Punch (99.1890)

228 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [November 8, 1890.

IN OUR GARDEN.

umsday Morning.—Still in Edin-
burgh, but going home to-night.
Just received telegram from
Member for Sabk. "Come home
at once," he says; " the Pero-
nospora Schleideniana has got
at the onions."

Rather a shook to have news
like this flashed upon one with
that absence of deliberation that
sometimes marks the telegraph
service. But I cannot say I am
surprised. I had, indeed,'before
leaving, called Sabk's attention
to what I recognised as the
greyish mycelial threads of the
fungus spreading upon the pipes
and budding seed-heads. If
Sabk had steeped the seed in
sulphate of copper before planting it, this wouldn't have happened. It's
a pity, for I rather thought we would make something towards expenses
out of that onion-bad. There's no more profitable crop than your pickling
onions if weil farmed. I know a man who made £150 an acre out of
his onions. But then he wasn't hampered in his arrangements with a
fellow like SjEK.

Called on Mr. Gr. to say good-bye. He was sympathetic about the
onion blight, but 1 could see that his mind was occupitd with other and
perhaps equally saddening thoughts.

" I suppose you have been made aware of the intelligence that has
reached me through the usual sources ? " he said. " I have had a pretty
good time here. I have belaboured the Grovernment from all points of
attack. I think I managed pretty well with the Disestablishment
Question. You don't think, Tobst," he said, with a passing look of
deeper apprehension, "that I gave myself away at all on the matter?
The worst of these fellows is that they keep a record of every word I
say, a custom which seriously hampers one in his movements. What 1
should like, if it were permitted, would be to come quite fresh to a ques-
tion year after year, and say upon it exactly what happened to be con-
venient^ without having before my eyes the certainty that somebody
would dig out what I said on the same subject last year, or five years
ago."

I assured him that I thought not much could be made out of his
remarks on Disestablishment Q,ueslion. In fact ic would be difficult to
prove that he had said anything at all. Brightened up at this; but
cloud again deepened over his mobile face.

" Yes, perhaps I've done pretty welt," he said, with a sigh. " I have
steered through a very difficult position without running ashore ; I have
had an immense popular reception; I have stirred up the constituency,
and have, if I may say so, supplied with fresh oil the sacred lamp of
Liberalism. Now, just when I was beginning in some modest measure
to felicitate myself, thf-re comes news of a crushing master-stroke devised
by the Government. Though I do not disguise my discomfiture, I would
not withhold my tribute of admiration at the brilliancy of the stroke, of
the genius of its conception, and of the completeness with which it has
been dealt. I have been here more than a week, and have delivered
four speeches. The Government and their friends on the platform and
in the press affect to sneer at my efforts and their influence. Still, they
feel it is necessary to make a counter-demonstration, and. to effectually
undo whatever work I may have accomplished. What course do they
adopt ? Why, they send down Ashmeab-Bartlett. He was at

Dalkeith last night, and, in a single speech, destroyed the effect
of my great effort of Saturday. He will go to West Calder; he
will come here; he will follow me step by step with relentless
energy, tearing up, so to speak, the rails I have laid, and which
I had hoped would have safely conducted the Liberal train into
the Westminster station. Sic vos non vohis. It is cruel, it is
crushing. If I had only foreseen it, I would have remained at
Hawarden, and you might have averted the calamity that over-
shadows your Garden."

Quite distressed to see my venerated friend broken down. Bad
for him to stop at home and brood over calamity. Best thing
would be change of scene and thought. He had made engage-
ment to-day to go to Pumpherston and inspect oil and candle
works. Better keep it.

" Wo," said Mr. G., wearily, " oil comforts me not, nor candles
either. Now, if it were pork, it would be different. Few things
so interesting as pork. Not from a dietetic point of view, but re-
garded historically. As I mentioned to a Correspondent the other
day, in the course of Homeric work I have examined into the
use of pork by the ancients. A very curious subject. I shall
make some references to it in the closing paper which I am
writing for Good Words on the Old Testament. I am under the
impression that the dangers which lurk beneath the integument
of a leg (or sirloin) of pork, are specially connected with the heat
of Southern climates."

Curious to see how rapidly his aspect changed as these thoughts
pressed upon his mind. When I came in, he had been sitting in
an arm-chair, with his head resting on his hand, and his brow
painfully wrinkled. He looked quite old—at least seventy. Now
he was up, walking about the room with springy stride, his mind
actively engaged in framing theories on the use of pork by Homer's
contemporaries. If I could only keep him engaged, he would
forget the blow that had descended upon him, and would regain
his usual equanimity. A question as to whether he thought
Achilles liked sage with his pork, cunningly led him on to a long
disquisition, till, in a quarter of an hour, he was quite a changed
man, and set out with great energy for Pumpherston.

Pine enthusiasm along the route. Immense reception from the
working men. Splendid luncheon set out at one end of the shed
where we were assembled ; bill of fare included crude oil, sulphate
of ammonia, various mineral oils, and candles made from paraffin.
There was no wine, but plenty of ammonia-water. Manager pre-
sented Mrs. G. with bust in paraffin wax, which he said was Mr.
G. Also handed her a packet of dios cunningly carved in the
likeness of Herbert, the wick combed out so as to represent
a shock of hair. Mr. G. delighted; standing on a barrel of paraffin,
he addressed the company in a luminous speech, tracing back the
candle to the earliest times. That candles existed in the Mosaic
era, he reminded them, was shown by the question which had
puzzled succeeding ages—as to the precise locality in which the
great Law-giver stood when the medium of illumination provided
for his convenience was suddenly extinguished. This was a great
hit; enthusiasm knew no bounds. Hospitality of the Pumpherston
people really embarrassing; they filled our pockets with candles
of all sizes and descriptions, and insisted upon each of us taking
away a quart bottle of paraffin oil imperfectly corked.

Never shall I forget the radiant look of Mr. G. as he left the
works loaded with candles and congratulations, whilst ;Mrs. G.,
walking by his side, carefully carried the bust in paraffin wax. He
had evidently forgotten all about Ashmeab-Babtxett,

DEATH-BALL; OR, A NEW NAME FOR IT.

Yesterday the celebrated Midland Spine-splitters met the
Riborackiog Rovers at the prepared Ambulance Grounds re-
cently opened in conjunction with the local County Hospital. A
large staff of medical men, supplied with all the necessary sur-
gical appliances, were in attendance. Play commenced effectively,
the Rovers keeping the ball well before them, with only a few
broken arms, a dislocated thigh, and a fractured jaw or two.
Later, however, affairs moved more briskly, one of the Spine-
splitter forwards getting the ball well down to goal; but, being
met with "opposition," he was carried senseless from the field.
A lively scrimmage followed, amid a general cracking of ribs and
B tapping of spines. The field now being covered with wounded,
t!i3 Police interfered, and the play terminated in a draw.

Piece with Honour at the Avenue.—The successful and
pretty little play just produced at Mr. Geobge Alexander's
tneatre may be described as more " Shadow " than " Sunlight."

A Safe Coubse.—A German physioian, Dr. Koch, hopes to
benefit humanity by his new cure for Consumption. At present
he is reticent on the subjeot, and he won't speak till he is Kooh

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