Punch: Punch (101.1891)

138

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [September 19, 1891.

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CAUSE AND EFFECT.

1 My little Boy, Sir, died when he was only Two Months old, just after he
had been vaccinated." " how very sad ! had he been baptised?"
"Yes, Sir; but it was the Vaccination as carried him off, Sir!"

THE MODERN "BED OF PROCRUSTES." ME™^estold Bmms* that Pet of the

[Procrustes, or "the Stretcher," was the sur- Equality perfect prevaileth in—Hades

name of one Polypkmon, a Greek "gentleman of "Where all are alike." Said thersites,
the road," whose amiable habit was to stretch or "forme

ha°nt^ha%^ enough," but beau NlREUS could

Hands, so as to make them ot the same length as a hnrrllv o-

certain bed of his upon which it was his wont to tie wvu li "Tr i ix. i_ i i_ j-

them.] '' ltn such levelling down to the churl who for

shape

To shorten the long, and to lengthen the short, In his strange second life chose the form of an
May have made the Greek robber - chief ape.

excellent sport; For Thersptes & Co., for the weakly and
But the Stretcher's strange pallet-rack seems small,

t ..i011^ °* date Who in free competition must go to the wall,
in the land of the free, 'neath a well-ordered

State. * Lucian's Dialogues oj the Bead.

The plan of Procrustes has obvious charms:
"Cut 'em down to our standard, chop legs,

shorten arms!
Bring us all to one level in power and pay,
By the rule of a legalised Eight Hours Day! "
So shouts Labour's Lilliput—that is its voice,
And the modern Procrustes thereat must

rejoice.

" No giants, no dwarfs! " So say Browntng
and Burt,

But to " raise the whole race " can't be done
in a spurt,

And while Nature provides us with genius
and clown,

There is nought to be gained by mere levelling
down.

So the plan of Procrustes, my boys, will not
work,

Or will benefit none save the sluggard or
shirk.

Oh yes, the bold bully stands swaggering
there

With the axe in his hand, and his head in
the air,

Type of heedless Compulsion, the shallow of
pate,

Who man's freedom would sell to a fetish of
State.

Self-help and joint effort, as Burt wisely said,
Are better by far than—that comfortless bed,
That new Little-Ease that free Labour would
pack,

On a sort of plank-pillow combined with a
rack.

"Come on, longs and shorts!" shouts Pro-
crustes the New,

" Law shall lend us its axe, and its rope, and
its screw

I must make you all fit to my Bed standard-
sized ! "

Ah! Labour may well look a little surprised.
"Fit us all to that cramped prison-pallet!
Oh lor!

It may suit a few stumpies, but England

holds more.
Might as well fit us out with fixed ' duds '

from our birth,
Regardless of difference in growth, or in

girth.

No! Snap-votes may be caught 'midst a
Congress's roar, „

But tool us all down to one gauge, mate ?
Oh lor !!! "

Xew Unionist Titan and Stentor in one,

To pose as Procrustes may seem rather fun";

When it comes to the pinch of experiment,

then [men,
You may find that some millions of labouring
Of all sorts and sizes, all callings and crafts,
The toilers by furnaces, factories, shafts,
The thrall of the mine, and the swart stithy

slave, [wave,
The boys of the bench, and the sons of the
Are not quite so easy to "size up " all round
To that comfortless bed where you'd have

them all bound,
As the travellers luckless who fell in the way
Of the old Attic highwayman Theseus did

slay.

Though your voice may sound loud and your
thews look immense,

You may fall to the Theseus—of Free Com-
mon Sense ! [beguiles not—

As Burt says—and his eloquence moves but

On short cuts to Millennium Providence
smiles not!

Appropriate Location.—"Yes," said a
friend of the person they were discussing,
" he is a great traveller, and tells you some
of the most marvellous stories." "Where
does he live ? " was the question. And the
very natural answer was, " Oh, in some out-
and-out-lying district."