Punch: Punch (101.1891)

108 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [August 29, 1891.

SEASIDE ASIDES.

{Paterfamilias in North Cornwall.)

Oh ! how delightful now at last to come
Away from town—its dirt, its degradation,

Its never-ending- whirl, its ceaseless hum.
(A long chalks better, though, than sheer
stagnation.)

For what could mortal man or maid want more
Than breezy downs to stroll on, rocks to
climb up,

"Weird labyrinthine caverns to explore ?
(There's nothing else to do to nil the time
up.)

Your honest face here earns an honest brown.
Yon ramble on for miles 'mid gorse and
heather,

Sheep hold athletic sports upon the down
(Which makes the mutton taste as tough as
leather).

The place is guiltless, too, of horrid piers,
And likewise is not Christy-Minstrel tooney;

No soul-distressing; strains disturb your ears.
(A German band has just played " Annie
Rootlet/.")

The eggs as fresh as paint, the Cornish cream
The boys from school all say is 1' simply
ripping," f

The butter, so the girls declare, a dream."
(The only baccy you can buy quite dripping.)

A happiness of resting after strife,
Where one forgets all worldly pain and
sorrow,

And one contentedly could pass one's life.
(A telegram will take me home to-morrow.)

Canine Sagacity.—Numerous instances
of this have been quoted in the Spec-
tator and other
papers. Our Toby
would like to be in-
formed how one clever
dog would communi-
cate with another
^(^1 clever dog, if the
former were in a
h^r great hurry ? The
reply from a great
authority in the K 9
Division, signing
himself " Dos-
berry," is that " the
clever dog would
either tailegraph or tailephone; but that,
anyhow, in the strictest confidence, he would
tell his own tail."

THE MANNERS OF OUR CHILDREN!

{Fragment from a Tragic Farce, suggested by a
Correspondence in a Daily Paper.)

Scene— The Sanctum of Paterfamilias.
Enter to him Jacky, his eldest born.

Pater, {cordially). How are you, old chap?

Jacky. Very well, thank you, Father. And
will you forgive me—is not "chap" a trine
slangy ?

Pater, {astonished). Eh ! what ?

Jacky. You were good enough to write to
my Form Master after the Easter Vacation,
complaining of my style. Consequently that
worthy pedagogue has given more than usual
attention to that part of my education.

Pater. Well, now you are home for the
holidays ! As for your Form Master—hang
him and all his works !

Jacky. Are you quite sure that you are
quoting correctly ? To the best of my belief
the line goes, "hang him with his pen and
ink-horn."

Pater. Eh ! what ? I don't understand you.

Jacky. Why, my dear Father, I naturally

concluded that you were quoting from the
Immortal Bard. You will find the passage in
The Second Part of King Henry the Sixth,
Act IV., Scene 2.

Pater. What are you talking about ?
Jacky. Why your misquotation. And will
you forgive me—but do you not think it would
sound better if you were to ask me—" about
what I was talking " ? I might add that my

Form Master and I-

Pater. Your "Form Master and you."

Rot and bosh ! I should say-

Jacky {with a twitch of pain). Oh, my dear
Father, more slang, more slang !

Pater, {getting eery red). And what if there
is ? What's that to you ? You don't pay for
my education, do you ?

Jacky {quickly). No. If I did, I could not
declare that I was satisfied with your progress !
Pater, {indignantly). You. little prig, I

Jacky {calmly interrupting). Pray do not
excite yourself. I am only doing my duty.
I am merely attempting to instruct those less
polished than myself. Surely I may regard
such an action with satisfaction ?

Pater, {furious). You shall go back to
school at once !

Jacky. I am afraid that that is scarcely
practicable. If you will refer to the slip that
accompanied my school-bill, you will notice
that the Vacation does not cease until the
20th of September.

Pater. And a nice school-bill! Why they
charged everything as an extra !

Jacky. Surely such a matter is scarcely
within my province ? According to statute,
my dear Father, you are bound to provide for
me until (if my memory does not betray me)
I reach the age of sixteen. As I am now five
years younger than that limit, it is clearly
your duty to support me.

Pater. Why, Sir, you are insupportable !

Jacky {smiling). I see—a joke—very good !
But, my dear Sir, do you think itquite dignified
to make so small a jest in my presence ? It is
calculated to lessen my respect for you.

Pater. Well I never!

Jacky. Never what ? You have not com-
pleted the sentence.

Pater. Sir, you are an insolent young puppy!

Jacky. I am forced to contradict you—in
justice to yourself. You cannot be willing to
let me regard yon as a dog?

Pater, {after a pause). Well, the sooner you
get back to the school the better.

Jacky {promptly). I have no doubt you are
right, my dear Father; and, as I take a sincere
interest in your welfare, I would respectfully
suggest that you should accompany me. It
must be patent to us both that you are lacking
in polish.

Pater, {losing his patience). You young
cub ! I will give you the soundest thrashing
you ever had in your life '

Materfamilias {interposing). Oh, you cruel
man ! What has the poor child done ?

Jacky {with ready tact). Nothing, dearest
Mamma, except to take after his kind, clever
and accomplished Mother!

\_Scene closes in upon a family group not
entirely free from domestic complications.

THE SURREY ABC.

A is for Abet, who can certainly block well;
B stands for Bowley, and Beal~\tont, and

Brockwell ;

C is the Captain, John Shtter his name ;

D is the Devotion he gives to the game ;

E is the Ele-
ven, deser-
vedly great ;

F is the ""Funk
which their
bowlers cre-
ate.

G stands for
George—
our on ly
George
Lohhann;

H for young Henderson, valiant young
foeman.

I is the Innings, beloved of the gapers ;
J is the Jargon they put in the papers.
K is for Key, the accomplished Dark Blue;
L is for Lockwood, who bowls a bit too;
M is for Maerice, his other name Read ;
N poor old Nottingham, beaten indeed.
0 is the Oval, the home of the crowd ;
P the Pavilion, the seat of the proud.
Q, is the Question, "Oh, Umpire, how's that?"
R is for Gentleman Read, who can bat.
S stands for Sharpe, it will pay you to
mind him;

T is the Trouble they were put to to find him;

U their United attempts—hard, to beat them;

A' the Vain efforts oft made to defeat them.

W represents Wood at the wicket;

X is the Xcellent style of their cricket.

Y ends the county, not played out in a hurry.

Z stands for Zero, a stranger to Surrey !

A Genuine Regret.—The French Admi-
s! alderman ral had one regret
sour- , in leaving Albion's
hospitable shores,
and that is that he
didn't go up to
London and get a
taste of a real City
Savory at a Munch-
ing House banquet.
He wouldn't have
found The Albion
"perfidious " in the
matter of "turtle
and fine Hving,"—■
which was Mrs. R.'s description of the Pha-
risee. Their French leave is up, and they 're
on sail or return.

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