Punch (99.1890)

240 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [November 15, 1890.

"A HIT! A PALPABLE HIT!"

: Oh, I beg your pardon I I did not see you", SlR I "

See me I Confound it, Sir, you can see through me now !'

First Lady. But even if it was another rabbit, it was wearing the
borrowed watch round its neck.

The 31. in E. D. Easy enough to slip the watch in, if all the
boxes have false bottoms.

a. Second L. Yes, but he passed the boxes round for us to examine.

The M. in E. D. Boxes—but not those boxes.

First L. But how could he slip the watch in when somebody was
holding it all the time in a paper bag ?

The 31. in E. D. Ah, I saw how it was done—but it would take
too long to explain it now. I have seen it so well performed that
you couldn't spot it. But this chap's a regular duffer !

Herr V. K. (who finds this sort of thing rather disturbing). Lyties
and Shentilmans, I see zere is von among us who is a brofessional
like myself, and knows how all my leedle dricks is done. Now—
suddenly abandoning his accent—-I am always griteful for hanythink
that will distraek the attention of the orjence from what is going cm
upon the Stige; naterally so, because it prevents you from follerin'
my actions too closely, and so I now call upon this gentleman in
the hevenin' dress jest to speak hup a very little louder than what
he 'as been doin', so that you will be enabled to 'ear hevery word of
his hexplanation more puffiekly than what some of you in the back
benches have done 'itherto. Now, Sir, if you '11 kindly repeat your
very hinterestin' remarks in a more haudible tone, I can go on
between like. [Murmurs of " iVb, no ! " " Shut up ! " " We don't
want to hear him!" from various places; The Man in Evening
Dress subsides into a crimson taciturnity, which continues during
the remainder of the performance.

Mr. Punch's Dictionary of Phrases.
Journalistic.

"Inspector - gives you the impression of a particularly able

and open-minded Police-officer;" i.e., "An easy prey to the
interviewing correspondent."

"It could not, of course, be expected that a particularly shrewd
and able young S-licitor would be very communicative about his
client's case;" i.e., "Knew precious little himself, and didn't^even
offer me a drink."

Quite the Koch of the Walk.—The great Berlin Bacteriologist.

ROBERT AT BURN'EM BEACHES.

They is still so jolly busy at the "Grand" that I
had sum differculty in getting leaf of habsense for
Satterday, larst week, for to go with a werry seleck
Copperashun Party on a most himportent hexeurshun to
Burn'em Beaches about cuttin all the trees down, so
that then it woodn't be not Burn'em Beaches not .no
longer! Howewer, by promisin for to stick to the
"Grand" all thro' the cumming Winter, the too
Gentelmanly Managers let me go.

The fust thing as summat staggered me, in a long day
of staggerers, was the f ack, that all the hole Party had
a grand Royal Saloon all to theirselves for to take them
to Slough, but my estonishment ceased when I saw
that they was Chairmaned by the same " King of good
fellers" as took 'em all to Ship Lake on a prewious
ocasion. They didn't have not no refreshments all the
way to Slough, so they was naterally all pretty well
harf starved by the time they got there, but there they
found a lovly Shampane Lunshon a waiting for to
refresh xhawsted Natur, and at it they went like One
o'Clock altho it wasn't only aTf parst Elewen. Now for
the second staggerer! One of the party, a rayther
antient Deputty, insted of jining_ the rest of the Party,
declared his intenshun to take his Lunch off the Sun-
shine which was shining most brillient outside the room,
and acordingly off he set a warking up and down in it
for three quorters of a hour, without not no wittels nor
no drink! till "the King of all good fellers" coodn't
stand it not no longer, and sent me out to him with
sum sangwidges and a bottel of Sham. He woodn't
not touch no sangwidges, and ony took one glass of
wine, and told me to put by the bottel for his dinner,
which I did in course; but somehows, when he arsked
for it arterwards, the cork had got out, and the wine
had got out, but I thinks I can wenture to say as that
not one drop of it was wasted, and werry good it was too.

We then set out on our luvly drive, me on the box-
seat of one of the Carridges, and the other pore fellers
cramped up hinside. Sumhows or other, weather it was
hoeing to the nobel Lunch or not, I don't kno, we lost
our way, and found ourselves at larst, not where we all
wanted to be, but at a most bewtifool House of call,
— ; where they has the werry sensebel custom that, when
they thinks as wisiters has had enuff drink, they won't let 'em
have not a Drop More, and that is aeshally the name by which the
ouse is known, both far and wide! Whether it's a good plan
for the howse, in course I don't kno, but Mr. Fourbes, the souper-
intendent of the Beeches, says as nothink woodn't injuice 'em to
alter the name. Whether that singler custom had anythink to do
with it I don't kno, but our party didn't stay there long, and we
soon found ourselves at bewtifool Burn'em Beaches.

In course I didn't intrewde myself when they was a settling of the
himportant bizziness as they was cum about, so I strolled off to a
little willage as I seed in the distance, and which is aeshally called
Egipt, tho it ain't much bis-ger than Whetstone Park, Hobern, the
ome of my herly birth! From a rayther hurryed conwersashun
with a real Native, I gathered the himportant faek that the one
reason why all the great big Beach Trees of the Forest had had their
tops cut off, was, that Oliwer Cromweel wanted the bows for his
sojers to carry, so as to make 'em look more than they was when he
marched at their Hed to the Seege of Winsor Carsel! What curius
and hinteresting hinformashun we can get from the werry humblest
of our Feller Creturs when we goes the rite way to git it!

I got back to the Party jest as they had cum to the werry senser-
bil reserlushun that Nowember was not at all the best munth to see
whether Trees was really dead, or was ony shamming, so they deter-
mined, like true patriots as they is, to adjourn the matter till the
1st of next April, by which time they woud be able to decide.

On our way back to Slough they all got out to see Stoke Pogies
Church, where some great Poet was buried long long ago, who had
wrote a most lovely Poem there, all about what could be seen from
the Churchyard of an evening, and one of the party said, that the
sperrit of the bewtifool seen and of the luvly Poem was so strong upon
him, that, if they woud stand round the Toom, he woud try' to
recite some of its sweetest lines, and he did so, and I heard one on
'em say, as we was a driving back, that more than one among them
had his eyes filled with plessant tears as he lissened. Ah, it isn't for
a pore Waiter like me to write on these matters, but I hopes as I
don't offend not anybody when I says, that praps if jest a leetle
more pains was taken for to make us pore fellers understand, and
feel, and share in the rapshur as such poems seems to inspire in our
betters, it might help to smooth, if not to shorten, the long dreary
road as lies between the Hignorant and the Heddicated. Robert.

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