Punch: Punch (101.1891)

September 19, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

137

a kind of top-heavy and overwhelming good-nature about him. He
honestly means to he kind and genial where he only succeeds in
irritating his perverse acquaintances. "Was Belmer always thus ?
"When he be?an on his small salary, did he patronise the ofhce-boy ?
WTien he had learnt to spell, did he devote his first epistolary efforts
to the pompous patronage of his parents ? I fancy I can hear him
declaring to his tottering father that a man so blessed in his son
might well console himself for many a grievous disappointment, and
the old man I am sure meekly accepted his son's assurance, and
joined with his wife in thanking providence for granting them so
great a happiness. But Belmer has different fashions of showing
nis superiority. I will do him the credit of saying that I do not
believe him to be a Snob. He does not prostrate himself before the
great, since he believes himself to be greater than they can ever be.
But he knows that ordinary human nature is apt to be impressed by
the appearance of intimate familiarity with persons of title. And
Bexmee therefore uses the Peers of his circle as instruments where-
with he may belabour the minds of his humbler friends.

" The Marquis of Cheddar," he will say, in a tone of grandeur,
" did me the honour to consult me about his furniture to-day, and 1
told him what I thought. The fact is her Ladyship has no taste, and
the Marquis has less, but I arranged it all for them."

And I am certain that Belmer spoke the truth, but I am equallv
certain that it was unnecessary for him to mention the subject at all.
Yet little Kenkes, I know, went away persuaded that the aristo-
cracy trembled at Belmer's nod, and that to know him was a privi-
lege. Unfortunately Bexmer, with all his good-nature, wearies me,
I know I am not worthy to tie his shoe-string, but I am disposed to
imitate Montrond, who, when he was told that he cheated at cards,
replied, " C'est possible, 3fonsienr, mais je n'aime pas qui1 on me le
disc," and flung his wine-glass in his accuser's face. Cease, mv dear
Pomposity, to torment me by means of Bexmer. I may address
you again, but, in the meantime,

I remain, your humble Servant,

DlOGENES RoEINSON.

A ROYAL (OLYMPIC) DIVORCE.

{A Page from French History by Mrs. Marl-ham, after W. G. Wills.)

And so, when Napoleon had won Austerlitz; he thought he would
marry Marie Loeise, Archduchess of Austria, although, as you
know, he was already wedded to Josephine, his first wife. To effect
this purpose, he sent his Minister of State, Talleyrand, and two

cp fi% comic Marshals, called
pv j$^l%estte&±l& Mxrat and Net, to see
A r.' {^^^v^^kI'1 '' tne Empress and explain
<g£^^S' '^-^^y^ '" ••' r wishes; and
t ^^^^jS^^S^S^^^^^^ this thev did with so
ijjImHH|9^^^HBB^^^|^/A mucn effect that Her
'wHBalj^L/ Majesty consented, and
fainted on the spot.
\ Whether the swoon was
- real, or in another sense
H a feint, is not known,
because she was a mis-
tress of deception. For
instance, although she
was nearly a negress in
complexion, she man-
aged, at the Palace of
Fontainebleau, to appear
in a flaxen wig, and
with all the appearance
of a blonde beauty.
Shortly after the Empe-
v; ror's marriage with his
^ new wife, that lady
)'V 'if ^V|M '^MHHMk S^.'' called upon her prede-
/V^%1X|SL W\ BBiPM^P cessor, and behaved in
\v\ / C\T\^P^tf wBMkJiir sucn a fashi°n that
/L' X_*sa^^ <^L«^ ^yRKaii^' Josephine was justified
^L. > rL TT v-iam&v in calling her "vulgar."

"« ills and Ways; or, a Hand at Nap. A Uttle late?j ^ the

assistance of a British Dramatist, called W. G. Wills (who had already
made some alterations in the History of England for the benefit of
Charles the First and Mr. Henry* Irving), she managed to protect
the baby King of Rome from a ballet mob in the Gardens of the
Tuileries, and also to afford considerable assistance to her Austrian
successor while that'' vulgar'' person was crawling up some stone steps.
Later still, she contrived to have an affecting interview on the eve of
the Battle of Waterloo with Napoleon himself, although it has been
reported in some quarters that she had become defunct a year before
the occurrence of that important victory. It was on this occasion
that the Hero of Austerlitz gave a most valuable testimonial to the
British Army, to whom he referred as "bull-dogs who never knew

when they were beaten,"/and soldiers with iron-like tenacity.
Josephine subsequently died of visions at Malmaison to the soothing
sound of soft music kindly supplied by a semi-concealed orchestra.

Conversation on a Royal (Olympic) Divorce.

Mrs. Markham. And now, dear little Frank, can you tell me
why the Battle of WTaterloo was lost ?

Frank. Because, dear Mamma, it was removed from its resting-
place in the Panorama close to Victoria Street.

Mrs. Markham. That is a most intelligent reply, but I do not
think you are quite right. I fancy the Battle must have been lost
because, out of the couple of dozen or so of French soldiers who took

Waterloo in Play ; or, the Charge of a Charger.

part in the Yictorv in Wych Street, a considerable number had to
be told off to see that Napoleon's charger behaved himself.

George. And yet, dear mother, after the performances, I myself
saw the noble steed trotting most good-naturedly in rear of a
hansom cab.

Mrs. Markham. When you are all older, I will take you myself
to examine the Model of the celebrated Battle in the Royal United
Service Institution ; in the meanwhile, you may rest satisfied with
the explanation I have afforded you.

Mary. But mother, dear, do you not think that Napoleon and
his Army may possibly have trembled at the red fire and the picture
of carnage on the painted canvas, that, on the occasion under
discussion, confronted them ?

Mrs. Markham. It is not improbable ; and now, Charles, can you
tell me anything about Napoleon ?

Charles. Yes, dearest Mamma. He was strikingly like Mr. Bolton
the excellent Member of Parliament, who represents so ably a portion
of St. Pancras, and had a curious and clever way of huggmg his
elbows when his arms were crossed behind his back.

Mrs. Markham. That was indeed the case, and I am glad to see
that you have paid so much attention to historical accuracy. And
you, Mary, what do you know about the Ladies-in-waiting upon the
Empress Josephine ?

Mary. That even in the direst straits they were fond of practical
joking. One of them, for instance, on the eve of the Battle of
Waterloo, finding a general's uniform, that for some unaccountable
reason was hanging up in an inn at Jenappes, assumed the costume,
and, thus disguised, had a great deal of fun with her husband, the
Marshal Aegereae, who was then on his way to the front, with the
avowed purpose of engaging the allied armies of England and
Prussia in mortal combat.

Mrs. Markham. And you, Frank—what do you know of
Talleyrand ?

Frank. That there seemed to be some doubt about his proper title.
Some called him " Monseigneur," some " Monsieur," and some even
" My shoe " and " My sheer."

3frs. Markham. Well, my dear children, you all seem to have
been very observant, and let me hope that if A Royal Divorce does
not exactly add to the reputation of Napoleon, Josephine, Mr.
Wills, or Marie Loeise, it may yet fill the coffers of Miss Grace
Hawthorne.

Naval Note.—The Shibboleth of international courtesy in these
days of big Iron-clad Fleets should surely be, " May it please your
WTarships! "

Song of the Shampooed One (after Tennyson).— " Sweet after
showers ambrosial (h)air! "