Punch: Punch (101.1891)

84

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [August 15, 1891.

out of my spring-pea rifle managed to crack the parchment-like skin
which covers his drum, and at the same time broken one of his sticks.
Then he fell. Carried him home on my back. What larks! Killed
f our-and-twenty blackbirds at one shot as they were all sitting in a
row on a rail. They were so frightened of me, it made 'em quail.'.'
Wonderful transformation, wasn't it P But fact, all the same.
Four-and-twcnty quail All on a rail. Killed eighty "Koran,"
a Mahomcdan bird, very scarce, and therefore bring in a con-
siderable Mahomet, or, (ahem) profit? See? Shot a" Tittup"—
so called on account of its peculiar action after drinking; also
three early German Beerbirds, or, as the Dutchmen call them,
" Spring-boks." There is another origin for this name, which is
also likely, and that is that they don't appear when there 's an
early spring, but when the spring is rather backward then they
come forward. Whichever you like, my little dear, you pays your
money, &c., &c. After all these exciting adventures—"The game
is cook'd, and now we'll go to dinner!"—quotation from early
Dramatist, by Yours ever,

WOBTH NOTICING.

0 poor Mr. Atkinson, victim of fate,

Who bowed when you ought to have lifted your hat,
When the Session is over it's far—far too late,

To give notice of this and give notice of that.
Your attempts to be funny are amazing to see,

It's a dangerous venture to pose as a wit.
Though the voters of Boston may love their M.P.,

It may end in their giving you notice—to quit!

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

Short Papers in Magazines.—"A starry night Is the shepherd's
delight." and as this sort of night is to the pastor, so are short
stories in Monthly Magazines to the Baron. Moreover, his recom-
mendation of them is, as he knows from numerous grateful Corre-
spondents, "a boon and a
blessing " to such as follow
his lead. He owns to a
partiality for the weird,
and if he can come across
a brief "curdlcr," he at
once singles it out for the
delectation of those whose
taste is in the same direc-
tion. But no curdler has
he come across for some
considerable time ; but for
short essays and tales to be
read by ladies in some
quiet half - hour before
toiletting or untoiletting,
or by the weaker sex in
the smoking - room, the
Baron begs to commend
" Thackeray's Portraits
of Himself," as interesting
to Thackerayans, and "A
Maiden Speech," in Mur-
ray, for August, the latter
being rather too sketchy, though in its sketchiness artistic, as, like
Sam Weller's love-letter, it makes you '' wish as there was more of it."

Commended also by the Baron are " The Story of a Yiolin," by
Ernest Dowson, and " Heera Nund," by F. A. Steel, in Mac-
millan. If " A First Family of Tasajara" is continued as well
as it is commenced in the same above-mentioned Mac-azine, it will
be about as good a talc as Beet IIarte has ever written, and that is
saying a good deal, mind you.

liiiinished Stories—that is, Stories finished in style, yet, as
another contradiction in terms, short stories without any end, are
rather the vogue nowadays in Magazines. Let me recommend as
specimens " Francesca's Revenge" in Blackwood, and "Disillu-
sioned " in London, Society.
Don't tell the Baron that these hints are unappreciated. He

MISS DECIMA-HELYETT-SMITHSON-JACKSON.

One or two of the especially well-informed dramatic critics who, of
course, had seen the original piece Miss Helyett in Paris, asked why
the English adapter had taken the trouble to invent nine sisters for the
heroine ; the nine sisters never being seen and having nothing what-
ever to do with the plot. Here the well-
informed ones were to a certain extent
wrong. In the original French piece,
Miss Helyett,—whose name, as is sug-
gested by Woman, is evidently a French
rendering for "Miss Elliot," which M.
Boecheron "concluded was her Christian
name "— speaking of herself, says to her
father, " Vous savez bien, mon pere, que
vous ?i'avez pas de plus grancle admira-
trice que votre onzieme enfa?it." And the
Reverend Smithson tells her, a little
later, " J'ai case toutes tes sceurs tres

jeunes-"and"Je ne devrais pourtant

pas avoir de peine d trouver un onzieme
gendre."

That is why he is travelling to get an
"onzieme gendre" for his ''onzieme
enfant." The English adapter relieved
Mr. Smithson of one of his family, and
so Miss Helyett Smithson became Miss
Decima Jackson, i.e., the tenth, instead
of the eleventh, of the worthy pastor's
family. The fact that all her sisters are
married, makes single unblessedness a
reproach to her. No sort of purpose would
have been served by such a wholesale
massacre of innocents as the extinction of
all Pastor Smithson''s, alias Jackson's,
ten '' pretty chicks at one f eU swoop." ' 0h[ Ao(ikmS ■ ■

Miss Nesvllle, the foreign representative of Miss Decima at the
Criterion, is uncommonly childlike and bland ; moreover, she sings
charmingly; while of Mr. David James as the pastor Jackson it
may be said, " Sure such a pere was never seen ! " The Irishman,
Mr. Chaencey Olcott, has a mighty purty voice, and gains a hearty
encore for a ditty of which the music is not particularly striking.
Mr. Percy Reeve has written words which go glibly to Atjdran's
music, and fit the situations. The piece is capitally played and
sung all round; and marvellous is Miss Yictor as the_ Spanish
mother. The mise-en-scene is far better here than it is in Paris,
where this "musical-comedy" is still an attraction.

HOW TO BE POPULAR,

{Advice to an Aspirant.)

Dear Sir, if you long for the love of a nation.
If you wish to be feted, applauded, caressed;

If you hope for receptions, and want an ovation.

By the populace cheered, by Town Councils addressed;

I can give you succinctly a certain receipt—

Be detected at once and denounced as a cheat.

It's as easy as lying; you eat all your cake, Sir,

And you have'it as well, which was never a sin,
By adding a trifiing amount to your stake, Sir,

'When the points of the cards show you 're certain to win.
You '11 be slapped on the back by the " man in the street,"
Who delights to sing pseans in praise of a cheat.

They take the poor thief or the forger to jail, oh,
AYhere he cleans out his cell and picks oakum all day ,

You pose as a martyr and get a cheap halo
Ready-made by the public, with nothing to pay.

Believe me, dear Sir, there is nothing can beat

For triumph and joy the career of a cheat.

Exit La Claque.—" A partir d'apres demain samedi" says the
Figaro for August 6:—" M. Lemonniee, le Directeur cVcte et
Vautewr de Madame la Marechale'supprime le service de la claque d
'Amhigu." When Madame la Marechale has finished her run,
will the claque be re-admitted to start a new piece ? This is snub-
bing your friends in a time of prosperity. If the claque has the
knows better. He can produce letters imploring him to road and courage of its opinions—but stay, can a claque have any opinions ?

notice, letters asking him what to read, and letters complaining that

No: it must follow its leader ; and its leader obeys order;-. If over

his advice is not more frequently given. Aware of this respon- any set of men came into a theatre "with orders," the claque is that
sibility, lie never recommends what he has not himself read, or , set. Poor claque.' Summoned in adversity, banished iu prosperity,
what some trusted partner in the Firm of Baron de Book-Worms ! why not do away with it altogether, and trust to public expression
& Co. has not read for him. Vrrb. sap. Baron de Book-Worms. 1 of opinion for applause ?

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