Punch (101.1891)

November 7, 1891.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

217

ONLY FANCY!

"We learn by tele-
graph from Berlin that
some uneasiness exists
in that capital owing
to demonstrations
made hy the photo-
graphists and artists
in plaster-of-Paris,
who have been accus-
tomed to reproduce
likenesses and busts of
His Imperial Majesty
They complain that,
owing to a measure of
uncertainty about the
Emperor's personal
appearance from day
to day, they have large
stocks thrown on their
hands, and are reduced
to a condition ap-
proaching bank-
ruptcy. The crisis has
been precipitated by
the circumstance that,
just when the com-
bined trades, recover-
ing from their first
disaster, had produced a Christmas stock of portraits and busts,
showing His Majesty with a beard, he shaved it off, and once more
they have their goods returned on their hands. Prussian 3h per Cents,
have fallen to 83-85.

V/

"When Sir Augustus Druriolastus read in the Times that Signer
Lago had been granted the Queen's permission to prefix "Royal"
to his opera entertainment at the Shaftesbury Theatre, it gave him so
great a shock that, but for the opportune (" opera-tune," Sir Augustus
jocosely put it) arrival of Dr. B.obso>t Eoustem Pasha, the shock
might have had a serious effect.

On Monday last, at half-past three, the King of Sr-Aix cut a new
tooth, His Majesty's seventh acquisition in this class of property.
The happy event was celebrated by a salute of seventeen guns.

" What's that ? " asked His Majesty, awakened by the roar from
his siesta.

"Sire," said the Field-Marshal commanding the troops, brin?ing
his trusty Toledo to the salute, " your Majesty has condescended to
cut a tooth."

" That's all very well to begin with," said the King ; " but, when
I grow a little older, I mean to cut a dash."

Previous to the appointment of Mr. Arthur Balfour, much
speculation was indulged in as to the succession to the Leadership
of the House of Commons. In Conservative circles there was an
almost universal desire to see the place filled by a noble Baron well-
known for the assiduity with which he arrives in town to transact
business in Bouverie Street, returning to his country seat the same
evening.

During the interval after it had been made known that the
Leadership of the House of Commons had been offered to Mr. Balfour,
and whilst his decision was anxiously awaited, Sir William Har-
court was asked whether he thought the Chief Secretary would take
the place.

" Who can say, Toby 7>u'o?" answered the Squire, stroking his
chin, with a far-away glance. "The situation reminds me of an
incident that came under my notice when I represented Oxford
borough. One of my constituents, a worthy pastor, had had a call
to another and much wealthier church. He asked for time to con-
sider the proposal. One afternoon, a fortnight later, I met his son
in High Street, and inquired whether his father had decided to take
the new jilace. 'Well,' said the youngster, 'Pais still praying for
light, but most of the things are packed.' "

We understand that an innovation will be introduced at Guildhall
on the occasion of the Lord Mayor's dinner. The Lord Mayor elect
being a Welshman, intends to substitute the leek for the loving cup.
At the stage of the festival where the loving cup usuaUy goes round,
a dish of leeks will be passed along, and every guest will be expected
publicly to eat one. This will necessitate an alteration in the time-
honoured formula of the Toastmaster. On the 9th of November it
will run: " Mv Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, the Right Hon. the
Lord Mayor pledges you with a loving leek, and bids you hall a
'arty welcome."

vol. c\

OUE OWN FINANCIAL COLUMN.

{By Croesus.)

[Mr. Punch has decided that it is absolutely necessary for him to publish
every week a financial article. The best treatises on Political Economy lay
it down as an axiom that, where the desire for acquisition is universal," and
the standard of value absolute, a balance between gain and loss can only be
reached by the mathematical adjustment of meum and tuum. Acting upon
this principle, Mr. Punch has, in the interests of everybody, retained the
services of one of the most, if not the most, eminent contemporary financiers,
whom modesty alone prevents from signing his own name to his benevolent
and comprehensive articles. Those, however, who care to look beneath
the surface, will have no difficulty in determining the identity of one of the
greatest modern monetary authorities, a man whose nod has before this
shattered prosperous empires, and whose word is even better than his bond,
could such a thing be possible. Mr. Punch has only one thing to say to those
who desire to be rich. It is this. Follow implicitly the advice of Crcesus.]

Sir,—You have asked me to devote some of my spare time to the
enlightenment of your readers on matters connected with the money-
markets of the world. The request is an easy one to make. You
talk of spare time, as if the man who controlled millions of money,
and could at any moment put all the Directors of the Bank of England
in his waistcoat pocket, had absolutely nothing to do except to devote
himself to the affairs of other people. Such a man has no leisure.
When he is not engaged in launching loans, or in admitting to an
audience the Prime Ministers of peoples rightly struggling to free
themselves from debt by adding largely to their public liabilities,
when, I say, he is not thusly or otherwisely engaged, his mind must
still busy itself with the details of all the immense concerns over
which he, more or less, presides. However, 1 am willing to make an
exception in your case, and to impart to you the ripe fruits of an
experience which has no parallel in any country of the habitable
globe. Without, therefore, cutting any more time to waste, I begin.

(1.) Mines.—There can be no doubt that in this department a
largely increased activity may soon be expected. I am aware that
in "Shafts" there has been a downward tendencv; but I am
assured bv the Secretary of the "Dodja Plant Co." (19i, 6/8,
54'2i, 7/8), that the prospects of this branch of investment were
never more brilliant. The latest report of the Mining Expert sent
out to investigate this mine, runs as follows :—

"I have now been three days in the interior of the Dodja Plant.
I can confidently state that I found no water, though there was
evidence of large deposits of salt, which could be worked at an
immense profit. The gold is abundant. I have crushed ten tons of
quartz with my own hands, and found the yield in florins extraordi-
nary. The natives guard the mouth of the mine. Please relieve
promptly. My assistant became a Salmi yesterday,"

There is some obscurity (intentional, of course) in the last few
words. I may, therefore, state that a Salmi is one of the most
important native bankers. The profession is only open to million-
naires. I therefore say, emphatically, buy Dodjas.

(2.) The Carbon Diamond Fields.—The latest quotations are 14|
to the dozen, with irregular falls. Carbon Prefs.
unaltered. Trusts firm. This is a good invest-
ment for a poor man. In fact there could not
be a better. No necessity to deal through an
ordinary stockbroker. Wire " Crcesus, City."
That will find me, and by return you shall have
address of banker, to whom first deposit for
cover must be immediately paid.

(3.) Italian Cattivas quieter. A Correspondent
asks—" What do you recommend a man who has
laid by £20 to do in order to hold £1,000 at the
end of a month?" I sav at once. Try Cattivas
(19| Def. ; Deb. Stk. 14—15). Wire " Crcesus,
City."

(4.) South-African Pih Kroost short. Gold continues to be in
good demand. Anybody wishing to make a quick ^profit out of a
small sum, such as from two to five sovereigns, wire " Ckcesus, City"
any time before 12-30. In all cases of telegraphing, the message
must be " Pteply-Paid," or no notice will be taken of the communi-
cation. Ptemeniber " Time is Money." Keep up a good supply of
both, and vou '11 live to bless " Crcesus."

Advice Gratis.—Make (Brighton) "A," while the sun shmes. _
Inquiries as to The Para Docks Company, and The Jerrie
Jlycr JBilder Company, I will answer squarely and fairly next
week. Don't move in these without the straight and chrect advice
of " Crcesus."

As to the Turpin, Sheppard, and Abcrshaw Hujhicays Company,
I shall have something to say next week. Investors who want a
real good thing, just hold your coin in hand for a week, till I say
" Go," and then go it. This Company will be a big thing, and,
mind you, safe. . .

For the present I close the account, to re-open it next week, ami,
to show my good faith, send you my subscription, which you may
read here, as I subscribe myself, '' Ckcesus, City.