Punch (99.1890)

November 29, 1890.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 257

HOW IT'S DONE.

[A Handbook to Honesty.)
No. VI.—"An Alaemlng Sacrifice"—Somewhebe!
Scene I.—A Suburban Drawing-room, old-fashionedly furnished;
brightly-bound books scattered about a solid, sombre-covered
table ; oil portraits of elderly, stiffly attitudinising couple on the
walls; a general atmosphere of simple, pietistic propriety.
Present, Edwin and Angelina, a modest, but deeply-enamoured
pair, shortly about to be married.

Edwin {after the regulation ceremonial). My dearest Angelina, I
have something here which I think will greatly simplify the business
of house - furnish- „^
ing, that has so
deeply occupied us
lately.

Angelina (flush-
ing tenderly). Oh,
Edwin, have you i
How nice,
dear! And
what is it ?

Edwin
(eagerly).
Quite provi-
dential, I call
it. Ton know,
dearest, I've
saved three
hundred
pounds for
the express

purpose; and here is an advertisement, according to which, for about
that Bum, we can secure a complete fit-out for our little villa, which,
I think, will exactly suit us. Quite an exceptional chance, as the
advertiser says. A gentleman, lately arrived in this countryfrom India,
is unexpectedly compelled to return immediately. Consequently he is
obliged to dispose at once of his lately-purchased house of furniture,
at a great sacrifice. It is as good as new, in fact, has hardly been
used at all; is elegant and substantial, and can be seen any day
at Vamp Villa, Barnsbury, upon presentation of visiting-card.
Suppose, dearest Angt, we run over to-morrow afternoon, and have
a look at it ? Such a chance—in the very nick of time, too—may
never occur again!

Angelina. Oh, Edwin, how fortunate! Should it suit us, what a
lot of trouble it will save!

Edwin. And money, too, darling, for the prices seem to be very
low. I'm so glad you agree, dear.

Angelina (with effusion). Of course I do, Edwin. And (with
tender glance at one of the oil pictures) how delighted dear Mamma
will be! [Osculation, appointment, and exit.

Scene II.—Mysterious-looking Villa at Barnsbury, permeated by
strong smell of French-polish and fusty straiv. Large " House
to Let" boards and posters prominently disposed. Present.
Edwin and Angelina, and a blandly loquacious person, in
black broadcloth, with a big foolscap-paper Inventory, and a
blunt-pointed pencil.

Loquacious Person (fluently). Why you see, Madam, Mr. Pawnee
Livekless 'ad to leave for Bombay early yesterday mornin', and
was therefore obliged to leave the sale of his furniture in our hands.
But he is an old client of ours, Mr. Livebless is, and he has given
us carte blanche as regards the disposition of his effects. Only they
must be sold at once. A retired Colonel at Notting Hill, who seemed
very sweet on the bargain, promised me a decided answer by
twelve o'clock to-day. It has not come, and I am free to negotiate
with the next comer for the furniture as it stands, provided an im-
mediate settlement can be arrived at. Wait I cannot, but in any
other pertikler I shall be only too 'appy to meet your views.

Edwin. I see the furniture is quite new ?

L. P. (with cheery candour). Well, no Sir, not quite. Oh, I'll
not deceive you! It has been in use a few months,'and, as you see,
is none the worse for that. Better, if anything, being fully tested as
to seasoning. I need 'ardly tell you, Sir, that new furniture nowadays
is a ticklish thing to invest in. Such tricks, my dear Sir, such
nefarious dodges and artful fakements I (Sighs.) But—(taking up
a chair and banging it vigorously but adroitly on the floor)—this is
stuff you can depend on, and '11 be better three years hence than it
is to-day. This saddle-bag sweet, Madam, is simply luxurious,
good enough for any doocal dinin'-room; the carpets throughout
are as elegantly hesthetiek in design, as they are substantial fin
fabric, whilst the—ahem! sleeping apartments, are perfect pickters
of combined solidity and .chaste elegance. I always say, that as
a real gentleman is known by his linen, so the 'ome of a party of
true taste may be tested by the bed-rooms. You '11 excuse me,

Madam—(smirks)—but such are my sentiments, not as a salesman,
but as a family man.

gtt. [L. P. takes Edwin and Angelina the round of the house,
expatiating glowingly but discreetly as he goes, and ulti-
mately effects sale of the "furniture as it stands "for a
liberally proffered "ten-pun note off the advertised sum
tottle."

Scene III.—Interior of Greengage Villa. Angelina (now Mrs.
Canoodle) discovered in tears over the wreck of a " Saddlebag"
Sofa, very shaky as to legs, and shabby as to "pile."
Angelina (sobbing). And to think that dear Edwin should have
spent his long savings on such wretched stuff as this ! Oh, that
talkative but treacherous tout at Vamp Villa! Why, 'tis only six
months since we were married—(bohoo .')—and there's scarcely a
thing in the house that's not either shaky, or shabby, or both!

[Breaks down.

Edwin (entering with a flushed face, and clenched fists). Angt,
my darling, don't waste your tears over that vile combination of
unseasoned timber and devil's-dust. Bather pluck up a spirit and
pitch into me, who was fool enough to be tricked by a plausible
advertisement, a scheming vendor of shoddy furniture, a hired
villa, a verbose villain, and the thrice-told tale of a mythical
"Indian gentleman," an imaginary "emergency," and a purely
supposititious " sacrifice." [Left lamenting.

" A DANIEL !"

_ Teaes ago, when Beiton Rivieee painted his picture of " Daniel
in the Lions' Den," which foppishly-speaking men would speak of
as " Deniel in the Lions' Dan," publio curiosity was aroused by the
fact that Daniel was facing the lions with his back to the spectators.
Of course, in this
instance, the
public mind is not
exercised by the
problem which
was put to the
Showman by an
inquiring small
boy, in the mem-
orable formula of
inquiry," Please,
Sir, which is
Daniel, and
which is the
Lions?" asnever,
for one moment,
could there have
existed, in the
densest brain,
the smallest
doubt as to the
identity of the
Hebrew Seer.
Should the ques-
tion now be put G.O.M. Daniel in the Irish Lions' Den.

by an intending purchaser, Mr. William Agnew has only to give
an adaptation of the historic reply, and say, " Whichever you like,
my little dear ; if you pay your money, you may take your choice."

Now in this grand picture there is no sort of doubt, "no possible
doubt whatever," as to which is Daniel and which are the Lions;
but there must arise in the spectator's mind the question, Who was
the painter's model for this figure of Daniel ? To this there can
be but one answer, " the G.O.M." This is the painter's model for
Daniel. Here he stands looking up towards the opening and seeing
daylight. His hands are tied by the bonds of a majority against
him. As for the Lions they may be Irish Lions, who may be thinking
of another grand old Dan, The Liberator, but who, once upon a time,
in the good old Kilmainham Gaol days, would have fallen upon this
G.O.M. and torn him in pieces; not so now. It is a grand picture.

" Who's youb Hattee ? " oe, Side-Lights on Ecclesiastical
Histoet.—Years ago, the great Ritual Case was that of Mr. Bennett,
of St. Barnabas, Pimlico. Now the most recent is the Archbishop's
decision in the Lincoln Case. The two may be quoted henceforth as
" ' The Lincoln and Bennett Cases,' which cover a variety of heads."

"Hebe we go Up, Up, Up!"—Mr. Punch with Time visits the
Heavenly Bodies. Special Stars engaged for Christmas Entertain-
ment. Look out for Mr. Punch's Christmas Number, entitled Punch
Among the Planets. For once Toby will be Sirius.

Shobtlt to Appeae.—Companion Volume to Oceana. New
Work, by C. S. P-en-ll, entitled, O'Sheana.