Punch: Punch (101.1891)

July 25, 1891.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

45

A NEW ELECTION "LAY."

Oh, young Mrs. Brand has gone down to the East!

To give the Electors a musical feast,

And save her fine treble she weapons has none ;

Yet she means with that voice that the seat shall be won.

So good at a lay, at a ballad so grand,

There never was dame like the young Mrs. Brand !

All boldly she's entered the Cambridgeshire halls,
'Mid the squires, and the parsons, the farmers, and thralls!
Said DrnrcJJr, the foeman, " My friends, on my word,
Of a stranger proceeding I never have heard.
I don't wish to be rude, but I can't understand
What you mean by this singing, oh young Mrs. Brand! "

" You need not suspect me," the lady replied ;

"I care not how flows the electoral tide,

I merely have come down to Wisbech to-day

To sing a few stanzas, trill one little lay.

I am tired of long speeches, Home-Rule I can't stand,

But I do enjoy singing "—quoth young Mrs. Brand.

So lovely her voice, so bewitching' her grace,

Such a treat—or such treating—did never take place.

While the Primrose Dames fretted, the Unionists fumed,

She merely the thread of her roundel resumed ;

And the Duncanites whispered—" 'Tis most underhand!

We must send for a songstress to match Mrs. Brand."

A change in her theme ! She has altered the bar
To Kathleen Mavourneen, and Erin-go-bragh !
Spell-bound stand the rustics; she's won the whole throng!
To the lady they've given their votes " for a song."
'"Twill be ours, will the seat—'tis the plot I have planned!
Oh, Music hath charms!"—exclaimed young Mrs. Brand.

There is mourning mid folk o* the Wire-pulling Clan ;

Agents, Managers, Chairmen, are wild to a man,

For the Cambridgeshire precedent means that their calling

Has passed to the ladies excelling in—squalling !

" Free teaching" has come, and "Free Music" 's at hand;

Which we owe to the courage of young Mrs. Brand.

i <

JUST A SONG AT TWILIGHT.

{As sung sweetly by a Public-House-Baritonc.)

SMOKED OFF!

{An Appeal from the Knife-board of a City
Omnibus.)

[The latest complaint of "the Ladies" is that ' Beauty from billiard-room or-Morning
they are being "smoked off" the tops of the Bus . „

omnibuses.! V> hat use to fume or fuss r

ttL^ui , , j , And yet, and yet indeed it is no joke!

Ihe kmle-board," sacred once to broad ; Where shall one get a smoke
„ male feet. Without annoying Shes with our che-

The Happy Garden Seat," rootSl

And being badged as "brutes " ?
If a poor fellow may not snatch a whiff

(Without the feminine sniff)
Upon the "Bus-roof," where in thun-
der's name
Shall he draw that same !
The ladies, climb, sit, suffocate, and
scoff,

Declare they are " smoked off,"
Is there no room inside ? If smoke
means Hades,
We, " to oblige the ladies,".
Have taken outside seats this many a
year,

Man's immunities of time or place? A SHILLING IN THE POUND WISE.

Ihe sweet she-creatures chase
From all old coigns of vantage harried Dear Mr. Punch,—As the School Board
man. | rate has already touched a shilling, and seems

likely to go even higher, why should not

In vain, how vain to ban

Cold, but with weeds to'cheer | 0f spurious coin.

some of our money be expended in teaching
the young idea of the lower classes how to
develop into more valuable citizens than they
seem likely to become under present condi-
tions ? To carry out this idea, I jot down a
few questions to be put to a School-Board
scholar before the granting of the customary
certificates :—

1. Describe the formation of a Regiment,
and explain its position and duties in Brigade.

2. What are the duties of a Special Con-
stable ?

3. How would you set about putting
horses into a fire-engine ?

4. Describe the process of resuscitating
a person apparently dnrwned. How would
you revive a person rendered insensible by
(1) cold, (2) by sunstroke.

5. Give simple remedies to be applied at
once in case of bites by a mad dog, acci-
dental poisoning by arsenic, and swallowing

Invaded now by the non-smoking sex,

Virginal scruples vex,
And matronly anathemas assail.

Alas! and what avail

Our macintosh-enswathed umbrella'd
bodies ;

Now we are called churl-noddies
Because we puff the humble briar-
root.

Is man indeed a " brute "
Because he may upon the knife-board's
rack owe
Some solace to Tobacco ?
If so it be, then man's last, only chance,

Is in the full advance
Of the "emancipated" sex. Sweet
elves,

Pray learn to smoke yourselves !
Don't crowd us out, don't snub, and sneer,
and sniff,
But—j oin us in a whiff !

6. How would you set, (1) a leg, (2) an
arm, (3) a broken finger ? If a man is run
over by a Hansom, what should you do ?
Describe an excellent substitute for a litter,
when you can obtain nothing better.

7. State shortly what you consider your
duty would be, (1) were the country invaded,

(2) were London in the hands of the mob,

(3) were your neighbourhood visited by fire,
and decimated by the plague.

There, Mr. Punch, if every School-Board
scholar could supply satisfactory answers to
the above questions, I would not grudge my
shilling in the pound—nay, possibly look
with equanimity on eighteenpence !—Yours,
cordially, qxe wh0 is School-bored.