Punch (99.1890)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Ociobeb ll, 1890.

172

HOW IT'S DONE.

A Handbook to Honesty.
No. I.—"I'm Monabch of All I Survey/"
ScMTE— Interior of newly-erected building. _ Present, the Builder
and a Surveyor, the former looking timidly foxy, the latter
knowingly pompous, and floridly self-important; Builder, in
dusty suit of dittoes, carries one hand in his breeches-pocket,
where he chinks certain metallic substances—which may be coins
or keys —nervously and intermittently. Surveyor, a burly
mass of broadcloth and big watch-chain, carries an intimidating
note-book, and a menacing pencil, making mems. in a staccato
and stabbing fashion, which is singularly nerve- shaking.

Surveyor {speaking with his pencil in his mouth). Well, Mister—
er—er—er— Wotsebname, I—er—think—'m, 'm, 'm—things seem,
to be pretty right as far's I can see; though of course-

Builder (hastily). Oh, I assure you I've taken the greatest pains
to conform to—er—rules in—er—in every way; though if there
should be any little thing that ketches your eye, why, you've only
to-

Surveyor. Oh, of course, of course! We know all about that.
You see I can only go by rule. "What's right's right; what's

wrong's wrong; that's about the size of it. I'ye nothing to do
with it, one way or another, except to see the law carried out.

Builder. Ex—ack—ly! However, if you've seen all you want
to, we may as well step over to the " Crown and Thistle," and-

Surveyor {suddenly). By the way, I suppose this wall is properly
underpinned ?

Builder (nervously). Well—er—not exackly—but, 'er, 'er—well,
the fact is I thought-

Surveyor (sternly). What you thought. Sir, doesn't affect the
matter. The question is, what the Building Act says. The whole
thing must come down !

Builde>: But, I say, that '11 run me into ten pounds, at least, and
really the thing's as safe as--

Surveyor. Maybe, maybe— in fact, I don't say it isn't. But the
Act says it's got to be done.

Builder. Well, well, if there's no help for it, I must do it, of
oourse.

Surveyor (looking somehow disappointed). Very sorry, of course,
but you see what must be must.

Builder (sadly). Yes, yes, no doubt. Well (brightening), anyhow,
we may as well step over to the " Crown and Thistle," and crack a
bottle of champagne.

Surveyor (also brightening). Well, ours is a dusty job, and I don't
care if I do.

[ They do so. Surveyor drinks his full share of Heidsieck, and
smokes a cigar of full size and flavour. He and Builder
exchange reminiscences concerning past professional expe-
riences, the "tricks of trade," diverse devices for " dodging
the Act," fyc, 8fC Surveyor explains how stubborn
builders (" not like you, you know"), toho don't do the thing
handsome, often suffer by having to run themselves to ex-
penses that might have been avoided—and serve 'em right
too ! Also, how others, without a temper above "tips," and
of a generally gentlemanly tone of mind, save themselves lots
of little extras, which, maybe, the letter of the law would
exact, but which a Surveyor of sense and good feeling can
get over, " and no harm done, neither, to nobody." As the
wine circulates, it is noticeable that good-fellowship grows
almost boisterous, and facetiousness mellows into chuckling
cynicism of the winking, waggish, "we all do it" sort.
Surveyor (tossing off last glass, and smacking his lips). Well, well,
the best of friends must part, and I guess I must be toddling. Very

glad to have met you, I'm sure, and a better bit of building than
yours yonder I haven't seen for some time. Seems a pity, hanged if
it don't, that you should have to put yourself to such an additional
outlay—ah, by the way, what did you say it would C03t you ?
Builder. Oh, about ten pounds, I suppose.

Surveyor (lighting another cigar). Humph! (Puff! puff!)
Pity—pity! (Puff! puff!) Now look here, my boy—(confidentially)
—suppose you and me just divide that tenner between us, five to
you, and five to me ; and, as to the " underpinning "—well,
nobody '11 be a bit the wiser, and the building won't be a halfpenny
the worse, I'll bet my boots. Come, is it a bargain?

[After a little beating about the bush, the little "job " is arranged
amicably, on the practical basis of " a fiver each, and mum's
the word on both sides," thus evading the law, saving the
Builder a few pounds, and supplementing the salary of the
Surveyor. Ulterior results, unsanitary or otherwise, do not
come within the compass of this sketch.

STRANGER, THAN FICTION !

(Postmarks—Leeds, Hull, and Elsewhere.)

Me. Punch: was assisting at a Congress. The large room in which
that Congress was being held was crowded, and consequently the
heat was oppressive. The speeches, too, were not particularly
interesting, and the Sage became drowsy. It was fortunate, there-
fore, that a fair maiden in a classical garb (who suddenly appeared
seated beside him) should have addressed him. The interruption
reassembled in their proper home his wandering senses.

" I fear, Mr. Punch," said the fair maiden, looking at herself in
a small mirror which she was holding in her right hand, " that you
are inclined to go to sleep."

" Well, I am," replied the Sage, with unaccountable bluntness;
"truth to tell, these orations about nothing in particular, spouted
by persons with an imperfect knowledge of, i should say, almost any
subject, bore me."

" The information is unnecessary," observed the young lady, with
a smile. "I share your feelings. But if you will be so kind as
to pay a little attention to the speakers while they are under my
influence, I think you will discover a ne w interest in their utterances."

" Are you an hypnotist, Madam ?" asked Mr. Punch.

" Well, not exactly. But, when I have the chance, I can make
people speak the Truth."

Then Mr. Punch listened, and was surprised at the strange things
that next happened.

"I wish to be perfectly frank with you," said a gentleman on
the platform ; "I am here because I wish to see my name in the
papers, and all the observations I have made up to date have been
addressed to the reporters. I am glad I can control my thoughts,
because I would not for worlds let you know the truth. It is my
ambition to figure as a philanthropist, and on my word, I think this
is the cheapest and most effective mode of carrying out my
intention."

Then the gentleman resumed his seat with a smile that suggested
that he was under the impression that he had just delivered himself
of sentiments bound to extort universal admiration.

"That is not exactly my case," observed a second speaker,
"because I do not care two pins for anything save the entertain-
ments which are invariably associated with scientific research, or
philanthropical inquiry. I pay my guinea, after considerable delay,
and then expect to takeout five times that amount in grudgingly
bestowed, but competitionally provoked (if I may be pardoned the
expression) hospitality. I attend a portion—a small portion—of a
lecture, and then hurry off to the nearest free luncheon, or gratuitous
dinner, in the neighbourhood. I should be a tax upon my friends
if I dropped in at half-past one, or at a quarter to eight, punctually,
and my motives would be too wisely interpreted to a desire on my
part to reduce the sum total of my butcher's book. So I merely drop
in upon a place where a Congress is being held, and make the most
of my membership."

" These startling statements are decidedly unconventional," said
Mr. Punch, turning towards his fair companion, " and that your
influence should cause them to be made, astounds me. I trust you
will not consider me indiscreet if I ask for-"

"My name and address," returned the fair maiden, smilingly,
completing the sentence; "Learn, then, that I live at the bottom
of a well, to which rather damp resting-place I am about to return;
and that in England I am called Truth."

And as the lady disappeared, Mr. Punch fell from his chair, and
awoke!

"Dear me, I have been dreaming!" exclaimed the Sage, as he
left the meeting. "Well, as everyone knows, dreams are not in
the least like reality! But the strangest thing of all was to find
Truth in a Congress! "

And it was strange, indeed.