Punch: Punch (101.1891)

126 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [September 12, 1891.

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CRICKETANA. YOUNG LADIES V. BOYS.

Fair Batter (astat. 18). "Now, just look here, Algy Jones—none of your Patronage ! You dare to Bowl to me with your

Left Hand again, and I'll Box your Ears ! "

" NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH."

A Scene very freely adapted from " The Critic."

Enter Mr. Punch, First Commissioner of
Police, Inspector, and Constables.

Commissioner. Oh! very valiant Con-
stables : one is the Inspector himself, the
others are ordinary P. C.'s. And now I hope
you shall hear some better language. I was
obliged to be plain and intelligible in my
manifesto, because there was so much matter-
of-fact ground for remonstrance, and even
chiding ; but still, 'i faith, I am proud of my
men, who, in point of fact, are fine fellows.

Mr. P. Unquestionably! But let us
listen—unobserved, if so it may be.

Inspector. How's this, my lads! What cools
your usual zeal,
And makes your helmed valour down i' the mouth ?
Why dimly glimmers that heroic flame
Whose reddening blaze, by civic spirit fed,
Should be the beacon of a happy 1 own }
Can the smart patter of a Bobby's tongue
Thus stagnate in a cold and prosy converse,
Or freeze in oathless inarticulateness ?
No ! Let not the full fountain of your valour
Be choked by mere official wiggings, or
Your prompt consensus of prodigious swearing
Be checked by the philanthropists' foaming wrath,
Or high officialdom's hostility !

Mr. P. There it is, Mr. Commissioner ; they
admit your by no means soft impeachment.
Commissioner. Nay, listen yet awhile!

1st P. C. No more! —the freshening breeze of
your rebuke
Hath filled the flapping canvas of our souls !
And thus, though magistrates expostulate,

[All take hands and raise their truncheons.
And hint that Ananias dressed in blue,
We '11 grapple with the thing called Evidence,
And if we fall, by Heaven ! we '11 fall together !

Inspector. There spoke Policedom's genius !
Then, are we all resolved ?
All. We are—all resolved.
Inspector. To pull—and swear—together ?
All. To pull—-and swear—together.
Inspector. All ?
All. All!

Mr. P. Nem. con. Egad!

Commissioner. Oh, yes! When they do
agree in the Force, their unanimity is won-
derful !

Inspector. Then let's embrace this resolution,

and " Keep it with a constant mind—and now-"

[Kneeh.

Mr. P. What the plague, is he going to
pray P

Co?)imissioner. Yes — hush ! In great
emergencies—on the Stage or in the Force—
there 's nothing like a prayer in chorus.

Inspector. " 0 Mendez Pinto! "

Mr, P. But why should he pray to Mendez
Pinto?

Commissioner. Oh, "the Knight, Pinto-
Mendez Ferdinando," as Poe calls him, is the
tutelary genius of Bards — and Bobbies !
Hush!

Inspector. If in thy homage bred
Each point of discipline I've still observed ;
Swearing in squads, affirming in platoons ;
Nor but by due promotion, and the right
Of service to the rank P. C. Inspector,
Have risen ; assist thy votary now !

1st P. C. Yet do not rise—hear me ! [Kneels.

2nd P. C. And me ! 'Kneels.

3rd P C. And me ! [Kneels.

Inspector. Now swear—and pray—all together!

All. We swear ! ! !
Behold thy votaries submissive beg
That thou wilt deign to grant them all they ask,
Assist them to accomplish all their ends,
And sanctify whatever means they use
To gain them

Mr. P. A very orthodox and harmonious
chorus. Their " tvtti" is perfection.

Commissioner. Vastly well, is't not ? Is
that well managed or not ? Is the '' thin
Blue line "well disciplined or not? Have
you such absolute perfection of '' alltogether-
ishness" on your lyric stage as the Force
voluntarily maintains—in its own interests,
and obedient to its own peculiar esprit de
corps f

Mr. P. {with significance). Not exactly!

MANY HAPPY UETURNS!

(Punch to Madame La Republique.)

["The Republic attains its majority to-morrow
(Sept. 4). It is the first Government since the
Revolution which has had a twenty-first birth-
day."— The Times.']

Dear Madam, " Perfidious Albion" proffers
The best birthday wishes good feeling can
shape!

A snap of the lingers for cynical scoffers !

A fig for the framers of venomous jape.
May Peace and Goodwill be your lasting pos-
session,

Your proud "Valour" tempered by "years
of discretion! "

Htgeia off the Scent.—It is stated that
even the charms of a champagne luncheon
failed to attract more than one out of twenty-
four members of the Hygienic Congress in-
vited to test the merits of sewage-farms by
ocular—or should we say nasal f—demonstra-
tion. Perhaps the missing three-and-twenty
thought that in this case, at least, Mrs. Mala-
prop would be both correct and pertinent in
saying that " Comparisons are odorous J "