Punch: Punch (101.1891)

July 11, 1891.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

15

As doffing your helmet, and drop- i One Chief we could trust; we
ping your hose, were sure that our Shaw

Tou bid us farewell, we all own i His duty would manfully
you tackle.
As one of Fiend Fire's most re- So faiwell, great Fire King!

doubtable foes
As that thirty years we have
known you.

Your crown you lay by
E'en you cannot lay by your
credit.

Our Big Boards might job, and Ignipotent Knight ? Well, you

our Big Wigs might jaw, ought to stand high

But, spite of their tricks and In the next Honour - List!

their cackle, Punch has said it!

OFF TO MASHER LAND.

{By Our Own Grandolph.)
(SECOND LETTER. — B.)
The Magnum Opus.
A propos of this heading, what a treasure a Magnum Opal would
be. This remark is only " bv the way." My motto is Business! Toivn"- . q™^™™™

-it:__i. tvi__ /_____j_\ „ji____c„ +~ __l- A iMlirLK SUGGESTION.

natural history and plenty of it)—I'm no use at all. Now at this
moment I am wide awake, a giant refreshed; so I light another
fragrant weed, and call for another cool drink, as I haven't the
smallest idea what became of the one I ordered when the Gallant
Graphist commenced reading ; I rather suspect he ' put it to his lips
when so dispoged,' and that, in this instance also, he mistook my nod
for silent but emphatic encouragement.

"Now," I say to the Amiable Amanuensis and Adaptable
Author, "you read your stuff aloud with emphasis and discretion, and
I '11 chuck in the ornamental part. Excuse me, that's my drink,"
I say, with an emphasis on the possessiye pronoun, for the Soldierly
Scribe, in a moment of absorption, was about to apply that process to
my liquor. He apologises handsomely, and commences his recital.
In the absence of a gong,—one ought never to travel without a gong,
—I whack the tea-tray with a paper-knife. " All in to begin ! "

• " The mail train " &c, &c. 1 make my notes, and remark that
Murray and Bradshaw lost a great chance in not having long ago
secured the services of the Corresponding Captain. " The railroad
passes through mountain scenery of exceptional" &c, &c. Bradshaw
and Murray, not to mention Baedeker and Black, absolutely not in
it with the Wandering Warrior. " About thirty miles from Cape

First, Play (on words) afterwards. So to work.

.1

I stop him at this point. " Couldn't we bave a song here ? "
" Why ? " asks the Simple Soldier, glaring at me, and pulling his
moustache.

"Just to lighten it up a bit," I explain. "You see 'About
thirty miles' and so forth, suggests the old song of With in a Mile of
JEdinboro' Tenon."

" Don't see it," says the Yirtuous Yeteran, stolidly.
"Well, I'll make a note of it," and I add pleasantly, as is my
way, " if it's a song, I '11 make several iiotes of it."

" Urn! " growls the Severe Soldier, and once again I defeat him in
an attempt at surprising my outpost, i.e., my tumbler of cool drink.
He apologises gruffly but politely, and then continues his reading.

On We Goes Again.
He continues to read about " distances," " so many feet above sea-
levels," il engineering skill " &c, &c, which I observe to him will
all make capital padding for a guide-book, when I am suddenly
struck by the sound of the word I had just used, viz., ' padding.'

Paddixgton.

?En'LLL ^,1 ^ " By Jove ! » 1 exclaim.

"What is it?" asks the Confused Captain, looking up from his MS.
_ " ' Padding,' " I reply—" Only add a ' ton ' to it, and that will
give it just the weight I require. Don't you see?" I ask him,
impetuously. But he merely shakes his head, and lugs at his
moustache. I explain the idea, as if it were a charade. I say, " The
whole notion is ' padding—ton.' See ? "

The Ruminating Header thinks it won't do. "Yes it will," I
urge—"it will lighten it up. Who wants statistics without
anecdote ? Now for an anecdote; and I knock one off, sur le champ,
about the engine-driver, the stoker, and several other persons, all on
the look-out for promotion, informing me of their being Paddington
men of considerable political influence at home. The Cautious
Captain accepts the anecdote, interpolates it, and after. I have called
for and imbibed another tumbler of 'my own partik,' and lighted
another cigar, the Conscientious Captain resumes his entertainment.

No Piano.

He reads on. Another drink, just to rivet my attention. Will he
take something ? No ? Then I will. His health, and song—I

take to Guide-book
writing. Grandolph's
Guides would be im-
mensely popular. I'm
sure I can do it—for
upon my word I can do
a'most anything if I
only buckle to. By the
way, 'Buckle' suggests
history. Can go in for
"making history"
when I've done this
work. Williams—not
Montagu the Magis-
trate—(good title this
for something)—but my
friend the Companion-
able Captain — is at
work; when he has done

he reads out a few des- j mean 'treatise,' or whatever he calls it—say 'lecture.' Wish we'd
criptive paragraphs for my approbation, or the contrary. When 1 i had a piano. Never will travel without one again. Mem.—Gon

nod it means that I like it; when I don't nod, he has to wait till I do.
1 generally begin nodding about the middle of the first paragraph.

"Well," says he, the other day, quite suddenly, " I'm glad you
like it all so much."

"Like all what?" I exclaimed, blowing the cigar-ash off my
pyjamas, and wondering to myself how I could have been so absorbed

and piano. I don't pretend to be a thorough musician, but as a one-
fingered player I'd give Sir Charles Halle odds and beat him.
Now then—let's see where were we. Another tumbler iced. Good.
Allez ! Captain, go ahead !

Somehow or another, after this—that is, I can only time it by the
fact of my having called for a fourth or fifth glass of iced drink,

m his reading aloud as to have let my half-smoked havannah tumble : or it may have been my half-dozenth, for time does fly so,—the
on to the floor. Captain having, I suspect, drank the greater part of the previous

"Why, all I've been reading to you for the last hour and a half," ' one whenever I didn't happen to be

looking that' way — I begin to think
I must have once more given my
assent by nodding to a lot of stuff of
which I could not have heard more than

returned the Captain, apparently somewhat annoyed; peppery chap,
the Captain,—' Curried' Captain when on board Sir Donald's boat,—
but to resume. Says the Curried Captain, still a bit annoyed,
"You passed all the paragraphs, one after the other, and whenever I

stopped to ask you how you liked it, you nodded." three pages, as, when I arouse myself

1 didn't like to hurt the gallant scribe's feelings, but the fact is from my reverie, the tumbler is empty, the
that he, as a reader, has a very soothing-syrupy tone, and, I fancy,
that in less than a quarter of an hour, judging by the moiety of my
cigar, I must have fallen fast asleep.

" That's posted, is it ? " I ask, evading further explanation.
" It is," he answers. " But I've got another lot

Captain has gone out, and so has my cigar.
Away ! Away !

" Action is the word! " said I, suddenly
jumping up; and, having seized a spade,

_ " Good ! " I interrupt him, rather abruptly I own, but, from expe- and provided myself with a large sack,
rience I say it, if I don't take myself when in the humour—' on the i which I carried across my shoulders, I set off for the diamond-
hop,' so to speak, as they said of the scarabceus in Kent—(trust me for | fields. Unrecognised by a soul, I went to work on my own account ;