Punch: Punch (101.1891)

July li, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 21

HENLEY REGATTA.

{By Mr. Pun-ck's Own Oarsman.)
Srn,—This letter is private and is not intended for publication. I particu-

A COMMON COMPLAINT.

{By a Daily Victim.)

0 Editors, who earn your daily bread

By giving us all kinds of information,
There's something that I fear ought to be said,

Which may—which will arouse your indignation ;
For you may not be happy when it's more than hinted
Your news is such that we can't read it when it's printed.

Yet I would have
you fully under-
stand
The reab reason
why I choose to

quarrel
With, what 'you
print — your
columns are not
banned
Because their con-
tents are at all
immoral
Yet if there is a

scandal, though a small

larly beg that you will note this, as on a former occasion some remarks of mine,
which were intended only for your private eye, were printed. I of course
accepted your assurance that no offence was meant, and that the oversight was

due to a person whose services had since the occur-
rence been dispensed with; but 1 look to you to
take care that it shall not happen again. Other-
wise the mutual confidence that should always
exist between an editor and his staff cannot pos-
sibly be maintained, and I shall have to transfer
my invaluable services to some other paper. The
notes and prognostications which I have laboriously
compiled with regard to the final results of the
Begatta will arrive by the next post, and will, I
flatter myself, be found to be extraordinarily ac-
curate, besides being written in that vivid and picturesque style which has made
my contributions famous throughout the civilised world.

There are one or two little matters about which I honestly desire to have your
opinion. You know perfectly weU that I was by no means anxious for the posi-
tion of aquatic reporter. In vain I pointed out to you that my experience of
the river was entirely limited to an occasional trip by steamboat from Charing
Cross to Gravesend. You said that was an amply sufficient qualification, and v amount 0.x 1T>
that no aquatic reporter who respected himself and his readers, had ever so far i 1011 sometimes soil J'our
degraded himself as to row in a boat and to place his body in any of the absurd 1 P??es mth a lon° account
positions which modern oarsmanship demands. Finding you were inexorable, \

and knowing vour ridiculously hasty temper, I consented finally to undertake Far other reasons urge me to
the arduous duties. These circumstances, however, make it essential that you reveal
should give me advice when I require it. For obvious reasons I don't much like My feelings on this matter
to ask any of the rowing men here anv questions. They are mostly in what j —to assail your
they caU hard training, which means, I fancy, a condition of high irritability, j Too common practice,
Their strokes may be long, but their tempers are, I regret to say, painfully I say why I feel
short. Besides, to be candid, I don't wish to show the least trace of ignorance, j Your daily efforts are
My position demands that I should be omniscient, and omniscient, to all j daily failure ;
outward appearance, I shaU remain.

In the first place what is a " lightship ? " As I travelled down to Henley
I read in one of the newspapers that '' practice for the Royal Begatta was
now in full swing, and that the river was dotted with lightships of every de-
scription." I remember some years ago passing a very pleasant half hour on

board of a lightship moored in the neighbourhood of Broadstairs. The rum was Qan y0U indeed in seriousness suppose—
excellent. 1 looked forward_ with a lively pleasure to repeating the experience j Xo me j tell you . naught could be absurder—
at Henley. As soon as 1 arrived, therefore, I put on my yachting cap (white, 1 Jhat anywhere at all there can be those
with a gold anchor embroidered in front), hired a boat and a small boy and . Wll0 read the noisome details of a murder,
directed him to row me immediately to one of the lightships. 1 spent at least '• qy take delight in knowin°- that in such a county
two hours on the river in company with that boy—a very impudent little i sow^e teeming .triple mother earns the Royal Bounty
ieiiow,—but owing no doubt to his stupidity, 1 tailed to iind a single vessel! TU £ „ _j

which could be fairly described as a lightship. FinaUy the boy said they had
aU been sunk in yesterday's great storm, and with that inadequate explanation
I was forced to content myself. But there is a mystery about this. Blease
explain it.

Secondly, I see placards and advertisements all over the place announcing
that "the Stewards Stand." Now this fairly beats me. "Why should the stew-
ards stand ? Thev are presumably men of a certain age, some of them must be
of a certain corpulence, and it seems to me a refinement of cruelty that these
faithful officials, of whom, I believe, the respected Mayor of Henley is one,
should be compelled to refrain from seats during the whole of the Begatta. It
may be necessary for them to set an example of true British endurance to
the crowds who attend, the Begatta, but in that case surely they ought to be
paid for the performance of their duties.

Thirdly, I have heard a good deal of talk about the Visitors' Cup. Being
anxious to test its merits, I went to one of the principal hotels here, and ordered
the waiter to bring me a quart of Visitors' Cup, and to be careful to ice it
weB. He seemed puzzled, but went away to execute my orders. After an
absence of ten minutes he returned, and informed me, with the Manager's com-
pliments, that they could not provide me with what I wanted, but that their
Champagne-cup was excellent. I gave the feBow a look, and departed.
Ferhaps this is only another example of the asinine and anserous dunder-
headedness of these crass provincials. Kindly reply, by wire, about aB the
three points I have mentioned.

Your paper by its columns
and its size confuses me,

And worse—there 's nothing
in it in the least amuses
me.

Ibsenity ! Amid the maze of words

I find it difficult to pick my way right;
This critic at the Master only girds,

That promptly hails him as the " premier playwright."
Whilst 1 don't mind confessing that I swear right roundly
At mention of a subject that 1 hate profoundly.

Then Farlianient—without the slightest doubt

Of all dull things the dullest. What could be more
Distressing than to have to read about

The coming (?) Keat, whose other name is seymotjb ?
And now that Patriots' speeches llow with milk and honey,
They 're very much less Irish, and of course less funny.

The Bye-Elections are a Bttle fun,

I laugh to note the jubilant precision
With which you teB me that a seat that's won

Exactly counts two votes on a division,
Though this is all I care for, and am bored at knowing
How pleased is Mr. Gladstone with the tide that's
flowing.s

Yet aB these many, varied forms of pain

Are trifiing, smaB and hardly worth attention.
One thing is so much worse—oh ! pray again

I have been here for a week, but have, as yet, not been fortunate enough to A^J^ori!^ " cadenza"

see any crews. Indeed, I doubt if there are any here. A good many maniacs | ^ ^nrp hl wnTKr1 i-n fm- th* T^fl™™ !

disport themselves every day in rickety things which look something like
gigantic needles, and other people have been riding along the bank, and, very
naturally, abusing them loudly for their foolhardy recklessness. But no amount
of abuse causes them to desist. I have puzzled my brains to know what it
all means, but I confess I can't make it out. I fancy I know a boat when I see
one, and of course these ridiculous affairs can't be boats.

Defeat—or Something Near It.

When a few months ago on the Thames with the oar

The 'Varsities met in a contest of strength,
7 to 2 were the odds that the Dark Blues would score
Be good enough to send me, by return, at least £100. It's a very difficult A win, which they did—by a lucky half-length :
and expensive thing to support the dignity of your paper in this town. Whiskey j And last week, when the thousands assembled at Lord's
is very dear, and a great deal goes a very short way.

Yours sincerely,

Henley-on-Thames, July 4. The Man at the Oae.

To see Cambridge win by an innings—at Cricket's
Great luck they 're astonished, as Fortune awards
The Light Blues the game—by a couple of wickets !