of their names, up to a policy of life
insurance, or a completely furnished mansion in Peckham Rye. In
Ia°t, it has been calculated by competent actuaries that taking a
generation at about thirty-three years, and making every reasonable
allowance for errors of postage, stoppage in transitu, fraudulent
bankruptcies and unauthorised conversions, 120 per cent, of all
Persons alive in Great Britain and Ireland in any given day of
twenty-four hours, must have received a prize of some sort.
. Novelists, however, have not as yet received a prize of any sort, at
^east as novelists. The reproach is about to he removed. A prize
ot -41000 has been offered for the best novel by the Editor of a news-
Paper. The most distinguished writers are, so it is declared, entered

°r the Competition, but only the name of the prize-winner is to be
ipVealed, only the prize-winning novel is to be published. Such at
■pa?t nas been the assurance given to all the eminent authors by the
^wtor in question. But Mr. Punch laughs at other people's

ssurances, and by means of powers conferred upon him by himself
Jv, ™at purpose, he has been able to obtain access to all the novels
to ?° sent ™' anc^ now Publish a selection of Prize Novels,
^>j?ether with the names of their authors, and a few notes of his own,

nerever the text may seem to require them.

J\a acting thus Mr. Punch feels, in the true spirit of the newest

ami, -^eviewest °f Reviews, that he is conferring a favour on the -—--—

Som concenled by allowing them the publicity of these columns, some ribs of beef lying in the doorway, and before I had time to say
tion -mes Pruning and condensation may be necessary. The opera- I preferred my beef without any boot-blacking, I fell head-first
hiir^ur} be Performed as kindly_as circumstances permit. It is against an immense sirloin on the parlour table. Mrs. Moser called

all the men who were loafing around, and all the boys and girls, and
they carved away at the sirloin for five hours without being able to
get my head out. At last an old gentleman, who was having his
dinner there, said he couldn't bear whiskers served up as a vegetable
with his beef. Then they knew they'd got near my face, so they
sent away the Coroner and. pulled me out, arid when I got home my
coat-tail pockets were full of old ham-bones. The boy did that—
young varmint! I '11 ham-bone him when I catch him next!

Sis Reverence. "Dinner, 7 30. I'll give you a Quarter of an
Hour's Grace I"

His Irreverence. "Then commence at 7'30, and I'll be there
at 7-45 I "

Mdly necessary to add that Mr."Punch will give his own prize in
beat0!°re way* an^ ai' own time, to the author he may deem the
st. And herewith Mr. Punch gives a specimen of—

No. I.—ONE MAN IN A COAT.

Aunv O. K. Akry, Author of " Stige Fices," " Cheap Words of a
Chippy Chappie" etsctterer.)

leav^f ato:ry Note.—This Novel was carefully wrapped up in some odd
in ^AKK Twain's Innocents Abroad, and was accompanied by a letter

save th° autnor declared that the book was worth £3000, but that "to
£l0nruV more blooming trouble," he would be willing to take the prize of
wo by return of post, and say no more about it—Ed.]

T Chapter I.

notio^aS a^ ^ne Slavey what got us intn the mes3. Have yon ever

00 Mi +Tnat a way a Slavey has of snuffling aud saying, "Lor, Sir,
your a ou?n*; it ? " 011 the slightest provocation. She comes into
nieer r^0m •1'u^t as you are aD°ut to fill your finest two-handei
in Vg "aum with Navy-cut, and looks at you with a far-away look
her n ^?S'i ano" a wisp °^ nair winding carelessly round the neck of
about?? ss- You murmur something in an insinuating way
wh« i , box of Vestas you bought last night from the blind man
oorne tl outside/'The Old King of Prussia" pub round the
rnsh t Then one of her hairpins drops into the fireplace, and you
bead ^ ^ UP' ana Bne rushes at the same moment, and your
wearv" vS °rack against her head, and you see some stars, and a
inclirf <f 1+ °^ sensation comes over you, and just as you feel
comj, j °p sen<^ t'or the cat's-meat man down the next court to
ladv an j °b y°u away to the Dogs' Home, in bounces your land-
We'r^J-i Wlth two or three "Well, I nevers!" and "There's an
booths usseyi for y°u! " nearly bursts the patent non-combustible
Heck by y°U lent last night to hang the brass locket round her

a rum1'1'*1 Says nis lan,llady's different, but then Pottle always was
bis land1|1^an^ I10^0^y knows what old. rag-and-bone shop he gets
a|lvise p le? Ir0In. I always get mine only at the best places, and
^°seu lJ i y e*se to Q0 tbe same. I mentioned this once to Bill
the Hi'o.}T«? looks after the calico department in the big store in
knowev i??et' but he only sniffed, and said, "G-arne, you don't
bitn onJ+ry P-ink! " which was rude of him. I might have given
bnt I m rf bimself just then, but I didn't. I always was a lamb ;
Bbop Wpf ev.up my mind that next time I go into the ham-and-beef
froni tj i .y old- Mother Moser I'11 sav something about " 'orses
j^e'gnim" that the old lady won't like.

1 Went it e7ret s° into a ham-a"d-beef shop? It's just like this.

into Moser's last week. Just when I got in I tripped over

Chapter II.

Let me see, what was I after ? Oh, yes, I remember. I was
going to tell you about our Slavey and tbe pretty pickle she got us
into. I'm not sure it wasn't Pottle's fault. I said to him, just
as he was wiping his mouth on the back of his hand after his fourth
pint of shandy-gaff, "Pottle, my boy," I said, "you're no end
of a chap for shouting ' Cash forward!' so that all the girls in the
shop hear you and say to one another, ' My, what a lovely voice
that young Pottle's got!' But you're not much good at helping
a pal to order a new coat, nor for the matter of that, in helping him
to try it on." But Pottle only hooked up his nose and looked
scornful. Well, when the coat came home the Slavey brought it up,
and put it on my best three-legged chair, and then flung out of the
room with a toss of her head, as much as to say, "'Ere's extrava-
gance ! " First I looked at the coat, and then the coat seemed to
look at me. Then I lifted it up and put it down again, and sent
out for three-ha'porth of gin. Then 1 tackled the blooming thing
again. One arm went in with a ten-horse power shove. Next I
tried the other. After no end of fumbling I found the sleeve. "In
you go! " I said to my arm, and in he went, only it happened to be
the breast-pocket. I jammed, the pocket creaked, but I jammed
hardest, and in went my fist, and out went the pocket.

Then I sat down, tired and sad, and the lodging-house cat came in
and lapped up the milk for my tea, and Moser's bull-dog just
looked me up, and went off with the left leg of my trousers, and the
landlady's little boy peeped round the door and cried, " Oh, Mar, the
poor gentleman's red in the face —I'm sure he's on fire! " And the
local fire-brigade was called up, and they pumped on me for ten
minutes, and then wrote " Inextinguishable " in their note-books,
and went home; and all the time I couldn't move, because my arms
were stuck tight in a coat two sizes too small for me.

Chatier III.

The Slavey managed-

[No, thank you. No more.— Ed.]

Favourite Tool or Railway Companies.—A Screw-Driver 3