Punch (99.1890)

December 6, 1890.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 275

A DEESS DEAMA.
(By a Perplexed Playwright.)

I 've got myself into a horrible mess,
Of that there can be no manner of doubt,

And my forehead is aching, because I've been making
A desperate effort to get myself out,

And I'm given away, so it seemeth to me,

Like a threepenny vase with a pound of tea.

I promised an actress to write her a play,

With herself, of course, in the leading part,
With abundance of bathos paraded as pathos,

And a gallery death of a broken heart-
It 's a capital plan, I find, to try
To arrange a part where the audience cry.

So I quickly think of a beautiful plot,

The interest ne'er for an instant flags ;
The sorrowful ending is almost heart-rendinr,

As the heroine comes on in tatters and rags.
It is better than aught I have thought of before,
And will certainly run for a twelvemonth or more.

Yet, alas! for my prospect of glory and gain,
She has strangled my play at its moment of birth,

For now she has written to say she is smitten
With the newest designs and creations of Worth,

And to quote her own words—" As a matter of fact,

I've a couple of costumes for every act."

Then there follows a list of the things she has bought,
Though I'm puzzled indeed as to what it may mean.

She is painfully pat in her jargon of satin, _
Alpaca, nun's veiling, tulle, silk, grenadine,

And she asks me to say if I honestly think

She should die in pearl-grey, golden-brown, or shrimp-
pink P

So here I am left in this pitiful plight.

With nothing but dresses, what am I to do ?
For I haven't a notion what kind of emotion

Is suited to coral or proper for blue ;
And if, when she faints, but they think she is dead,
Old-gold or sea-green would be better than red.

Will crushed strawberry do for an afternoon call ?

For the evening would salmon or olive be right ?
May a charming young fellow embrace her in yellow ?

Must she sorrow in black ? Must I wed her in white ?
Till, dazed and bewildered, my eyesight grows dim,
And my head, throbbing wildly, commences to swim.

'Twere folly and madness to try any more,
I know what I '11 do—in a letter to-day

I will just tell her plainly how utterly vainly
I've striven and struggled to finish her play ;

And then—happy thought!—I will mildly suggest

That she '11 find for her purpose Buchanan thejbest.

I shall now write a play without dresses at all,
A plan, which I'm sure will be perfectly new.

Yet opposed to convention, why merely the mention
Of a thing so immodest will startle a few;

And, although it's a pity, I shrewdly suspect

The Lord Chamberlain might deem it right to object.

Better still! from the French I will boldly convey
What will be (in two senses) the talk of the town.

You insist on a moral ? Well, pray do not quarrel
With the one that I now for your guidance lay down,

That of excellent maxims this isn't the worst—

Let the play, not the dresses, be settled the first !

Something in a Name.—What a happily appropriate
name for the Chief Magistrate of so fashionable a water-
ing-place as Brighton is Mr. Sopee ! Whether he is soft
Sopee, or Hard Sopeh, or Scented Sopee, it matters not;
it is only a pity that after his year of office, if the
Brightonian Bathers can spare him, he should not be
transferred to Windsor. Old Windsor Sopee—what a
splendid title for the Mayor of the Royal town! No doubt
he will show himself active and energetio during his
Mayoralty, and that at Brighton henceforth a totally
opposite meaning from the ordinary one will be given
to the description of a speech as " a SoPEB-ific"., At
east, it is 'oped so, for the sake of Sopee.

EXPERIENTIA DOCET.

"And abb you going to give me something foe mt Biethday, Aunty
Maud?" "Of coukse, Darling."

"Then don't let it be something useful!"

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTBACTED FEOM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

House of Com7nons, Tuesday Night, November 25.—New Session opened to-
day. Remarkable (fathering of Members in the Lords to hear Queen s Speech
read. Unusual excitement, though heroically restrained in presence of Loed
Chancelioe, supported on Woolsack by four figures in red cloaks and cooked
hats, borrowed for occasion from Madame Tussaud's. Halsbuey lost his temper
once when Commission being read. Tussaud's man, sent down to work the
figures—make them take off their cocked hats and nod upon cue being given
by Reading Clerk—was on duty for first time; much interested in arrival of
Commons at the Bar; instead of lying low behind Woolsack and minding his
business, kept poking his head round to peer forth on scene. At last, Loed
Chancelioe in hoarse whisper threatened to send him to Clock Tower if he
didn't behave properly.

After this all went well; figures bringing their right elbow up with a jerk,
took off their hats at precisely right moment, and replaced them without a hitch.
They were labelled " Lord Lathom," "Earl of Coventey,"^ " Lord Beownlow,"
and "Lord Knutsfobd." Loed Chancelioe sat in the middle. The ladies on
floor of House watched them with much interest.

" Such dear old things," said one, when the figure labelled " Earl of Coventby"
cleverly pretended to sneeze. "I wish they'd do it all over again; but I
suppose the springs have run down."

In the Commons, everyone on the look out for Pabneix. What would he do ?
Where would he sit ? What would he say ? Or, would he come at all P
Nobody knew. Some suspected last guess most probable. Towards Three
o'Clock whisper went round that he was here. Sabk had seen him crossing
Lobby, with green spectacles and umbrella, and his hair died crimson. Was
now in room with Irish Party, arranging about Leadership. Understood before
House met that he was to retire from Leadership till fumes from Divorce Court
had passed away. Then alliance between Home Rulers and Liberals would go
on as before, and. all would, be well. Ministerialists downcast at this prospect;
Liberals chirpy; a great difficulty avoided. Soon be in smooth water again.

Waiting in House for business to commence. Speakee away for cause that
saddens everyone ; Courtney to take the Chair at Four o'clock ; meeting of Irish
Members still going forward. When business concluded, Paenell would quietly
walk out; they would take their plaoes, and things would go on as if no one had