Punch (101.1891)

August 8, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 61

LARKS FOR LONDONERS.

Sir,—Certainly throw open all our Town
Halls for gratuitous concerts and dances!
But that's not half enough. Some of us don't
care for dancing, and abhor music. What I
propose is that Free Billiard-tables should be
established in each parish. Billiards is much
better exercise than sitting still on a chair
listening to singing. Then there ought to be
places where one could get municipal tobacco
without paying for it. Tobacco is just as much
a necessary of life as education—more so, in
fact, in my opinion. On winter evenings it
would also be nice to be able to step over to
one's Town HaU and have a glass or two of
free ale, or "wine from the wood "—also from
the rates. I don't pay rates myself, as I
happen to live in a flat, but I am sure the
ratepayers will immediately recognise the
justice of my demands. Unbiassed

See,—By all means let us try to give more
pleasure to the people. The pleasure, however,
should be of a distinctly elevating kind. I
would advocate throwing open the South
Kensington Natural History Museum in the
evening. This would be most useful, espe-
cially to people living at the East End, and
the amusement thus afforded, though perhaps
not rollicking, would at all events be solid.
To keep out undesirable characters, it would
be as well to admit nobody who could not
produce his baptismal certificate, and a recom-
mendation from the clergyman of his parish,
countersigned by a resident J. P. I am sure
that people would jump at a chance of an
evening anion? the Coleoptcra.

Yours, Naturalist.

NEW TOBY NURSEBY RHYME.
{By "A Cambridge Parson.")

[" The last reliance of the Tories in extremity is
the policy of ' Dishing.' "—$vf W. Sareourt.]

Hey diddle diddle,
The voters we'd fiddle

With Free Education—that " boon."
But Wisbech birds laugh
At such plain party " chaff,"
And the " Dish"—at the polls—proves
a "Spoon."

AFTER THE SEASON.

A Proposal Fin do Steele.

Farewell ! since the Season is over,

Ah me, but its moments were sweet!
You are off, via Folkestone or Dover,

To some Continental retreat.
On Frenchman and German you '11 laA'ish

The smiles that can madden me still;
While I, with the gillie McTavish,

Am breasting the heather-clad hill.

Oh, do vou remember the dances,

The clearest were those we sat out,
How I frowned when detecting your glances FROM GBANDOLPH THE ENPLOBER.

On others, which caused vou to pout ? ^ ? i c n * i j. • t t

You are chanceful and coy and capricious, ! 0*> for one }wllT of *£e Amphytrion. I
A. weathercock easily blown ; can t even send you a digest of the news

generally, for my power to digest is already

But when shall I hear the delicious
One word that proclaims you my own

becoming seriously impaired. Here, indeed,
as say the Witches in Macbeth (1 think it's
the Witches, but haven't my Shakspeare
handy, I mean my Handy Shakspeare, with
me—wish I had), Fowl is Fare." Send my
Pilgrim's Scrip next week. Till then,

Yours ever, Graxdolph.

m THE NAME OF CHARLES DIBDIN!

A Lay for the Lifeboat Service.

[An urgent appeal is made on behalf of the
Royal National Lifeboat Institution, which is
declared to be " in dire financial straits," the deficit
for last year being £33,000. Subscriptions and
donations will be thankfully received by Charlbs
Dibdix, Esq., Secretary, E.X.L.I., 14, St. John
Street, Adelphi, London, \Y.C]

Tree "tuneful Charley is no more,"
As Debdix's Monument informs us ;
, . But memorv of the man who bore

Sir —1 cannot understand why people should m£Bii. ' That honoured name still stirs and warms us.

ask for more amusement than they get at ftiPKw : HI knd here's another of his name,

present. Have not they the Parks to walk f^-W^vf^^^mM Wno still the British Sailor's serving;

about m ? In wet weather they can take shelter ; WL^^^^^Wn Then who could see without sore shame

under trees. In winter they ought to stay at j Wte-^S^k^ffi'Wf' • ' Jon-y BuLL from 7"'s Plain dutv swerving

home in the evenings, and enjoy reading aloud
to their families. I would even go so far as to
allow an occasional game at draughts. Chess
is too exciting, and of course backgammon is
out of the question, because of the deadly
dice-box. For the frivolously inclined, '' Pus's
in the Corner" is a harmless indoor game.
I throw out these observations for what they
may be worth, and trusting that they will not
be regarded as dangerously subversive of
morality, I remain, Yours grimly,

Home, Sweet Home !

Sir,—The movement for turning our Town
HaUs into places of amusement is an excel-
lent one. What I would like to suggest is,
that the Yestrymen should themselves take
part in the entertainments. Why not have
weekly theatrical performances, with parts
found for all local Authorities p I feel con-
vinced that Hamlet, played by our Vestry,
would be worth going miles to see. The Dust
Contractor could play the Ghost, while minor
characters could be sustained bv the Medical
Officer of Health, the Chaplain'of the Work-
house, and others: the Chairman, of course,
would figure in the title role. A topical
comic song, by the Board of Guardians, with
breakdown, might serve as a pleasing inter-
lude ; breakdowns in local matters are, I
believe, not unknown already. The idea is Bacox axd a Moutheul.—Last Friday His [Extorted, by circumstances beyond his control,
worth considering. I think'the Yestrvmen ' Honour JudsreBacoxhad to decide a casewhich ! from a stolid but unsuccessful Saxon Shootist at
owe something- to the ratepayers in return for : ^as headed" in the papers " Casrliostroman- ! Bisley and Wimbledon, after the match at the latter
the votes w^ give them. Yours " ; theon." What a mouthful: Mts.'Cbtbchill- j glace, between picked twenties of the London

MeeBT Avdrew i Jodrell, who was a fair defendant, won the Scottish and the London Eifie Brigade, won easily
ease ; and His Honour-this appeal having I bv the former team.]

been made to His Honour by Mr. B. Plat- , Oh! the Scot lot are all cracks at a shot.
fair, an excellent name for any gentleman, And extremely successful at Hunting the Pot.
on or off the stage, but especially for one de- \ This particular "Saxon " the hump has got,
scribed as "an actor,"—decided, that His j Bcin<? licked by a team which is Picked and
Honour was satisfied. Peace with His Honour! ' Scot.

They say that an eloquent passion

Has long become quite out of date,
That true love is never the fashion,

And marriage a wearisome state.
They conjure up many a bogie,

To guard a man's bachelor life,
And keep him a selfish old fogey.

And stop him from taking a wife.

They vow that a wife needs a carriage,

And opera-boxes and staUs,
That money's the one thing in marriage,

And cheques are as common as calls.
They say women shv (like some horses)

At vows made to love and obey ;
They teB you drear tales of divorces,

And scandals, the talk of the day.

But hang aB those cynical railings,

Just write me one exquisite line
To sav you '11 look over my failings,

And promise me you will be mine.
And though I'm aware it's the merest

Small matter of detail, to clear
The ground, I may mention, my dearest,

I 've full thirty thousand a year.

Thirty-three Thousand to the bad,

Our Lifeboat Service, once our glory ?
Nay, Johx, that will not do, my lad;

Next year must teB a different story.
Think, what would " tuneful Charley " say

To such a thing ? In racy lingo,
Upon our backs his lash he'd lay.

And give the slothful Britons stingo."

Thirty-five thousand lives they've saved,

Our Life-boat rescuers, already.
The seas around our shores thev've braved,

With valour prompt and patience steady.
Shall they be floored for L. S. D.,

Because Johx Bell his pockets buttons ?
Then the old keepers of the Sea

Must be, in pluck, as dead as muttons.

True, lads, on such a text as this

" We sadly miss old Charley's line ; "
But were we mute, Neptune would hiss

His sons degenerate off the brine.
Old " Charley " spins his yarns no more !

He's dead, as Scrooge declared old Mar ley.
What then ? Wake up, from shore to shore,

And—send your guineas to Young Charley !

"Great Scot!"

Bruisers axd Boluses.—A "Champion"
pugilist is even more presumptuous than a
popular PilL He claims to be "Worth a
Thousand Guineas a ' Box.'"

vol. ci.

G