Punch: Punch (101.1891)

_

12 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [July 4, 189L

Old Morality happily out of the way of hearing all this. Gone MT^ NOATFT?

off, and wisely left no address. People walking along Downing Mlob INUMJift.

Street, find written over the door at the Treasury, "Back in Ten s . ^ , N.,, ^j, Now why was

Minutes." That's all; neither date nor hour specified. Ten minutes ^-Z^V*^ > M / The Dancing

roll on, and Old Morality comes not. But he sometimes com- "Z^\S^v\ '^Yc\>n ( Ys Girl ever called

municates with his most intimate friends. Have this morning a ^^i1 \jl vOcb The Dancing

note from him. m^^L vSr"^ Girl at all ? As

" 1 send these few lines," he writes, " hoping they will find you well ~y '^^*\W ^r^^ a matter of fact

as they leave me at present. Talking about lines, mine have fallen in "^^vl sae never did

pleasanter places than yours, or Jokiji's chance to be just now. Some to i,, - W fj^ ^. dance, and from

people are inclined to deny me the faculty of humour. But I think
the merry-go-roundcr of leaving Jokiii in charge of the Free Educa-
tion Bill is pretty well for a beginner. Everything must have a com-
mencement. Now I've started I may in time become a regular
Joseph Miller. Excuse my not mentioning my present address,
and be sure that wherever I am, I am animated solely by desire to
do my duty to Queen and Country, and to meet the convenience of
Hon. Gentlemen in whatever part of the House they may sit. If
you want to write to me, address ' Mr. Smtth, England.' I have
reason to believe that so perfect is the machinery of the Post Office
under the direction of my Plight Hon. friend, that the missive thus
directed will not fail to reach its destination."
Business done.—On Second Reading of Education Bill.

Thursday.—An old acquaintance looked in at Lobby to-night.
When he was here, we used to call him Loire Lawrexce. Now he

is one of Her Majesty's Judges, and
we must behave to him as such.

"How're you getting on here,
Toby ? " he said, just as friendly as if
he were still at the Bar.

' 'As your Ludship pleases," I replied,
too old a Parliamentary Hand to be
inveigled into familiarity by his unas-
suming manner.

Fact is, as, on his further entreaty,
I proceeded to explain to the learned
Judge, we are getting on very well
indeed. Truce been called in party
conflict, and is strictly observed. Mr. G.
is absent on sick leave—not keeping
out of the way of Education Bill, as
some will have it. Old Morality
back to-night; came down in a penny
'bus, in final effort to elude discovery
of his place of recent retreat. Par-
xell also absent; news comes to-
night that his business is matrimonial;
graphic accounts current of his expe-
dition "in a one-horse vehicle " from
Brighton to Steyning.

"If," says his Ludship, fresh from
a Criminal Court, '' he had been com-
mitting a burglary, and was getting
off with the loot in the one-horse
Lon«- Lawrence. O'Shay, he could not have taken fuller

° precautions to evade pursuit."

At first some doubt as to truth of story. Been rumoured often
before. Then comes, in special edition of evening paper, the detail:
" The _ ceremony being concluded, Mr. and Mrs. Parxell drove
away in the direction of Bramber, Mrs. Parxell taking the whip
and reins."

" Ah ! " said Dice Power, " that's Kitty, and no mistake. She
always takes the whip and reins. Bet you three to one the
trick's done."

Squire of Malwood faithful at his post, but he, too, observant of
the Truce. Everyone tired to death of dullest Session ever lived
through, and chiefly anxious to bring it to an end.

Business done.—In Committee of Supply.

Friday.—In Lords to-night, Irish Land Purchase Bill read
Second lime, after series of essays delivered by half dozen Peers.
Point of honour_ not to take less than one hour in delivery. Derby
brought down his contribution nicely written out on quarter sheets.
Whilst Asiibourxe declaiming, Derby seized opportunity to read
his speech over to himself. This all very well if he had strictly
carried out intention, but, when he grew so interested in it as to
mumble passages in an audible voice, situation grew embarrassing.
At last KniBERLEY, who sat near, gently nudged him. " One at a
time, my dear Derby," he whispered. "We know you're ac-
customed to dual action. Darby and Joax, you know ; but won't
do here."

Derby blushed, and thrust manuscript in pocket till his turn
came, when he had the pleasure of reading it aloud.

Business done.—Irish Land Bill through Lords; Public Health
Bill in Commons.

last week's ad-
vertisements we
find that she has
been '' running''
ever since her
first appearance.
Now she's off for
another run in
the provinces,
and then back
again. Quite a
theatrical illus-
tration of the
sporting term
'1 running in and

Tree in Earn let. out.'' And when

Mr. Beerbohm

Tree is in the provinces he is to appear as the Prince of Denmark.

THE PURCHASE-OFFICERS' GUIDE TO THE ARMY.

{Arranged in Question and Answer Form.)

Question. I may take it that the backbone of the British Army
(especially in the time of peace) are those commissioned warriors
who obtained admission to the Service by paying for their footing ?

Answer. Indeed you may.

Q. And, at the time when these warriors were admitted, I fancy
the scientific branches of the Force (the "Gunners" and the
" Sappers ") were rather looked down upon than otherwise ?

A. Certainly, for you see they obtained their Commissions by
brains, and not through mone5~-bags.

Q. And now you have to complain that the Generals' Establish-
ment has been reduced from 275 to 68 ?

A. A scandal and a shame! For this means that only a certain
number of us can hope to wear sashes round the waist, instead of
hanging down from the left shoulder.

Q. Does not promotion by selection, instead of seniority, cause
you also considerable loss ?

A. Unquestionably. The Purchase Officer had a right to suppose
that once gazetted he would go up to the top of the tree, always
supposing he was able to pay his way like an officer and a gentle-
man.

Q. Is it not also sad that Officers who accept half-pay should be
called upon to serve in the Auxiliary Forces ?

A. Not only sad, but confoundedly undignified.

Q. And do you not object to your condition generally ?

A. Yes, certainly. And let me tell you the subject is the burning
one of the hour !

Q. And what do you think of other matters affecting the welfare
of the Army ?

A. That they are merely details that can safely wait indefinitely
the consideration of the Authorities!

THE "WHETHER" AND THE PARKS.

To ask The Raxger and the Right Honourable Mr. Pluxket, or
PlunkeMo," as the name appears in the opera of Marta—

Whether there cannot be some improvement made in that

Despondent Slough known as Rotten
Row ?

Whether Kensington Gardens, now
sacred to nursery-maids and their
charges, and a few loungers, couldn't
be opened up with one or two good
rides right across, and a few inter-
' \ff Elf P v> sowing bridle-paths, after the fashion
// £ 1 of the Bois de Boulogne, and thus
relieve the monotony of the Row,
which is getting more and more
Rotten after every shower, and more
and more crowded every summer ?

Whether, as every equestrian is rightly complaining, something
cannot be done in time for the season of 1892 ?

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