Punch (101.1891)

December 26, 1891.] PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

301

A QUEER CHRISTMAS PARTY.

I remember coming- home and dressing to go out again. Of this
so far I am sure. I remember too taking a cab; also the cab takin? me.
But oddly enough though I dined that evening with a very old friend,
somehow I cannot for the life of me, at this moment, call to mind
his name or remember where he lives.

However, the evening was so remarkable that I at once sat down

that it was a Russian custom, remained with us, smoking, 8nd
drinking kummel out of a Samovar. Immediately upon the departure
of the ladies, Robekt Elsmere resumed his argument.

" I have not,'- he said, in a low tone, " rooted up the most sacred
growths of life as a careless child devastates his garden."

" 1 have never yet heard of a DntRisnEER who was a turn-coat or
a spy," remarked the Master of Ballantree, casually.

"Ah! but that is another Btory," objected Colonel Gabsby,
stroking his long moustache.

next day to record aU that I could remember of this strange; "I can believe anything," said Dorlan Gray, " as long as it is
Christmas Party. Round the table were Robert Elsmere, Dorian | quite incredible."

Gray, Sir Alan Qeatermain, the Master of Ballantree, and other | "Oh! Then you'd believe that story old Batt, the fisherman,
distinguished persons, including Princess Napraxtne,—a charming i told us about the pike at Goring ! " said one of the trio, with a
woman, who looked remarkably well in her white velvet with a knot contemptuous laugh.

of old lace at her throat and a tea-rose in her hair. Mrs. Hawesree, 1 And here we come to the unfortunate incident which broke up our
too, looked smart in black satin, but in my opinion she was cut out party. I shall always blame the Princess for this. If she had gone
by little Daisy Miller, a sprightly young lady from America. My to the drawing-room with the other ladies, it would never have
host (I wish I could remember his name) carried his love of celebrities happened. It appears that she considered herself insulted by a re-
so far, that even his servants were persons of considerable notoriety, mark of Dorian's, which I thought innocent enough. I think it
His head butler, a man named Mblvaney, was an old soldier, who, was. that " All Art is quite useless."

with the two footmen (formerly his companions-in-arms) had been Why she should have taken this so personally—whether she
known in India by the name of " Soldiers Three." thought he was alluding to her Narcissus-like complexion, or her

"It was so good of you to come, although your husband had wealth of luminous hair—I cannot say. At any rate—though I
Russian influenza," remarked our , would not have it even whispered

host to Anna Karenina, who was ' to poor little Jim, who, being far

seated on his left. •. . from well, had been quite unable

"My dear friend," she replied, to leave his sofa,—I say, at any

"I was only too delighted; for ^"TN-^v _ . / rate, I, for one, felt convinced,

really my husband cracks his L \ \i&^"~^,'z~rT - —I ry\'' Kr that the Princess had taken quite

finger-joints so much more lately, v . 'jf - .;" ' "k/j S^.k-,1..- (§j as much kummel as was good for

and it makes me so nervous, that V | ' ' /s^tt^-^lWk her, otherwise, how could any one,

I often think, if it were not that ,\ * m [' 1 except my old friend Alice be

Mr. Wrongsky sometimes calls on \ yKmm^^i.<^^^^ oA' vk)t ffg Vtoxderland account for her

my day at home, I am sure I \. v'IPvf. r^K^^t^".: ^ \% urging the Three Men, already

should be bored to death! " -\\ \% , >. ^^p-r>r-^ Q XZSiWk far gone, to go still farther, and

"Ah! I know what that is!" \ \^kH^L^%W^7 t v >M3^11fc> Q^-----^-~~: to "Protect her honour," as she

said Hebda Gabler, nodding V i . •'• (V* "~ ^^^Wf 'l&^&IB. termed it, "by wiping out the

sympathetically. " My husband, \ V i m. '> W' J W'tf B\, ■ • --/Ik insult offered to the Napraxines!"

when he heard I wanted to come • •., \ y& f i f ujJ(lntE!^^^0^ ^ (j? * The Three Men took the sug-

to-dav, said ' Fancy that! ' and I k 1 '\\ / 7 ■' J\ /' J^^IP^Sv '"''X ^ \ gestion literally. A wild scene

really felt I could have thrown >. ||%\\Ww/ VjJf- ^£$11111^ ^ '■• ensued. Shouting wildly, " We'11

something at him. They are so vA / Er'--,/'' '^S;M^% kk--~- kk_ spoil your beauty for you!" one

irritating," she added, with a -%V \'V^|, i 1^^*/ ' - tore the flower out of Dorian's

glance at Therese Raqctn who ^•k:k>/ ') - .,,^#T^^|^^<n^ .. _ coat, another threw the red copper

was sitting very silent at the other "S^Sfei^^^^ ^^^^ - ' ^° °* rose-water at his head, a

end. of the table softly caressing a ^^-..^JXC^^^g^. k *^§|i§gS^' * |V, third, with the uncommonly vulgar

fruit-knife. " -'" :."" -v §p <?r^gjp»r' WW? \0 exclamation, "Art be Mowed !

"Ah!" sighed Dorian Gray, j :kkk==T~ ^05^01: ' . ■/ jf m: we '11 show you some science!"

as he dipped his white taper fingers —^—.^z^i i''^^ffof wm<!&g* ri ' l/i-aW struck the unfortunate man a

in a red copper bowl of rose-water. ~ >■ _ > , violent blow on the nose with his

" I have had an exquisite life. I ^ \ / NipP^ fj I - ' clenched fist.

have drunk deeply of everything. ifi i t 'Jifi-_ How the scene might have ended

I have crushed the grapes against ifi/' but for the sudden intervention of

my palate. And it has all been to _ Mulvaxey and his companions, I

me no more than the sound of music. It has not marred me. I am ] cannot say. In the strangest dialect, and with the most uncouth
still the same. More so, if anything." oaths, they literally "went for" the Three Boating Men. The

'' I think we ought to understand one another, perhaps, Mr. Gray," aquatic champions were completely demolished by the Soldiers Three,
said Robert Elsmere, with a quick sense of oppression. "I know Inthewordsof the butler, " Their shirt-fronts were crumpled'orrid."
your opinions of course from your books. You know what mine as j The three youths^ in a pitiable state, left the house with the Prin
an honest man must be. My conscience forbids me to discuss
anything."

"My dear Elsmere," returned Dorian, "don't deceive yourself.
Life is not governed by Will or Intention. Life has been my Art.
I have set myself to music. My days have been my sonnets, and it
has not hurt me. I am as good-looking as ever." And with his
cool, flower-like hands, and his charming boyish smile, he lit a
gold-tipped cigarette, offering one to Princess Napraxine.

She refused it, but produced a cigar-«ase, embroidered with the
arms of the Napraxtnes, from which she took a very large cigar.

"1 should like to /take that fellow out on the river3with me,"
muttered one of the boating trio to his friends.

" And drown him," said another.

" Or set Montmorency at Mm," said the third.

These Three Men, who, on their arrival, had been rather bashful,
had become, during the process of demolishing the Christmas
padding with fire-brandy sauce, to which they helped themselves
plentifully, the most cheerful of all the companv. They talked and
laughed loudly, alluded to Mr. Elsmere as " Old Square-toes" ; and
made no more disguise of the evident admiration with which Mrs.
Hawksbee had inspired them, than they did of the violent dislike
they had conceived for Mr. Gray.

They were growing less and less able to control their actions, and
I was not sorry when the time arrived for the ladies to retire, which
they did rather earlier than they had intended doing, owing to a
sudden display of ill-temper on the part of Diana of the Crossways.
They all withdrew, with the exception of the Princess, who, alleging

cess, and went off all together in a droschki, the driver of which
wore a badge on which was inscribed, " Josef Hattonsei. By Order
of the Czar." Dorian had already escaped, bearing on his handsome
countenance the impress of fists and the stains of flattened mince-pies.

For my own part ... I don't know how I managed to get away._ I
suppose I must have been rendered insensible by a candlestick which
was thrown at me. At all events, I found myself on the floor,
having tumbled out of bed . . . But how I had ever got to bed_ I do
not remember. It may be I shall never discover the truth of it all
Stay !—had I been hypnotised ? If so, when, where, and by whom'

AN ANTI-HISS-TRIONIC BIRD.

A "par" in the Daily News last Thursday told how the Anti-
podteans had presented Miss Nellie Farren with "a LaugMng
Jackass." What a time he'll have of it! Always in fits, and
perhaps the merry bird will at last " die o' laughin' " ! For it is a
biped and not a quadruped; not that as a biped_ "the Laughing
Jackass" is by any means a lusus nature?. This bird, not probably
unfamiliar with the " 'Oof Bird" of sporting circles, is, it is said, "a
foe to snakes." Excellent omen this for Miss Farren. Laughter
everywhere, and no hissing permitted. If hissing heard anvwhere.
up starts the Laughing Jackass and down he comes on the snake, and
there's an end of the hissing. Theatrical Managers would do well
to cultivate the Laxighing Jackasses, and kbep a supply always tm
the premises.

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