Punch (99.1890)

November 15, 1890.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

239

VOCES POPULI.

AN EVENING "WITH A CONJUROR.
Scene—A Suburban Hall. The Performance has not yet begun.
The Audience is limited, and low-spirited, and may perhaps
numbei—including the Attendants—eighteen. The only people
in the front seats are, a man in full evening dress, which he
tries to conceal under a caped cloak, and two Ladies in plush
opera-cloaks. Fog is hanging about in the rafters, and the
gas-stars sing a melancholy dirge. Each casual cough arouses
dismal echoes. Enter an intending Spectator, who is conducted
to a seat in the middle of an empty row. After removing his
hat and coat, he suddenly thinks better—or worse—of it, puts
them on again, and vanishes hurriedly.

First Sardonic Attendant (at doorway). Reg'lar turnin' em away
to-night, we are!

Second Sardonic Attendant. He come up to me afore he goes to
the pay-box, and sez he—" Is there a seat left?" he sez. And I
sez to 'im, " Well, I think we can manage, to squeeze you in some-
where." Like that, I sez.

[The Orchestra, consisting of two thin-armed little girls, with
pigtails, enter, and perform a stumbling Overture upon a
cracked piano. Herr Von Kamberwohl, the Conjuror, ap-
pears on platform, amidst loud clapping from two obvious
Confederates in a back row.

Herr V. K. (in a mixed accent). Lyties and Shentilmans, pefoor
I co-menoe viz my hillusions zis hevenin', I 'ave most hemphadically
to repoodiate hall hassistance from hany spirrids or soopernatural
beins vatsohever. All I shall 'ave ze honour of showing you will be
perform by simple Sloight of 'and, or Ledger-dee-Mang! {He invites
any member of the Audience to step up and assist him, but the specta -
tors remain coy.) I see zat I 'ave not to-night bo larsh an orjence
to select from as usual, still I 'ope-(Here one of the obvious Con-
federates slouches up, and joins him on the platform.) Ah, zat is
goot! I am vair moch oblige to you, Sare. (The Confederate grins
sheepishly.) Led me see—I seem to remember your face some'ow.
(Broader grin from Confederate.) Hah, you vos 'ere last night?—
zat exblains it! But you 'ave nevaire assist me befoor, eh ? (Reck-
less shake of the head from Confederate.) I thought nod. Vair
veil. Vou 'ave nevaire done any dricks mit carts—no ? Bot you
vill dry ? You nevaire dell vat you gan do till you dry, as ze ole
sow said ven she learn ze halphabet. (He pauses for a laugh—
which doesn't come.) Now, Sare, you know a cart ven you see 'im ?
Ah, zat is somtings alretty! Now I vill ask you to choose any cart
or carts out of zis back. (The Confederate fumbles.) I don't vish
to 'urry you—but I vant you to mike 'aste- &c, &c.

The Man in Evening Dress. I remember giving Bimbo, the
Wizard of the West, a guinea once to teach me that trick—there
was nothing in it.

First Lady in Plush Cloak. And can you do it ?

The M. in E. D. (guardedly). Well, I don't know that I could
exactly do it now—but I know how it's done.

[He explains elaborately how it is done.

Herr Von K. (stamping, as a signal that the Orchestra may leave
off). Next I shall show you my zelebrated hillusion of ze inex-
haustible 'At, to gonclude viz ze Invisible 'En. And I shall be
moch oblige if any shentelmans vill kindly favour me viz 'is 'at
for ze burpose of my exberiment.

The M. in E. D. Here's mine—it's quite at your service. [To
his companions.] This is a stale old trick, he merely— (explains as
before.) But you wait and see how I '11 score off him over it!

Herr V. K. (to the M. in E. D). Tou are gvide sure, Sare, you
leaf nossing insoide of your 'at ?

The M. in E. D. (with a wink to his neighbours). On the contrary,
there are several little things there belonging to me, which I'll
thank you to give me back by-and-by.

Herr V. K. (diving into the hat). So ? Vat 'ave we 'ere ? A bonch
of flowairs! Anozzer bonch of flowairs ? Anozzer—and anozzer I
Ha, do you alvays garry flowairs insoide your 'at, Sare ?

The 31. in E. D. Invariably—to keep my head cool; so hand
them over, please ; I want them.

[His Companions titter, and declare " it really is too bad of him.'"

Herr V. K. Bresently, Sare,—zere is somtings ailse, it feels loike
—yes, it ees—a mahouse-drap. Tour haid is drouble vid moice,
Sare, yes ? Bot zere is none 'ere in ze 'at!

The 31. in E. JD. (with rather feeble indignation.) I never said
there were.

Herr V. K. No, zere is no mahouse—bot— [diving again]—ha!
a leedle vide rad! Anozzer vide rad! And again a vide rad—and
one, two, dree more vide rads ! Vou vind zey keep your haid noice
and cool, Sare ? May I drouble you to com and dake zem avay ? I
don't loike ze vide rads myself, it is madder of daste. [The Audience
snigger.] Oh, bot vait—zis is a most gonvenient 'at— [extracting a
large feeding-bottle and a complete set of baby-linen]—ze shentelman
is vairy domestic, I see. And zere is more yet, he is goot business

NOSTALGIA.

" Yotr seem our of sorts, James, ever since we've come
North. It's the change of Climate and Scenery, I s'pose ?"
"It's wuss nor that, Mariar. It's the change of Beer I"

man, he knows how von must hadvertise in zese 'ere toimes. 'E 'as
'elp me, so I vill 'elp 'im by distributing some of his cairculars for 'im.
[He showers cards, commending somebody's self-adjusting trousers
amongst the Audience, each person receiving about two
dozen —chiefly in the eye—until the air is dark, and the
floor thick with them.
The M. in E. D (much annoyed). Infernal liberty! Confounded
impudence! Shouldn't have had my hat if I'd known he was going
to play the fool with it like this!

First Lady in Plush Cloak. But I thought you knew what was
coming ?

The M. in E. D. So 1 did—but this fellow does it differently.
[Herr Von K. is preparing to fire a marked half-crown from a
blunderbuss into a crystal casket.
A Lady with Nerves (to her husband). John, I'm sure he Vgoing
to let that thing off !

John (a Brute). Well, I shouldn't be surprised if he is. /cin't
help it.

The L. with N. You could if you liked—you could tell him my
nerves won't stand it—the trick will be every bit as good if he only
pretends to fire, I'm sure.

John. Oh, nonsense!—you can stand it very well if you like.

The L. w. N. I can't, John. . . . There, he's raising it to his
shoulder. John, I must go out. I shall scream if I sit here, I
knoto I shall!

John. No, no—what's the use ? He '11 have fired long before you
get to the door. Much better stay where you are, and da your
screaming sitting down. (The Conjuror fires.) There, you see, you
didn't scream, after all!

The L. w. N. I screamed to myself—whioh is ever so much
worse for me ; but you never will understand me till it's too late!

[Herr Von E. performs another trick.

First Lady in Plush Cloak. That was very clever, wasn't it?
I can't imagine how it was done!

The 31. in E. D. (in whom the memory of his desecrated hat is still
rankling). Oh, can't you ? Simplest thing in the world—any child
could do it!

Second Lady. What, find the rabbit inside those boxes, when
they were all corded up, and sealed!

The 31. in E. D. You don't mean to say you were taken in by
that f Why, it was another rabbit, of oourse!