Punch: Punch (101.1891)

October 3, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

157

THE TRAVELLING COMPANIONS.

No. IX.

SCETTE—The Burg Terrace at Nuremberg. Podbeey on a bench,
grappling with the Epitome of Spexcee.

Podbury (reading aloud, with comments). " For really to conceive
the infinite divisibility of matter is mentally to follow out the
divisions to infinity, and to do this would require infinite time."
You're right there, old cock, and, as I haven't got it to spare, I
won't trouble you!—um—um . . . "opposite absurdities"— "sub-
jective modifications" . . . "ultimate scientific ideas, then, are all
representative of ideas that cannot be comprehended." I could have

it was "profound truth" and "masterly precision"! I've got
more profound truth where that came from. I say, I shall set up as
an intellectual Johnny after this, and get you to write an Epitome
of me. I think I pulled your leg that time, eh ?

Culch. [biting his lip). When you have extracted sufficient enter-
tainment from that very small joke, you will perhaps allow Miss
Peexdeegast to sit down and begin her sketch. You may not be
aware that you've taken her place.

[He withdraws majestically to the parapet, while Podbeey
makes way for Miss P. with apologies.
Podb. (as he leans over seat while she sketches). I wish your
brother Bob had been here—he would have enjoyed that!

3Iiss P. It was really too bad of vou, though. Poor Mr. Celchabd !

told him that. "What bally rot this Philosophy is—but I suppose I \ Podb. He shouldn't try to make me out a bigger duffer than I am,
must peg away at it. Didn't she say she was sorry I didn't go in ! then. But I say, you don't really think it was too bad ? Ah, you're
more for cultivating my mind? (lie looks tip.) Jove, here she ; laughing—you don't!

comes! and yes, there's that beggar Cexchaed with her! I thought Miss P. Never mind what I really think. But you have got us

he'd—how the dickens did he manage to-? I see what he's after both into sad disgrace. Mr. Cuxchard is dreadfully annoyed with

■—thinks he '11 cut me out—twice over—but he shan't this time, if I us—look at his shoulders .'

can help it! Culch. (leaning over parapet icith his back to them). That ass

Culchard (to Miss Hypatia Peexdeegast). No, the Modern Spirit Podbeey ! To think of his taking me in with an idiotic trick like
is too earnestly intent upon solving the problems of existence to that! And before Her too ! And when I had made it all right about
tolerate humour in its literature. Humour has served a certain the other evening, and was producing an excellent impression on the
purpose in its day, but that day is done, and I for one cannot pretend way up here. I wish I could hear what they were whispering about—
to regret its decay. more silly jokes at my expense, no doubt- Bah ! as if it affected me!

Miss II. P. Nor I. In fact, the only humour I ever really Potib. (to Miss P.). I say, how awfully well you draw!
appreciated is that of the ancient classics. Miss P. There you betray your ignorance

There has been no true fun since Aeisto- ^___" in Art matters. Sketching with me is a pas-

phaxes died. At least,/think not. ^TNll&s^lL time, not a serious pursuit. (They go on

Podb. (catching the last sentence). Oh, I j^p^3^?°* conversing in a lower tone.) No, please, Mr.

say, come, Miss Peexdeegast. Have you '*m£^~-rz~5i& Podbery. I'm quite sure he would never-

ever read "The Jumping Frog"? ^~^^^^\.mm^~/W Podb. (rises ; comes up to Celchabd, and

Miss P. I was under the impression that /^^Wjl^^M touches his shoulder). I say, old chappie-

all frogs jumped. But I never read—I—ah k{ ^^iV^^^^ Culch. (Jerking away with temper). Now,

—study. \\ ^'ji^Bm 1°°^ h°re> Podbeey. I'm not in the mood

Podb. (declining to be crushed). Well, I ==§£^1 ^^^sftfelAV^i^^^^^^^^ for any more of your foolery-

call Mask Twaxx funny anyhow. But I'm " - '\ sfe- ^~ Podb. (humbly). All right, old boy. I

going in for study now. I am—honour / > <Jk /^"^ fptf wouldn't bother you, only Miss Peexdeegast

bright! I'm swotting up Spexcee—look ! JllS wants a figure for her foreground, and I said

[He exhibits the volume proudly. ivf^ ^//f _ y I'd ask you if you'd keep just as you are

Miss P. And are you not enchanted by the t^pn/- ( J' t^Bsl for a few minutes. Do you mind?

logical lucidity of that great thinker ? II Vl/ :^S=S, 7 yS Culch. (to himself). Afraid she's gone too

Podb. Um—I should be more enchanted if V\\lt^s^lffifi^~T^k \~ far—thinks she'll smooth me down! Upon

I ever had the faintest notion what the great ~^_~tL-<L' V m5r word-i ^ would serve her right to—but

thinker was driving at. Look here—here's j^BsjB^BB^*" i«PI/ Vgfe=r no, I won't be petty. (Aloud.) Pray tell

a simple little sentence for you ! (Heads.) '^W&^^^^W fmfa? Miss Puexdekgast. that I have no immediate

'' Let us therefore bear in mind the following: ^^^^^^W ' 4jg|l§ intention of altering my position.

That of the whole incident force affecting , ^W^^^^^^v- -JaHgl^ Podb. Thanks awfully, old chap. I knew

an _ aggregate, the effective force is that --you 'd oblige.

which remains after deducting the non- ' /\- v^l^ik 'v• J|si^& \s&^^5^ _ Culch. (incisively). I am obliging Miss

effective, that the temporarily effective and x \L <""%^„>'^X Peexdeegast, and her only. (Poising his

the permanently effective vary inversely, and. ^W^"^^^^^ -r- ,<7) voice, without turning his head.) Would you

that-the molar and molecular changes wrought V^T^ rX''l~ / prefer me to face you, Miss Peexdeegast ?

by the permanently effective force also vary C7 «3 /- Miss P. (in tremulous tones). N—no, thank

inversely." (With pathos.) And that's Podbury grappling with the Epitome of Spencer. J™-- It—it's so much more n—natural, don't
only m an A^^ioe, mind you' you know, for you to be 1—looking at the view.

Miss P. Really, Mr. Podbeuy, I see nothing particularly incom- '
prehensible in that.

Culch. (ivith his superwr smile). My dear Podbeey, you can
hardly expect to master the Spencerian phraseology and habit of
thought without at least some preliminary mental discipline !

Podb. (nettled). Oh—but you find him plain-sailing enough, I
suppose ?

Culch . I have certainly not encountered any insuperable difficulties
in his works as yet.

Podb. Well, I '11 just trouble you to explain this—wait a bit.
(Opens volume again.) Ah, here we are—"And these illusive and
primordial cognitions, or pseud-ideas, are homogeneous entities
which may be differentiated objectively or subjectively, according as
they are presented as Noumenon or Phenomenon- Or, in other words,
they are only cognoscible as a colligation of incongruous coalescences."
Now then—are you going to tell me vou can make head or tail of all
that ?

Culch. (perceiving that Miss P. is awaiting his reply in manifest
suspense). It's simple enough, my dear fellow, only 1 can't expect
you to grasp it. It is merely a profound truth stated with masterly
precision.

Podb. Oh, is that all, my dear fellow ? (He flings up his heels in
an ecstasy.) I knew I'd have you! Why, I made that up myself
as I went along, and if you understand it, it's a jolly sight more
than I do ! [He roars with laughter.

Miss P. (behind her handkerchief). Mr. Ctechabd has evidently
gone through the—the "preliminary mental discipline."

Culch. (scarlet and sulky). Of course, if Mr. Podbeey descends to
childishness of that sort, I can't pretend to-

Podb. (wiping his eyes). But you did pretend, old chap. You said

vol. ct.

Culch. As you please. (To himself'.) Can't meet my eye. Good!
I shall go on treating her distantly for a little. I wonder if I look
indifferent enough from behind ? Shall I cross one foot ? Better
not—she may have begun sketching me. If she imagines I'm sus-
ceptible to feminine flattery of this palpable kind, she '11-how her

voice shook, though, when she spoke. Poor girl, she's afraid she
offended me by laughing—and I did think she had more sense than
to—but I mustn't be too hard on her. I'm afraid she's already
beginning to think too much of—and with my peculiar position with
Miss Teottee—(Maed, that is)—not that there's anything definite
at present, still-(Aloud.) Ahem, Miss Peexdeegast—ami stand-
ing as you wish ? (To himself.) She doesn't answer—too absorbed,
and I can't hear that idiot—found he hasn't scored so much after all,
and gone off in a huff, I expect. So much the better ! What a time
she is over this, and how quiet she keeps! I wish I knew whether it
was coquetry or—shall I turn round and see ? No, I must be perfectly
indifferent. And she did laugh at me. I distinctly saw her. Still,
if she's sorry, this would be an excellent opportunity for—(Aloud.)
Miss Peexdeegast ! (No reply—louder.) May I take it that you
regret having been betrayed into nionientary approbation of a
miserable piece of flippancy? If so, let me assure you— (Turns
round—to discover that he is addressing two little flaxen-haired girls
in speckled pinafores, who are regarding him open-mouthed. Miss
Peexdeegast and Podbeey have disappeared!) Podbeey again .'
He must have planned this—with her ! It is too much. I have done
—yes—done with the pair of them! [Strides off in bitter indignation.

School-boy's Fiest Expeeiexce of Smokixg.—One sickarette,
-and he never could do another. 0 si sic omnes !