Punch (101.1891)

July 18, 1891.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

25

LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.

No. II.—TO SOCIAL AMBITION.

Clubs remark openly upon his ridiculous desire to pose as an earth-
shaking- personage, and when he goes home he has to listen to a
series of bitter home-truths from the acrid Elvira. Would it not, I
ask, have been better for Sir Gervase Bleneinsop, K.C.M.G., to

Dear Sir, or Madam, 1 have continued his ancient and aimless existence, than to have had a
I had not intended to annoy you -with another letter. But fallacious greatness dangled before his eyes to the end of his
since I addressed you last week I have received one or two commuui- disappointed, but aspiring life ?

cations—not from you, Men entendu, for you are too wary to dispute One more instance, and I have done. Do you remember Tommy

the accuracy of what I have written; but Tipstaff at Trinity ? I do. He was, of

from concrete human beings, who pretend course, a foolish youth, but he might have

to speak on your behalf, and deny that I have na<^ a pleasant life in the fat living for

"proved my case." I mightanswer by saying sasif^t'lt which his family intended him. In his

that I never set out to prove a case—that I tP$:^ >?> second year at the University, he met Sir

wished merely to enjoy a friendly chat with \ki\' $ James Spoof, an undergraduate Baronet, of

vou, and to appeal to your clemency on great wealth, and dissolute habits. Poor

behalf of the large class whom I ventured to ^'"T. /Tj Tommy was dazzled by his new friend's

represent by the Dabchices. "But," says gaffm^ / ^^S*« /^sA '/ specious glare and glitter, and his slapdash

one of my detractors, in a letter now lying Smi'jl'x l^Ml® t^v^^Tl manner of scattering his money. They

before me, " vou have only given one instance. Wm0 \ /' ft^lHffl jN-" became inseparable. The same dealer sup-

You have talked grandly about Queens, and j|H' / '^rPLfc \.f ; plied them with immense cigars, thy went

Duke*, and actresses, and, in the end. you /MBm i-__- I^'llm^w ° 1" race m,'"'t'n-s- anc^ tried to break the

have put us off with a wretched story —.- _ ring. When Sir James wished to gamble,
about the parvenu Dabchick, For my W$wF ' \ " maN^lvf'Jl? Tommy was always ready to keep the bank,
part, I refuse to admit your authority Wmmr— ' Inl vasi;?Pi§few\ ^n(^ a^ ^e ^me P°°r Mrs. Tipstaff, in her
until you prove, in greater detail, that you W®m*^-~~-'' V rM hL country home, was overjoyed at her darling's
really know something of the subject on {w*i W^^M^MMfffSil success in what she told me onee was the
which you presumed to write." "Sir," I xOi ^'i!^7/j most brilliant and remarkable set at Cam-
reply, "you are brusque, and somewhat $*<!if|\ L mwW&^W^ bridge.

offensive in the style you use towards me. ^Pffiy m fl^y^Km^\ Where is Tommy now ? The other day

For my part I do not admit that you are 7 Jt— \]~ mmrfMMq a ra8'cG(l man shambled up to me, with a

entitled to an answer from me, and I have / flml i ulffMiMll n request that I should buy a box of lights

felt disposed to pass you by in silence. But / //ml j flriWuM II from him. There was a familiar something

since there may be other weak vessels of / I ml / m/IIiP^I Id about him. Could it be Tommy? The

your sort, I will do violence to myself, and / W / jffffiJf at If question was indirectly answered, for, before

pen another letter." And thus, my dear ; ) X- /4mW viK ' cou^c' cxtracl a penny, or say a word, he

Social Ambition, I once move take the ! | /0f-lm f|j|[ looked hard at nie, turned his le ad away,

liberty of addressing you, not without an WV j W\W anc^ ma(^e °^ as as ms rickety legs

inward tremor lest you should pounce upon Y\ \ jv W Ml* would carry him. Most men must have

me unawares, and cause me to expiate my Y\ el i mm Mm had a similar experience, but few know,

rashness by driving me from the calm |E wl as ^ ^o, that Youi mJr c^car Social

seclusion in which I spend my days, to , Ambition, urged the wretched Tommy to

mingle with the feverish throng who wrangle . Hr ill his destruction.

for place and precedence, myself the most ^ v " I Jl\ ]fV ®n ^ne '"'l10^6' I dislike you. Those

feverish wrangler of them all. But, on the ^VjjKjfM ...Mifff™ wSllfh^ wno °^e^ 5"ou Decome the meanest of God's

Erinciple that we are both, in some sort, <^^^JW^^pS-'jJ^ 4§v£i^ creatures,

awks, I think I may trust you to spare my Pardon my candour, and believe me,

eyes, while I remind you of one or two incidents in which you tore a
part.

And first Bleneinsop knocks at the door of my memory. I
bid him enter, and I see a tall slim youth, not ill-favoured,
wearing well - cut clothes, and carrying a most beautiful,
gold-topped Malacca cane deb'cately in his hand. He is
smoking a cigar, and complains to me that his life is a succession
of aimless days, and that he cannot find any employment to turn
his hand to. That very night, I remember, he dined with me. We
went to the play together, and afterwards looked in at Lady
Alicia Parboll's dance. Dear Lady Alicia, how plump she was, and
how good-natured, and how well she married her fiddle-headed daugh

Yours, without respect, Diogenes Robinson.

AUTHOR! AUTHOR!

Lord Coleridge's summing up to the Jurv in the action taken by
Jones (author of burlesques) v. Roberts (player of the same) was
excellent common sense, a quality much needed in the case. Mr. Jones,
—not our Enery Hauthor, whose contempt for Burlesque generally is
as well known as he can make it,—wrote to Mr. Arthur Roberts,
formerly of the Music HaUs and now of the legitimate Stage, styling
him "Governor," and professed that he woidd "fit him to a T.
Poeta nascitur non "fit,"—and the born burlesque-versifier was
ters Her husbandtoo, that clumsy, heavy-witted oaf, how cunningly | t to what would p^oably be his comic version of the Latin

and how successfully withal she schemed for his advancement Quid b B t the Arthur, who does so much for himself

plura f you knew her well, she was devoted to you. I only speak j £ ffi t hardly required any extraneous help, and at last
°^TJ° £™*iZ™ ^IZ^rJf^Jf^i.^^ rejected theVsult of'poor1 Jones's three months' hard labour at the

Gervase Bleneinsop met you—and his fate. He had danced
for the second time that evening with Elvira Parboil, and, having
returned that blushing virgin to her accustomed corner, was just
about to depart when the ample form of Lady Alicia bore down
upon him : Oh, Mr. Bleneinsop," her Ladyship began, " I really
cannot allow you to go before I introduce you to Mr. WlLBRAHAM

Joe-Millery mill. This, however, was no joke to Jones, who straight-
way decided that this time he would give the inimitable Arthur
something quite new in the way of a jest; and so, dropping the dialogue,
he came to " the action," which, in this instance, was an action-at-
law. Whatever Mr. Roberts may have thought of the words, he
will hardlv have considered the result of this case as " good business"

I hear, she continued, he has just lost his Private Secretary, and | f Mg • • te and ^ int of yiew_ But aU D^atic
.Mo knows but that—- Here she paused and archly tapping her j A th ^h the solit/rv exception of Mr. Yardley, formerly
I' cheek with her fan, she bore him oft to introduce him to the f ^ the Md but nuw better kn0W11 in "The Lane," at panto-

l!ffiiZ^fd 1 , cemmf I- STethT SUSpfyt mime time, than to any Court where he has a legal right to appear in
to me that Blfamnsop was lost. Must I go through the whole ■ d R0\TO from \he smallest, who write to please a " Governor,"
painful story r He became Private Secretary to his new Right ' 11

up to the biggest, who write to please themselves, should rejoice at
the decision in the case of Jones v. Roberts.

honourable friend, and from that moment he was a changed man.
His cheery good-nature vanished. Instead of it he cultivated an air
of pompous importance. One by one he weeded out his useless
friends, and attached to himself dull but potentially useful big wigs An Omission at the Guildhall Luncheon.—On the occasion
who possessed titles and influence. At one of our last speaking j of the Civic Banquet to the German Emperor, an Alderman, distin-
interviews (we only nod distantly now when we meet), he hinted that j guished for his courtesy to strangers, and his appreciation of good
in the next distribution of honours his name might be expected. It : dishes, especially of anything at all spicy, wished to know why, as a
appeared, but. alas for gratitude, he had to satisfy himself with a :compliment to their Imperial guest, thev had omitted " pickelhaubes
paltry I.C.M.G., which his wife (I forgot to say that he married | from the bill of fare? He had understood, from well-informed
Elvira) despises. He is now a disappointed man whom his friends, : friends, that the Emperor seldom went anywhere wdthout some
if he had any, would pity. He is getting on in life ; the affectations j "pickelhaubes," whatever they might be, as he himself, the worthy
he so laboriously cultivated no longer amuse. The witlings of his I Alderman, had never had the opportunity of tasting one.

VOL. CT. D