Punch: Punch (101.1891)

72

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[August 8, 1891.

"Whilst Speaker was narrating circumstances on which he had based
charge against him of frivolous and vexatious conduct, Member for
Boston was bouncing about on seat like parched pea, shouting out,
"Oh! oh!" "Ah! ah!" "No you don't!" and off ering' other
pertinent but fragmentary remarks.

"Reminds me," said Member for Sark, "of the scene in the
Yarden household, when Miss Miggs returns expecting to be re-
instated in her old place of predominance, near the person of Dolly's
mother. You remember how, when she finds the game is up, she
turns rusty, and betrays her mistress's ability to ' faint away stone
dead whenever she had the inclinations so to do?' 'Of course,'
3Iiss Miggs continues, ' I never see sich cases with my own eyes.
Ho, no ! He, he, he ! Nor master neither! Ho, no ! He, he, he!' "

So Atkixsox kept up a running commentary on observations of
successive Members, including Squire of Malwood and Jokim.

weather. Been a long Session, and a weary one. Only sense of
duty to our Queex and Country kept us here unto this last.

"And now I'm off," said Sage of Queex Axxe's Gate. "I
don't know how you '11 get on without me, dear boys."

"We'll try, we'll try," murmured the Conservatives gathered in
the smoke-room for the last cigarette.

"You see," the Sage continued, " some lives are valuable to the
country, and must be cared for, whatever violence is done to private
feeling. For my part, I would much rather be here, but Rusteii
Hoose. He-who-is-to-be-Obeyed, has ordered me to Marienbad, and
I go. But,' like Atkixsox and another ancient Roman (of whom you
may have read in school-books), ' I return.' In the meanwhile, take
care of Mr. G. Don't let him overwork himself, or ruthlessly
endanger his health. It is precious to all of us, more especially to
some of his colleagues on the Front Bench. I often think of what

Jokij[ at one time, startled by " Oh ! oh! " sounding in his right ear j will happen when he retires from the scene. I fancy there will be

1 a kind of Suttee. There are quite a lot of old wives in his political
establishment, who cannot resist, what must, indeed, be their
natural inclination, the call to immolate themselves on the funeral

pyre. There's -, and -, and -■ -." (Wild

horses couldn't drag these names from me. Anyone interested
should write to the Sage, Poste Bestante Marienbad.) "They
could not think of lingering on the political scene after the retire-
ment of the head of the family. I shall certainly attend the Suttee.
It will be an interesting and ennobling spectacle. It will, moreover,
make some room on the newly constructed Treasury Bench."

Business done. — Sage goes off by the Club train. The two
mumed-up figures seen in the background of the station are
emissaries of Akers-Douglas charged with the mission of ascertain-
ing whether he 's really gone.

Saturday.—House sitting to-day. Should have prorogued yesterday
at latest; but, somehow

as he was making very ordinary observation, nearly fell over the
folded hands he was nervously rubbing. Situation growing em-
barrassing. Atkinson" popping up with ever-increasing vivacity; his
"Oh! oh's!" and his "No! no's!" growing in frequency and
stormy intensity. Must be got rid of somehow; but supposing he
won't go? Must Jokim and the Squire, as Mover and Seconder
of Motion for expulsion, lead him bodily forth ? or would the Sergeant-
at-Arms be called on, and should we see revival of the old game,
when Bradlaugh and dear old friend Gosset used to perform a pas
de deux between the gaping doorway and the astonished Mace ?
Happily Atkixsox (still like Miss Miggs, as Sark insists) suddenly
collapsed.

"It is usual," observed the Speaker, "at this point for an Hon.
Member to withdraw."

"Oh! Oh!" said Atkixsox, withdraw? Then I withdraw.
But," and here he dropped his voice to impressive whisper, "Iwill
come back.'" Then, gathering up his papers, he tripped lightly forth,
and the Yarden household—I mean the House of Commons, dropped
once more into commonplace.

Business done.—Atkixsox expelled for a week.

Tuesday.—Squire of Malwood dropped into poetry, and was
much pleased with 'little exercise. Backed up Jokiac in Motion
suspending Twelve o'Clock rule, so as to sit to all hours of the night,
and wind up business of Session. " We may," he observed, "apply,
with a little variation, the late Mr. Moore's verse:—■
" The best of all Tvays to shorten our clays
Is to steal a few hours from the night."

"That doesn't scan," said Childers, who is nothing if not critical.

"Of course it doesn't," said
the Squire, testily; " there are
a pair of feet left out. But you
know, Tory, how they run. The
last line should be, ' Is to steal a
few hours from the night, my
Love.' Now, theoretically, and
in accordance with order, all our
observations are directed per-
sonally to the Speaker. Imagine
what would have been said if I
had completed the quotation!
I should have been accused of
frivolity, and perhaps suspended,
like Atkixsox. No, Sir, I know
what I'm about, even when

drifting on ; Members,
for their part, drifting
off; affairs reached low-
est level; business prac-
tically wound up ; but
House must needs sit
another week in order
that Appropriation Bill
may be got through aU
its stages, and so the
Constitution saved.

Looking round the dull
and deadly scene, dis-
cover Waddy, Q.C.,
with legs engagingly
intertwined, and the
forefinger that has
wagged a verdict out of
many juries resting on
his massive brow. '' Got
a headache?" I asked,
that being the most
natural thing under the
circumstances. An '

"No, I've got an idea. I'll pair' go off for my weil-earned
holiday, leaving others to look after the Appropriation Bill."

"So will I," I said, suddenly caught and borne away by that
enthusiasm which has so often influenced amount of damages in

nnA-H-nff Twptrv " ' HlJ mt'' . :/f//>±!.. '■])>>* breach of promise cases. Business done. — Practically finished.

Mention this to illustrate the
state of terrorism existing in
House just now, after blow that
fell on Atkixsox. Only man
who prattles on unconscious of
impending doom is Moetox.
Alphkus Cleophas not at all
satisfied with condition of
affairs. Atkixsox has stolen
march on him; left him nowhere.
Determined to-iiiirht to pull up
lost way. In Committee on Notmng of not mticaL

Irish Votes moved to reduce charge for Dublin Police by £1000;
proposed to show at some length charge is excessive. Committee
thought Irish Members might be left to look after that for them-
selves. Howled at Alpheus continuously for space of ten minutes;
then he sat down, moving reduction in dumb show.

Pity Prince of Naples hadn't chosen this time for visit; would
have given him much livelier impression of the place than he gained
when he sat in Gallery just after Questions, listening to Clark
discoursing about Scotch Crofters to audience of nineteen, including
Speaker. Business done.—Committee of Supply.

Wednesday.- House rapidly thinning; Akers-Douglas has hard
work to keep his men together; failing oil' like loaves in wintry

Toby, M.P., pairs for remaining days of Session.

AULD-(ER)-MAN GBAY.

(Tlie Song of a Coming Celebrity.)

[Alderman Gray is to be the next Lord Mayor, unopposed, on retirement

of Alderman Evaxs.]

Witex Savory has ruled a twelvemonths to a day,

Guid Evaxs he '11 withdraw to give place to lucky Gray ;

To Auld-(er)-nian Gray, who shaU rule in the Ci-tee,

Gray was clearly born to be great—and I am he !

I gang like a host, though 'tis airly to begin ;

I try not to be prood, for that wad be a sin,

But I will do my best a guid Lord Mayor to be.

For Auld-(er)-man Gray will soon rule in the Ci-tcc !

Answers to Correspoxpexts.—Legal Fiction.—The Lord Chief
Justice was certainly a little severe in his remarks on Stock Exchange
morality, and it is natural that you should feel hurt at the ignorant
criticism of a mere outsider. As you remark, there can be no ques-
tion but that the Stock Exchange affords the highest example in this
country of a school of honour and virtue. What is called "Legal
fnteHigBnte " is often very defective.

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