Punch: Punch (101.1891)

September 12, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 123

"Ho! ho ! ho ! " chortled the North Wind, chokingly.
" Who says 1 do all the damage ? "

" He ! he ! he ! " sniggered the East Wind, raspingly.
" Who is the pickle and spoil-sport now, I should like to
know ? "

"Shut up!" said the Mother of the Winds, sharply.
" And as to you two," she added, turning to the South
and West Winds, "if you don't stand still and give an
account of yourselves, I '11 pop you into your respective
Bags in the twinkling of a hundred-ton gun ! "

"Why, who is she, that she should call us over the
clouds?" cried the two Winds, stopping their blowing
a bit, and pointing to the Princess.

" She is my guest," said the old woman ; " and if that
does not satisfy you, you need only get into the Bags. Do
you understand me now ? "

Well, this did the business at once ; and the two Winds,
in a breath, began to relate whence they came, and what
they had been doing for nearly three months past.

"We have been spoiling the English Summer," they
said.

"That's nothing new," muttered the Mother of the
Winds.

"Isn't it, though—in the way we've done it?" cried
the two, triumphantlv. "Why, those two Boys over
vonder, uniting their flatulent forces, could not have done
better—or worse. Ho ! ho ! ho ! They made last winter
a frozen Sahara. We 're made the present summer a
squashy Swamp! The winter was as dry as the dust of
Rameses. The summer has been as wet as old St.
Swithin's gingham. We soaked June, we drenched
July, and we drowned August. We squelched the
strawberry season, reducing tons of promising fruit to
flavourless pulp, and the growers to damp despair.
Whooosh ! ! What a wetting we gave 'em ! ! ! As soon
as the Cricket Season started, so did we ! Didn't we just ?
We simply sopped all the wickets, and spoilt all the
matches, either keeping the cricketers waiting in the
pavilion or slipping about on sloppy slithery turf. Con-
sequently, the Cricketing Season has been a sickening
sell. We ' watered down' the ' averages' of all the
' cracks.' S. W- was too many for W. G. (Grace, of
Gloucester), and W. W. gave the other W. W. (Read, of
Surrey) a fair doing! We followed ' The Leviathan '
in particular about persistently, till he must be real glad
to ' take his hook' to Australia. Wherever he was play-
ing, from Kennington to Clifton, we combined our
forces, swooped down on him, and simply washed him
out! "

" Wanton wags ! " said the Mother of the Winds, re-
proachfully.

" lia-ther.'" yelled her promising offspring in chorus.
" But that's not all, is it, S. W. ?—is it, W. W. ? We
mucked up Lawn Tennis, soaked Henley Regatta, nearly
spoilt the G erman Emperor's visit, ruined all the alfresco
functions of the Season—slap !—Hooded Society out of
London, only to deluge them in their flitting till they
wished they were back again, intensified the Influenza
Epidemic, and-"

"Oh! stop, stop! " moaned the Old Woman. " Those
Boys yonder will burst—with jealousy. But what
have you been doing to the Princess Agricextera
here ? "

The two broke into a spasmodic duo of delight and dis-
dain. "Why look at her?" they cried. " Doesn't she
speak for herself ? "

"I do," replied Agricultera. "And I charge this
pair of Pernicious Pickles with planning—and to a large
extent effecting—my Destruction ! Hay, Hops, Cereals,
Root-Crops, Eruits and Flowers—all ruined by these
roystering rascals. They've done more incurable mis-
chief in three supposed-to-be Summer Months than those
much-maligned Boys over yonder did all the Winter.
They've had it all their own way the Season through,
ay, as much as though they'd nailed the weathercock to
S.W., and knocked out the bottom of Aquarius's water-
pot. And I caU upon you, 0 Mother of the Winds, to
pop them at once into their respective Bags, sit upon them
till they are choked silent and still, and then hang them
up to dry—if dry such watery imps can—for at least six
months to come!"

Now whether the Mother of the Winds gave ear to the

prayer of the poor Princess Agriccltura, and imposed

upon the Two Winds the punishment they richly deserved,

the sequel must show.

***»»*

SIGNS OF BREEDING.

(Vide Correspondence in the "Daily Telegraph")

Little BinJcs agrees with Lord Byron that Breeding shows itself in the Hands,
and complacently surveys his own.

" Bosh ! " says Bloker. "Breeding shows itself in the Ear, and

nowhere else ! "

MORE MESSAGES FROM THE M AH ATM A.

1. I am Koot Hoomiboog. There are more things in my philosophy than were
ever dreamed of in heaven or earth. You are Poonsh. You are a Thrupni

but you are not a Mahatma. Be a Mahatma,
and save your postage expenses. But you must
be discreet; and you must be exceeding vague.
A Mahatma is nothing if he is not vague. > You
must also be elusive. Can you elude ? It is no
light matter to prove one's spiritual capacity by
materialising a cigarette inside a grand piano._

2. Your reply to my letter is soulless and sceptical.
How can you ask me, 0 Poonsh, what I am trying
to get at ? I ask nothing from you. It would be
to your advantage rather than mine if you printed
my poem on the Re-incarnation of Ginan Bittas,
entitled The Soul's Gooseberry Bush. And if you
will only be a Mahatma, or a disciple, I will gladly
let you have the serial rights in that great work.
What do you mean by saying you do not want
to find cigarettes in your neighbour's piano ?
Think it over again, and you will see the beauty
of it. You are a Thrupni, but surely you
have some spiritual needs.

3. You say that you do not want my poem, and you ask me if I have no
further attractions to offer. I am Koot Hoomiboog, and I have kept the
greatest attraction for the last. If you will only join us, you may find a few
newspapers who will discuss you. You may see the question whether you are a
fool or a knave debated in the correspondence columns. Think of the glory of it.

4. What ? you won't ? Well, I am surprised!

The (European) World and its Wife. — Europe — says an oracle —is
" Wedded to Peace." Possibly. And Europe, doubtless, does not exactly desire
a divorce. But Europe has to pay pretty heavily—in armies and fleets, &c—
for Peace's " maintenance."