Punch: Punch (101.1891)

August 22, 1891.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

TWO EMPERORS;

Or, the Christian Czar and The, Heathen Chinee.

[A decree issued by the Emperor of China (in
connection with the recent anti-foreign agitation
in that country) points out that the relations be-
tween the Chinese and the foreign missionaries have
been those of peace and goodwill, and that the
Christians are protected by treaty and by Imperial
edicts, and commands the Governors and Lieu-
tenant-Governors to protect the Christians and
put down the leaders in the riots.]

Many -writers remark,—3

And their language is plain,
That for cruelty dark,

And for jealousy vain,
The Heathen Chinee is peculiar,—

In future perhaps they '11 refrain.

Ah-Sin has his faults,

Which one cannot deny ;
And some recent assaults

On the mis-sion-a-ry,
Have been -worthy of—say Christian Russia,

"When dealing with small Hebrew fry.

But the Emperor seems stirred

Persecution to bar,
Which it might be inferred

That I mean the White Czar ;
But I don't. On the Muscovite Cesar

Such charity clearly would jar.

He's always the same,

And he '11 not stay his hand;
The poor Jews are fair game

In a great "Christian" Land ;
But the Lord of the Pencil Vermilion

Rebukes his fanatical band.

A Heathen—of course!—

(Whilst the Czar is a Saint)
But a sign of remorse

At the Christian's complaint
May be seen in the edict he's issued,

CONFIDENCES OF A MATURE SIREN.

I admit I'm not as Handsome as I used to be : but I'm Twice as Dangerous !

Which might make a great Autocrat faint. Even ™th your house {n or<jer

A Christian, 'tis true, THE UNHYGIENIC HOUSEHOLDER.

To a Heathen Chinee
Is as bad as a Jew

Must undoubtedly be
To an orthodox Christian of Russdom,
Too " pious" for mere Char-i-tee.

So one Emperor stones

His poor Israelites,
Whilst the other one owns

Even Christians have " rights,"
And, although they 're (of course) " foreign
devils,"

Their peace with good-will he requites.
Which is why, I maintain

After reading the Reports of the Congress.

Tell me not in many a column,

I must pull up all my drains ;
Or with faces long and solemn,

Threaten me with aches and pains.
Let me end this wintry summer,

'Mid the rain as best I may,
Without calling in the plumber,

Eor he always comes to stay.

appreciate the
Prince's
Shrewd remarks

QUEER QUERIES.—Hymeneal.—I have
been asked to attend the wedding of a friend,
and respond to the toast of "The Ladies."
Of his Or-tho-dox-y, ^i^^^g7 ^ ljf8| evinces i I have never done such a thing before, and

(And my language is free) about our lot;

That the Czar, though he's vain ajfaa. But the horror he

If you go to take the air,
So to speak, outside your border,
Lo ! the merry germs are there.

Doctors vow, in tones despotic,

I must dig 'neath basement floors,
Lest diseases called zymotic

Enter in at all my pores.
Parkes, of sanitation master,

Wanted " purity and light ; "
I'm content to risk disaster,

With unhygienic night.

Might learn from his Emperor cousin, /illlk 1 Mr ^ our dangers, ' feej- rather nervous about it. My friend

Though he's only a Heathen Chinee ! Illllli fillfc frights me not. says that I must "try and be very comic."

Science in expostu- I have thought of one humorous remark—
lation, about the '' weaker sex " being really stronger

News of "Our Henry" {communicated fV';'^W\ ill \ ■ Shows our rules i —which I fancy will be effective, but I can't

by Mr. J. L. T-le).—To our interviewer the \\\ \ of health are 1 think of another. Would one good joke of

eminent actor replied, " Yes, suffering from / LT Vj> ' Jf*? - wrong; { that sort be sufficient ? A propos of the lady

bad sore throat, but may talk, as it's hoarse L^^L=~^^^' But in days when 1 marksman at Bisley, I should like to advise

exercise which has been recommended. A ; " sanitation
stirrup-cup at parting ? By all means. My Was unknown, men lived as long

cob is an excellent trotter, so I pledge you,

with a bumper well-in-hand. Good-day! " j If the air with microbes thickens,

And so saying, he gaily waved his plumed Tike some mirk malefic mist,

hat, and rode away. Tell me prithee how the dickens

--- We can manage to exist.

r> . „„ T ~ llrm Erom the poison breathed each minute,

IvATHER A LARGE OkDER."— The Man atb ■rtiia lnni\ otitaItt Hiprl •

Man ere this had surelv died :
p™ "l °i n ETmJ, inferred on When we see the fell things in it,
Prudent Caritot by the W of Den- On the microscopic slide

mark. I his should include an Order

Not Quite Polite.—The Manager of the
Shaftesbury Theatre advertises " three distinct
plays at 815, 915, and 10." Distinct, but
not quite clear. Anyhow, isn't it rather a slur
on other Theatres where it implies the plays,

lusk-any. Lest the deadly typhoid stay. I whether at 8-15, 915, or 10, are "indistinct."

tor the Grand Trunk, in which to carrv '•■ I'm aware we're oft caught napping,
it about. I he proper person to receive this And the scientist can say,

Order is evidently the Grand Duke of That our yawning drains want trapping,

all ladies to "try the Butts," only I am
afraid this might be taken for a reference to
the President of the Divorce Division. How
could I work the Jackson case in neatly ?
Would it be aUowable to pin my speech on
the wedding-cake, and read it oft' ? Also,
could I wear a mask ? Any hints would be
welcomed by—Best Man.