Punch (99.1890)

196 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [October 25, 1890.

compartment). Polly, when these people are gone, I wish you'd
fetch me my work!

[The Sightseers move on, feeling crushed. In the second com-
partment the upper portion of a female is discovered, calmly
Knitting in the centre of a small table, the legs of which are
distinctly visible.
The Female S. "Why, wherever has the rest of her got to ?
The Oriental Beauty {with conscious superiority). That's what
you've got to find out.

{They pass on to interview " Galatea, or Pygmalion's Dream,"
whose compartment is as yet enveloped in obscurity.
A Youthful Showman (apparently on familiar terms with all the
Illusions). Ladies and Gentlemen, I shell now 'ave the honour of
persentin' to you the wonderful Galatear, or LiYin' Statue ; you will
'ave an oppertoonity of 'andling the bust for yourselves, which will
warm before your eyes into living flesh, and the lovely oreecher live
and speak. 'Ere, look sharp, carn't yer'! [ To Galatea,

Pygmalion's Dream {from the mystic gloom). Wait a bit, till I've
done warming my 'ands. Now you can turn the lights up . . .
there, you've bin and turned 'em out now, stoopid!

The Y. S. Don't you excite yourself. I know what I'm doin'.
{Turns the lights up, and reveals a large terra-cotta Bust.) At my
request, this young lydy will now perceed to assoom the yew and
kimplexion of life itself. Galatear, will you oblige us by kindly
coming to life ?

[The Bust vanishes, and is replaced by a decidedly earthly
Young Woman in robust health.
The Y. S. Thenk you. That's all I wanted of yer. Now, will
you kindly return to your former styte ?

[The Young TVoman transforms herself into a hideous Skull.
The Y. S. {in a tone of remonstrance). No—no, not that ridiklous
fice! We don't want to see what yer will be—it's very hike yer,

I know, but still-{The Skull changes to the Bust.) Ah, that's

more the stoyle! (Takes the Bust by the neck and hands it round
for inspection.) And now, thenking you for your kind attention,
and on'y orskin' one little fyvour of you, that is, that you will not
reveal 'ow it is done, I will now bid you a very good evenin', Lydies
and Gentlemen!

The F. S. {outside). It's wonderful how they can do it all for
threepence, isn't it ? We haven't seen She yet!

Her Comp. What, 'aven't you seen wonders enough? Come on,
then. But you are going it, you know!

[They enter a small room, at the further end of tohich are a
barrier and proscenium with drawn hangings.

The Exhibitor {in a confidential tone, punctuated by bows). I will
not keep you waiting, Ladies and Gentlemen, but at once proceed
with a few preliminary remarks. Most of you, no doubt, have read
that celebrated story by Mr. Rldek Haggard, about a certain She-
who-musi-be-obeyed, and who dwelt in a place called Kor, and you
will also doubtless remember how she was in the 'abit of repairing,
at certain intervals, to a cavern, and renooing her youth in a fiery
piller. On one occasion, wishing to indooce her lover to foller her
example, she stepped into the flame to encourage him—something
went wrong with the works, and she was instantly redooced to
a cinder. _ 1 fortunately 'appened to be near at the time (you will
esouse a little wild fib from a showman, I'm sure !) I 'appened to be
porsin by, and was thus enabled to secure the ashes of the Wonderful
She, which — {draws hangings and reveals a shallow metal Urn
suspended in the centre of scene), are now before you enclosed in that
little urn. She—where are you ?

She {in a full sweet voice, from below). I am 'ere!

Showman. Then appear !
[The upper portion of an exceedingly comely Young Person emerges
from the mouth of the Urn.

The F. S. {startled). Lor, she give me quite a turn !

Showman. Some people think this is all done by mirrors, but it is
not so; it is managed by a simple arrangement of light and shade.
She will now turn slowly round, to convince you that she is really
inside the urn and not merely beyind it. (She turns round conde-
scendingly.) She will next pass her 'ands completely round her,
thereby demonstrating the utter impossibility of there being any
wires to support her. Now she will rap on the walls on each side of
her, proving to you that she is no reflection, but a solid reality, after
which she will tap the bottom of the urn beneath her, so that you
may see it really is what it purports to be. (She performs all these
actions w» the most obliging manner.) She will now disappear for a
moment. (She sinks into the Urn.) Are you still there, She ?

She {from the recess of the Urn). Yes.

Showman. Then will you give us some sign of your presence ?
(A hand and arm are protruded, and waved gracefully).) Thank you.
Now you can come up again. (She re-appears.) She will now
answer any questions any lady or gentleman may like to put to her,
always provided you won't ask her how it is done—for I'm sure she
wouldn't give me away, would you, She ?

She {with a slow bow and gracious smile). Certingly not.

The F.S. {to her Companion). Ask her something—do.

Her Comp. Go on! I ain't got anything to ask her—ask her
yourself!

A Bolder Spirit {with interest). Are yovccfeet warm ?

She. Quite—thenks.

The Showman. How old are you, She ?

She {impressively). Two theousand years.

'Arry. And quite a young thing, too I

A Spectator {who has read the Novel). 'Ave you 'eard from Leo
ViNCEr lately ?

She {coldly). I don't know the gentleman.

Showman. If you have no more questions to ask her, She will now
retire into her urn, thenking you all for your kind attendance this
morning, whioh will conclude the entertainment.

[Final disappearance of She. The Audience pass out, feeling—
with perfect justice—that they have " had their money's
ivorth."

HOW IT'S DONE.

A Hand-book to Honesty.
No. III.—Gbandmoiheblt Govebnhent.
Scene I.—St. Stephen's. Sagacious Legislator on his legs advocating
a new Anti-Adulteration Act. Few M.P.'s present, most of
them drowsing.

Sagacious Legislator. As I was saying, Sir, the adulteration of
Butter has been pushed to Buch abominable lengths that no British

Workman knows
whether what he
is eating is the
product of the Cow
or of the Thames
mud - hanks. {A
snigger.) Talk of
a Free Breakfast
Table! I would
free the Briton's
Breakfast Table
from the unwhole-
Eome incubus of
Adulteration. At
any rate, if the
customer chooses
to purohase butter
which is not butter,
he shall do it
knowingly, with
his eyes open.
{Feeble " Hear,
hear ! " ) Under
this Act anything
which is not absolutely unsophisticated milk-made Butter must he
plainly marked, and openly vended as Adipocerene!

[Amidst considerable applause the Act is passed.

Scene II.—Small Butterman's shop in a poor neighbourhood.
Burly white-apron'd Proprietor behind counter. To him enter
a pasty-faced Workman, with a greasy pat of something wrapped
in a leaf from a ledger.

Workman. I say, Guv'nor, lookyehere. This 'ere stuff as you sold
my old woman is simply beastly. I don't believe it's butter at all.

Butterman {sneeringly). And who said it was f What did your
Missus buy it as ?

Workman. Why, Adipo—whot's it, I believe. But that's only
another name for butter of a cheaper sort, ain't it ? Anyhow, it's
no reason why it should be nasty.

Butterman {loftily). Now look here, my man, what do you expect ?
That's Adipocerene, that is, and sold as such. If you '11 pay for
Butter, you can have it, hut if you ask for this here stuff, you must
take yer chance.

Workman. But what's it made on ?

Butterman. That's no business of mine. If you could anerlyse it
—(mind, I don't say yer could)—into stale suet and sewer-scrapings,
you couldn't prove as it warn't Adipocerene, same as it's sold for,
could yer ?

Workman (hotly). But hang it, I don't want stale suet and sewer-
scrapings, whatsomever you may call it.

Butterman (decisively). Then buy Butter, and pay for it like a
man, and don't come a-bothering me about things as I've nothink
to do with. If Guv'ment will have it called Adipocerene, and your
Missus will buy it becos it's cheap ; don't you blame me if you find
it nasty, that's all. Good morning!

[Retires up, swelling wisibly."
Workman. Humph! Betwixt Grandmotherly Government and
Manufacturers of Mysteriousness, where ami? That's wot I want
to know I [Left wanting to know.