Punch (101.1891)

December 12, 1891.]

PUNCH. OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

277

LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.

NO Till.—TO LAZINESS.
Best (and best-abused) of Abstractions,

goes into Court. Many are the tales told by those who have been
his juniors of the marvellous skill and address with which Figtbee
has time after time extricated himself from awkward situations into
which he had been led by his ignorance of the details of the case in
which he happened to be engaged. In the sensational libel case of

My heart positively warms to you as I write. At this pre- Bagicell v. Muter, Figteee, as you must remember, appeared for
cise moment I can think of a hundred different things that I ought the defendant. When the plaintiff's Junior Counsel had opened the
to be doing. For instance, I have not written to Tom, who is in the pleadings, Figtree actually got up, and, had not his own Junior
wilds of Canada, for months. His last letter ended with a pathetic pulled him down, he would then and there have opened the case for
appeal for an answer. the plaintiff. Yet Figtree's cross-examination of that same plain-

" Never mind, old chap," he said, "about not having any news. ' tiff, travelling as it did over a long period of time, and dealing with
Little details that you may think too insignificant to relate are bound a most complicated story, in which dates were of the first importance,
to interest me in this deserted spot. I am sure you occasionally meet is still cited by those who heard it as the most remarkable display of
some of our friends of the old days. Tell them I often think of them its kind which the English Courts have afforded for years past,
and all the fun we used to have together. It all seems like a dream Whether the unfortunate Bagwell, whom it showed conclusively to
to me now. Let me know what any of them are doing. I heard six j be a swindler and an impostor, has an equal admiration for it, I
months ago from a fellow who was touring out here that Jack Bumpus , know not, nor is he, I fancy, likely to tell us, even when he returns
was married. If it is really our old Jack, congratulate him, and give ■ from the prison which is now the scene of his labours. How Figteee,
him my love. I don't know his present address. But, whatever you I who at the outset did not even know on which side he appeared,
do, write. A letter from you is like water in the desert." : managed in the time at his command to master this intricate case,

When I read that letter I became full of the noblest resolutions. | must ever remain a mystery. Harry Addlestone, his Junior, is
Not another day should pass, I vowed, before I accustomed to talk darkly of a marvellous

answered it. So I prepared a great many sheets of s i y chronological analysis of the case which he

thin note-paper, carefully selected a clean nib and sat ._r —:---—„ had prepared for his leader, and evidently

down at my writing-table to begin. As I did so my <^ wishes me to believe that he, rather than
eyes feU upon Martin Chuzzlewit, which was lying \sW8SS|IP«^fc> Figtree, is to be credited with the success
within easy reach. The book seemed positively to achieved. But the Solicitors have not yet
command me to read it for the tenth time. I took it \l^Bi^ffil[ir^^^^^^^\ withdrawn their confidence from Figtree
up, and in another moment Mrs. Gamp had taken Ililral'll: ^ *§Illi^5% to transfer it to Addlestone.
possession of me. My writing-chair was uncomfort- yMW^M^^ , Slp^ 40$t- Here, then, is an instance of a perfectly
able. I transferred myself into an arm-chair. Is it ^^l^^^^fes. r^^5" "1 m\ indolent man rising higher and higher every
necessary to add that I did not write to Tom ? His »/ 5ear 011 t'ne ladder of professional advance-
letter is getting frayed and soiled from being con- / Sxjfji// /'Jw- F! ment. I can only attribute it, my dear

stantly in my pocket. Day after day it accompanies ^^^^^^^^C^^^'J/' N mf Laziness, to your beneficent influence,

me on my daily round, unanswered and seemingly "^^m^^^U^ which preserves the great barrister from
unanswerable. For I feel it to be a duty to write, fe|L^%sir// ^"^M^-the weary labours to which his rivals daily

and my mind abhors a duty. The letter weighs upon ^*Wmfr i %. 'Iwiik'') wJ SUDimt- Tiny say of him thai he knows

my conscience like lead. A few strokes of the pen W/ •' '( \\gr- S&W*-- m Jur nothing of law. If I grant that, it merely

would remove the burden, but I simply cannot screw Y )b wm T* proves that a knowledge of law is not

myself up to the task. That is £ ygm >- " jppm^ m'S required for success in the profession of

one of the things I ought to do. -—= J " \&mJ , >. $Jr\ the law. The deduction is dangerous, but

Again, ought I not to call on the ^£EEL__ /.< WrwKw''' obvious, and I recommend it warmly to all

Whittleseas ? Mr. and Mrs. X"-" ''Jffli&isEm S^S^^ I who are about to be called to the Bar.

Whittlesea have simply over- - - - -/ ~^^^^^^Bw /h'W^^- ^r—— I don't think I have anything more to

flowed with kindness towards me. _ff*|||§Bar ' - su-v to you to-day; indeed, 1 know that

I never enjoyed anything more than ^^^^^^"^^^^sSBBSKi-^ , " fel'^jJiMtJ y<m would be tic Las1 to desire that the

the week I spent at their house in ^T^^§§ Wa^^-^^^^S^ writing of this letter should be in any way

Kent a short time ago. They are "-^sl^Sfeg^^"-^ ; ^1'^'" '■'■' Xj- irksome to me. Besides, it is five o'clock

now in town, and, what is more, ^^^^^-^^t^^ft^v^ r-r"— — p.m. My arm-chair invites me. I feel

they know that I am in town too. " Z~~ ~ ~ tired, and, that being so, I am convinced it

Of course I ought to call. It's would be an act of pedantic folly to deny

my plain duty, and that is,-as far as I can tell, the only reason
which absolutely prevents me from calling upon that hospitable
family. Why need I go through the long list of niy pressing duties ?
I ought to write my article on Modern Theosophy : A Psychological
Parallel," for the next number of The Brain. I ought to visit my
dentist; I ought to have my hair cut. But I shall do none of these
things. On the other hand, it is absolutely unnecessary that I should
write to you. No evil would befall me if I waited another year, or
even omitted altogether to write to you. And that is the precise
reason why I am now addressing you. As a matter of fact, I like
you. As I have already said, the performance of strict duties is
irksome to me. It is you, my dear Laziness, who forbid me to per-
form them, and thus save me from many an uncongenial task. That
is why I like you.

And, after all, the common abuse of you is absurd. . I have heard
grave and industrious persons declare emphatically that any one
who allows himself to fall under your sway debars himself utterly
from every chance of success. Fiddlesticks ! I snap my fingers at
such folly. What do these gentlemen say to the case of Figteee,
the great Q.C. ? Everybody knows that Figtree is, without excep-
tion, the most indolent man in the world. Let any doubter walk
down Middle Temple Lane and ask the first young barrister he meets
what he thinks of Figteee. I am ready to wager my annual income
that the reply will be, " What, Old Figteee ! Why, he's the laziest
man at the Bar. I thought everybody knew that." I may be told,
of course, that Figtree appears in all the big cases—that his manage-
ment of them is extraordinarily successful; that the Judges defer to
him ; that his speech in the Camberwell poisoning case lasted a day
and a half, and is acknowledged to be a masterpiece of forensic
eloquence, fit to rank with the best efforts of Erskine ; that his fees
always exceed ten thousand pounds a year and that his book on
Fines and Recoveries is a monument of industry. All this I shall
hear from some member of the outside public, who does not know his
Figtree. But the fact remains. Figtree is the most indolent
being alive. I doubt if he can be induced to read a brief before he

vol. ci. b b

myself the sweet refreshment of half-an-hour's sleep. Farew ell,
kindly one. I shall always rejoice to honour you, and celebrate
your praise. Yours, with all goodwill,

Diogenes Robinson.

P.S.—I reopen this letter to say that I have just read in an
evening paper a terrible account of the total destruction by a
tornado of the town in Canada which was poor Tom's place of
exile. "The loss of life," it is added, "has been great,_ and
several Englishmen are amongst the victims." No names are given.
Good gracious ! If Tom has indeed perished, how am I ever to for-
give myself for neglecting him ? What must he have thought of
me ? I curse myself in vain for my—bah ! What is the use of
telling you this P The same paper informs me, in the elegant
language appropriate to these occasions, that " Mr. Figtree, Q,.C,
has been offered, and has accepted, the vacant Lord-Justiceship of
Appeal."

An Oppoetunity.—A Lyme Regis Correspondent sends us the
following advertisement, found, he says, in the Bridport News; we
omit dates and names:—

- will SELL by AUCTION, Three Fine DAIRY COWS to calve respect-

fultyin~De<i., April, and May next. An excellent double -feeding chaff-cutter, &c.

A respectful cow will no doubt fulfil her engagements honorably.
" A double-feeding chaff-cutter " ought to be an acquisition to a fast
set on a coach at the Derby, though of course his " double-feeding "
powers would have to be amply provided for at luncheon time.

" The nearest thing to ' setting the Thames on fire,' " said a quiet
traveller by the Underground, " is the announcement wdfich you will
now see at the St. James's Park Station:—'A Light Here for
Niagara.'" "Why," exclaimed an irate passenger to the timid
suggestion of the above, " of course it doesn't mean that." Then he
added, contemptuously, " Get out! " Which he did.