Punch (101.1891)

October 17, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 181

THE AUTOMATIC PHYSIOGNOMIST.

Sce>~e—The German Exhibition, near an ingenious machine con-
structed to reveal the character and future of a person according
to the colour of his or her hair, for the small consideration of
one penny. A party of Pleasure-seekers are examining it.

First Pleasure-seeker [a sprightly young lady of the name of
Lottie). "Put in a penny and get a summary of your character
from the colour of your 'air." I wonder what they '11 'ave next!

Second Pl.-s. {her admirer, a porridge-faced young man with pink
eyelids and flaming hair, addressed as 'Ector by his intimates). Ah,

it's surprising how far they've got, it
reelly is. And beginning with butter-scotch,
too!

Aunt 3Iaria. Come on, do—you don't want
to waste no more time over that rubbidge !

Fourth Pl.-s. {a lanky youth, with pale
hair and a receding chin, to his fiancee).
Hadn't we better be making a move if we're
going to 'ear the band, Carrte ?

Carrie. I shall move on when I like, with-
out your leave, Freddy ; so make no mistake.

Freddy. Oh, I'm in no 'urry. I only
thought your Aunt was getting—but don't
mind me. [Carrie does not mind him.

Dolph. {the funny man of the party).
'Old on a bit! I've got some coppers. I'm going to sample this
concern. I'11 put in for all of you—it's my treat, this is. We'll
begin with Aunt Maria. "What colour do you call your 'air now ?
I don't see any slot marked " cawfy-colour."*

Aunt Maria. Never you mind what colour my 'air is—it's a pity
you can't find a better use for your pennies.

Dolph. {inse?-t>ng a penny in a slot marked ''Light Brown").
'Ere goes, the oracle's working. (The machine emits a coloured card.)
Listen to what it says about Aunt Maria. She is —" tender-'arted."
Jest what I've always said of her! "A little 'asty in her temper "
—'ullo, must be a 'itch in the machinery, there !—"neither obstinate
nor 'aughty "—[A snort from Aunt Maria at this)—" her inclination
to love never unreasonable." 'Ow like her! "Frolicsome, inclined
to flirt and sometimes mischievous." You giddy little thing! Up
to all your little tricks, this machine is! " Fertile in imagination,
domesticated, thoughtful and persevering "—There's Aunt Maria
for yer!

General Chorus. Good old Aunt Maria !

Dolph. There's a prophecy on blue paper from Napoleon's Book
of Fate, gratis. [Reads.) " Thy 'oroscope forewarns thee of a loss
if thou lendest thy money." Just when I was going to borrow arf-
a-crown off of her too !

Aunt Maria. Ah, I didn't want no machine for that. 'Ow you
can patronise such rubbidge, I don't know! Tellin' characters' by
the colour of your 'air, indeed—it's told mine all wrong, anyhow!

Dolph. Well, you see, your 'air's so natural it would deceive any
machine ! [Movement on part of Aunt Maria.

Lottie. Pat in for 'Ector next, Dolph, do. I want to hear what
it says about him.

Dolph. They don't keep Ms colour in stock—afraid o' losing their
insurance policy. " Red or orbun's " the nearest they can get to it.
[He puts in a penny in the "Bed'''' slot.) Here's old 'Ector.
{Beads.) "The Gentleman with long red hair is of a restless dis-
position, constantly roving." Keep your eye on him, Lottie! " Im-
patient and fiery in temper "—' Old 'im, two of yer ?—" but for all
that, is kind and loving." You needn't 'old him—it's all right.
" He is passionately fond of the fair sex." What all of 'em, 'Ector?
I'm ashamed of yer! "He is inclined to timidity "—Oo'dha' thought
it ?—'' but by refiection may correct it and pass for a man of courage."
You start reflecting at once, old chap!

'Fetor [ominously, to Lottie"). If Dolph don't mind what he's
about, he '11 go too far some day !

{lie breathes hard, then thinks better of it.

Dolph.Now it's Carrie's turn. "Leave you out ?" Couldn't
think of it. Brown'air, Carrie's is. {He puts in a penny.) "A
Lady with 'air of a medium brown colour, long and smooth"—Is
your 'air Ion? though, Carrie ?

Came [with pride). I should hope so—I can set on it.

Dolph. That's nothing! So can Aunt Maria set on hers ' [With
a glance at that Lady's very candid "front.") Can't you, Auntie,
eh ? If you make a effort ?

Aunt Maria [with dignity). I '11 thank you to 'ave the goodness fo
drop your sauce, Mr. Adolphus Gaggs ; it's out of place and not
appreciated, I can assure you! [She walks away.

Dolph. [surprised). Whv, there's Aunt Mai; ia got the 'ump—for a
little thing like that! Let me imish with Cabbie. [Beads.) "She
is of an intellectual turn of miud." (" 'Far, 'ear! " from Fbjeddy.)

Very fond of reading." Takes in Sloper's ' Alf Oliday regular !
" Steadfast in her engagements." 'Ullo, Carrie !

Carrie [firing up). Well, have you anything to say against that'?
You'd better take care, Mr. Gaggs!

Dolph. I was only thinking. Sure you haven't been squaring this
machine? Ah, it tells you some 'ome truths here—"Although

inquisitive and fond of prying into the secrets of others-" Now

however did it know that f

Carrie. It isn't there—you 're making it up !

[She snatches the card, reads it, and tears it up.

Dolph. Temper—temper ! Never mind. Now we '11 try Freddy.
What's his shade of 'air ? I should say about the colour of spoilt
'ay, if I was asked.

Carrie [with temper). You 're not asked, so you needn't give your
opinion!

Dolph. Well, keep your 'air on, my dear girl, and we '11 call
Freddy's "Fair." [Beading_ card.) " A gentleman with this colour
of hair will be assiduous in his occupation-"

Carrie [warmly). What a shame ! I'm sure he isn't. A re you,
Freddy ? [Freddy smiles vaguely.

Dolph. "Not given to rambling,"—Except in his 'ed,—"very
moderate in his amorous wishes, his mind much given to reflection,
inclined to be 'asty-tempered, and, when aroused,"—'Ere, somebody,
rouse Freddy, quick!—"to use adjectives." Mustn't use 'em
'ere, Freddy! 1 But if reasonably dealt with, is soon appeased."
Pat his 'ed, Carrie, will yer ? " Has plenty of bantering humour."
[Here Freddy grins feebly.) Don't he look it too! "Should
study his diet." That means his grub, and he works 'ard enough
at that! " He has a combination of good commercial talents, which,
if directed according to the reflection of the sentiments, will make
him tolerably well off in this world's goods."

Carrie [puzzled). What's it forking about noio t

Dolph. Oh, it on'y means he's likely to do well in the cat's-meat
line. Now for your fortune, Freddy. "It will be through mar-
riage that your future will be brightened."

Carrie [pleased). Lor, Freddy, think o' that!

Dolph . Think twice of it, Freddy, my boy. Now we '11 be off and
get a drink.

Carrie. Wait. We haven't got your character yet, Mr. Gaggs !
Dolph. Oh, mine—they couldn't give that for a penny. Too good,
yer know!

Carrie. If they haven't got it, it's more likely they're afraid it
would break ihe machine. I'm going to put in for you under
"Black." [She does.) Here we are. [Beads.) "The gentleman
will be much given to liquor." Found out first time, you see,
Mr. Gaggs !

Dolph. [annoyed). Come, no personalities now. Drop all that!

Carrie. " Somewhat quarrelsome and of an unsettled temper ; more
decorous and less attentive in his undertakings, and consequently
meets with many disappointments. Such gentlemen"—now you
listen to this, Mr. Gaggs !—" will now know their weaknesses, which
should induce them to take steps to improve themselves." (" 'Far,
'ear!" from the rest of the party.) "Knowledge is power, and
enables us to overcome many obstacles we otherwise should have
fallen prey to." This is your fortune. "Thou art warned to he
careful what.thou drinkest! " Well, they do seem to know you, I
must say !

Dolph. [in a white rage). I tell you what it is, Miss Carrie Bick-
ertom-, you appear to me to be turning a 'armless joke into a mejium
for making nasty spiteful insinuations, and I, for one, am not going
to put up with it, whatever others may ! So, not being partial to
being turned into redicule and made to look a fool in companv, I '11
leave you to spend the rest of the evening by yourselves, and wish
you a very good-night!
[He turns majestically upon his heel and leaves the party stupefied.

'Ector, [with mild regret). It do seem a pity though, so pleasant
as we were together, till this come up !

Freddy. And Carrie's Aunt Maria gone "off in a tantrum, too.
We shall have a job to find 'er now!

Lottie and Carrie. Oh, do hold your tongues, both of you. You
and your automatic machines !

'Fetor and Freddy. Our automatic machines ! Why, we never-

Lottie and, Carrie. If you say one word more, either of you, we '11
go home! [Freddy and 'Ector follow them meekly in search of
Aunt Maria as the Scene closes in.

VOICES OF THE NIGHT.

[In Fleet Street.)

On raucous street-" Echo," whose vile vox clamantis

Is, like the Salvationist's shout, heard a mile hence,
I wish, how I wish,—ah ! yes, that what we want is!—

Some Cockney Narcissus could charm you to silence.
All, me ! no such luck ; in the clear autumn twilight

Your shriek on my tympanum stridently jars. _
" Echo " murders repose, mars the daffodil sky light;

And if one thing sounds worse 'tis "the Voice of the Stars

vol. c7.

b