Punch (101.1891)

August 15, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 73

A TERRIBLE TALE.

Alas ! it had of course to be!
For weeks I had not left my
room, [me
When one fell day there came on
An awful doom.

A burly rough, who drank and
swore, [shout—

Without a word—1 could not
Attacked me brutally, and tore
My nails right out.

Then, dragging me out to the air—
No well-conducted conscience
pricked him—•
He mercilessly beat me there,
His helpless victim.

With cruel zest he beat me well,

He beat me till in parts I grew—
I shudder as the tale I tell—■
All black and blue.

what on earth he was about,
uld not guess, do what I
would : [out
hen at length he cleaned me
I understood.

Yet do not shed a tear,
because
You've heard my story
told in metre, [was
For I'm a Carpet, and he
A Carpet-Beater.

LEAYES EROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.

Thursday, June 12.—Letters from Billsbury arrive by every post, Horticul-
tural Societies, sea-side excursions, Sunday School pic-nics, cricket club fetes,
all demand subscriptions, and, as a rule, get them, if this goes on much longer
I shall be wound up in the Bankruptcy Court. Shall have to make a stand
soon, but how to begin is the difficulty. Pretty certain in any case to put my
foot down in the wrong place, and offend everybody. Amongst other letters
ame is one . ^ Stone Street, Billsbury, June 10.

Sot,—I venture to appeal to your generosity in a matter which I am sure
you will recognise to be of the highest^ importance. My services to the Conser-
vative Party m Billsbury are
well-known. I can safely
say that no man has, during
the last ten years, worked
harder than I have to pro-
mote Conservative interests,
and for a smaller reward.
My exertions at the last
election brought on a violent
attack of malarial fever,
which laid me up for some
months, and from which I
still suffer. The shaky cha-
racter of my hand-writing
attests the sufferings I have
gone through, and the shat-
tered condition of my bodily
health at the present moment.
I lost my situation as head-
clerk in the Export Depart-
ment _ of the Ironmongers'
Association, and found my-
self, at the age of forty,
compelled to begin life
again with a wife and three
children. Everything I have
turned my hanctto has failed,
and I am in dire want. May
I ask you, under these cir-
cumstances, to be so good as 1 °1VC au)'secunt) 7m llkc-
to advance me £500 for a few months. I will give any security you like.
Perhaps I might repay some part of the loan by doing work for you during
the election. This must be a small matter to a wealthy and generous man like
you. To me it is a matter of life and death. Anxiously awaiting your early
and favourable reply, and begging you to keep this application a secret,

I remain, Sir, Yours, faithfully, Henry Pidgin.

(< That sounded heart-breaking, but I happened to know that Mr. Pidgin's
malarial fever" was nothing but delirium tremens, brought on by a prolonged
course of drunkenness. Hence his shaky handwriting, &c. Blissop had warned

me against him. Wrote back that, in view of the Cor-
rupt Practices Act, it was impossible for me to relieve
individual cases.

Called on the Penfolds this afternoon. They are up
from Billsbury for their stay in London, and have got
a house in Eaton Square. To my surprise found Mrs.
Bellamy and Mary there. That was awkward, especially
as Mary looked at me, as I thought, very meaningly,
and asked me if I didn't think Sophy Penfold sweetly
pretty. I muttered something about preferring a darker
type of beauty (Mary's hair is as black as my hat), to
which Mary replied that perhaps, after all, that kind of
pink and white beauty with hair like tow was rather
insipid. The Bellamys it seems met the Penfolds at
a dinner last week, and the girls struck up a friendship,
this call being the result. Young Penfold, whom I had
never seen before, was there and was infernally attentive
to Mary. He's in the 24th Lancers, and looks like a
barber's block. Mrs. Bellamy said to me, "I've been
hearing so much about you from dear Lady Penfold.
They all have the highest opinion of you. In fact, Lady
Penfold said she felt quite like a mother to you. And
how kind of you to buy so many things from Miss Pen-
fold at the Bazaar. What are my father's noble lines ?
" True kindness is no blustering rogue that struts
With empty moutHngs on the stage of life,
But, like a tender, timid plant that shuts
At every touch, it shrinks from noisy strife."

(And so forth, I've forgotten the rest.) " I love kind-
ness," continued Mrs. Bellamy, " in young men. By the
way, will you excuse a short invitation, and dine with us
the day af ter to-morrow ? All the Penfolds are coming."
I said yes, and made up my mind that I must settle matters
with Mary one way or another before complications got
Worse, or young Penfold made any more progress. I felt
all the afternoon as if I'd committed a crime.

Friday, June 13th.—Three cheers. I've done it.
Called on the Bellamys to-day. Found Mary alone.
She was very sarcastic, but at last I could stand it no
longer, and told her I had never loved and never should
love anybody but her. Then she burst into tears, and I
-anyhow she's promised to marry me. Have to in-
terview Mrs. Bellamy to-morrow. iSTo time to do it to-
day, as she was out till late. Chuck her up!

Mother received the news very well. " Accepted you,
my darling boy ? " she said. " Of course she did. How
could she do otherwise ? Bring her to see me soon. She
shall, of course, have all the family jewels immediately,
and the dining-room furniture too. There '11 be a few
other trifles too, I daresay, that you '11 be glad of." Hear
Mother, she's the kindest soul in the world. Carlo has
been informed of the news, and is said to have mani-
fested an extraordinarily intelligent appreciation of it,
by insisting on a second helping for supper. He's a
remarkable dog.

" SEMPER EADEM/

[" The position of the Jews in Eussia becomes daily more
terrible. An order that they are henceforth to work upon
their Sabbath and holy festivals is about to be issued and put in
force."—Standard.——" A most pertinent illustration^ of the
falsity of repeated rumours and reports representing in some
cases a strong disposition, and in others an actual decision, on
the part of the Czar and the Russian Government, to alleviate
the miseries of the Jews."—Times.]
Who said the scourge should slacken ? Who foretold
The goad should cease, the shackle loose its hold ?
The wish, perchance, fathered once more the thought,
Though long experience against it fought.
Not so ! The Czar 's in Muscovy, and all
Is well with—Tyranny! The harried thrall
Shall still be harried, though, a little while,
The Autocrat on the Republic smile;
The Jew shall be robbed, banished, outraged still,
Although the tyrant, with a shuddering thrill
Diplomacy scarce hides, for some brief days
Must listen to the hated '■''Marseillaise ! "
Fear not, Fanatic! Despot do not doubt!
The rule of Orthodoxy and the Knout
Is not yet over wholly. France may woo,
Columbia plead, the Jew is still the JeAV ;
And, spite of weak humanitarian fuss,
Cesar be praised, the Buss is still the Euss!

A Grouse Outrage.—Shooting them before the Twelfth.

vol. ci.

H