Punch: Punch (101.1891)

160 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [October 3, 1891.

MR. PUNCH'S NAVAL NOVEL.

Lord Randolph Churchill, father of the present Earl of South
Africa, had been recalled to office by an alarmed country, and had

[Mr. Punch has observed with much gratification the success of various 1 united in his own person the*offices of Secretary of State for War,
brochures professing to give, under the disguise of retrospect, a prophetic but First Lord of the Admiralty, Premier, Chancellor of the Exchequer
accurate account of the naval battle of the immediate future. Mr. Punehhas and Lord Privy Seal. As a first step towards restoring confidence,
read them carefully over and over again. For some time he has been living, he had, with his own hands, beheaded the former Prime Minister,
so to speak, in the midst of magnificent iron-clad fleets. In vain have tor- j the Marquis of salisbury, and had published a cheap and popular
pedoes been launched on their occasionally death-dealing mission against him, ! edition of his epoch-making Letters from Mashonaland. His Lord-
in vain have immense shells exploded in his immediate neighbourhood, j ship's official residence hadl>een established at the Amphitryon Club
Aothing, not even the ramming of one whole squadron by another, has sue- ! wnere still preserve on constant relays of ice the Becassine

£ c , g ilmi ? a rcmaTd m, the ™dst of ?n ' iardSe aux truffes which Lord Randolph was about to eat when he

a l ow SS&flSt, S .company to a heap of toe-nails : bb d ^ unV ambassadors of Germany, France, Austria, Russia,

Ana now, lus mind nrecl b} the crash ot conflict and the intoxication of almost : T, i ,i T1 lv c . n rrri •„ „j: ,->„„„™-,-,™™ ™nl

universal slaughter, he proposes to show the world how a naval novel that ! Italy^and the Republic of Andorra. The immediate consequence was
means to be accurate as well as vivid, to be bought by the public in thousands
as well as to teach useful lessons to politicians and sailors, ought really to be
written. Mr. Punch may as well state that he has not submitted this story

to any naval experts. His facts speak for themselves, and require no merely
professional approval to enhance their value.]

WHO'D BE A SALLOE?

(A Story of Blood and Battle.)
Chapter I.

a declaration of war against us.

Chapter III.

I was at that time in command of H.M.S. Bander snatch, a vessel
of nine hundred thousand horse-power, and a mean average displace-
ment of four hundred thousand tons. Ah, the dear old Bander-
snatch ! Never can I forget the thrill of exquisite emotion which
pervaded my inmost being as I stepped on board in mid-ocean.
Everything was in apple-pie order. Bulkheads, girders, and beams
shone like glass in the noondav sun. The agile torpedo-catchers

Listen, my Grandchildren! for you are mine, not indeed by the \ had been practising their sports, and I could not resist a feeling of
ridiculous accident of birth (since to speak the truth I am ah un- j intense pride when I learnt that only fifty of these heroic fellows
married old sea-dog), but by . .s had that morning perished

the far higher and more \ ' f \i/x,/; , « - owing to the accidental ex-

honourable title of having X<V IP J Jf WrMwJ / ///^, plosion of one of their charm-

been selected by me to hear >l ^x^-/' J&h\1'/ y^^/^v/^ ing playthings at the very

this yarn. You know well **3P x.^V'' y/) \( 4f\f\ Y^^U^^^My^ crisis of the game. The

enough that such a tale must * /v J?)$t?k- . . i' ■/■////) , racers of the after-guns had

be told to grandchildren, o< ""x /' ' „ ''■ / <-%\Jy\ t/l s-^'l0W ■ ] /:yyy\L been out for

and since you undoubtedly >- /^^Oil] . /^ff^ 'hf / exercise. Indeed the saddles

possessed grandparents, and ^«s££V^'- a, ..' k , j^v \ ii1 ] -'it' '}->■ W/f had only just been removed,

nave been hired at a shilling >-* & —" JL'A M '//, ■r%*£?1 -' X-a f- and the noble animals were

an hour to listen to me, I y(—\ kJgtK < - : f / /»#^tr ^ now enjoying a good square

have every right to address ^ ^ jt- ) !7*V!^x^ KA'A' It I' ?///*Ms>/ /^<^S' 'tffflsMfa'' meal of corn in their bomb-

you as I did. Therefore I say, fy\ fllp-^-X V'-.<\_ \- ^ \\ MlJ/rA. & ^'/^^ij^^l/- proof stable. Keep your

my grandchildren, attend to <^ ( t V V* ^j^^^^JL'^ \ ' ' ' M^'' -^M^Wr/''' aiuma^3 "l good fettle, and

what I am about to relate. . li '. ■■ Vt^^J ) \ ''S&w^W^- ■ tm>y 'H never shirk their

You who live under the bene- ^^'^l^^wy^-V :/-> '^^p^^-)y^^^^^rP-^-- work: that was always my

ficent sway of the mighty ' - ~ J - ^^^80-^ ».■',. - , -- y ~^vt'4 v f&'^-i ~~ motto, and right well has it

Anstralo - Canado - Africo - - ^ ^ VWf^ answered. The roaring fur-

Celto-Americo-Anglian Fe- -— "--"^-^te-^.> tfffl^T&y^'^^-=& j@Ssir': naces, the cylindrical boilers,

deration of Commonwealths, ~^-^Si^^ff&^^^^^^i^^s^^^hi~^^^y^^' ~" prisoned steam, the twin

can have no notion of the __ J^-aa .' """'^^^^p^ ,- —~— - screws, the steel shut that

degraded conditions under ^ T'luP1 —'^^■■^^'iilt \ &!§{t " crashes like thunder, the

which I, your grandfather, —- \v ^ —~"•//C-^—:—" -' r^^^^ , fearful impact of the ram,

and the rest of my miserable — s?" X . >—f ^fe'-""32^- " ^ J^. ^_ the blanching terror of the

fellow - countrymen lived 7 " -'- /■©Lr—-^"^ —' ^ supreme moment, the shat-

fifty years ago in the jrear --~. -—'"^^.-^____"^J^ZlZ ____ ._~ tered limbs and scattered

1892. Naturally you have V~ ~~ - - _ ___ " heads,—all these were ready,

read no books of history refer- waiting but for the pressure

ring to any date anterior to Thc Explosion. of my finger on the middle

1902. The wretched records of ignorance, slavery and decrepitude button of the boatswain's mess-waistcoat to speed forth upon their

deadly work between the illustrated covers of a shilling pamphlet.

Chapter IV,

In another moment the enemy's fleet had hove in sight. Our
movements in the ten minutes preceding the fatal conflict will be
best understood by consulting the annexed diagram :—

We advanced in this
imposing order for five \

have been justly expunged from your curriculum. Let me tell you
then that a little country calling itself the United Kingdom of Great
Britain and Ireland at that time arrogated to itself the leadership
of the mighty countries which you now call your home. You smile
and refer me to a large-sized map on which, as you justly observe,
this country occupies a space of not more than two square inches.
Your surprise is intelligible, but the melancholy fact remains. All
this has now been happily changed, and changed too in consequence .

of a war in which England (for so the country was often inaccurately minutes. Then came a
called, except upon Scotch political platforms, where people naturallv ' puff of smoke, and, in less
objected to the name) in which, as 1 say, England bore the chief part
and obtained the decisive victory. The story of this war I am now
about to relate to you.

Chapter II.

War had been declared. We had known for a long time that it
was coming. For months past the bellicose bench of Bishops had
been preaching war in all the Cathedrals of the land. Field Marshal
the_ Luke of Wolseley, who was then a simple lord, had written
articles in all the prominent American reviews, and had proved to
demonstration that with 50,000 boys and the new patent revolving
ammunition belt, Britain (for that too was the name of my late
country) was ready to defy and conquer the world. Rear-Admiral
and Lieutenant-General Sir William T. Stead, G.C.B., C.S.I.,
K.G., V.C.—the great journalist in the shade of whose colossal
mounted statue we are now sitting—had suddenly become a convert
to the doctrine that war is the great purifier, and had offered in a
spirit of extraordinary self-abnegation to command both the Army
and the Fleet in action. Volunteer corps armed with scythes, paper-
knives, walking-sticks and umbrellas had sprung up all over the
country, and had provided their own uniforms and equipment.

time than it takes to tell
it, two thousand men had
been literally blown into
thin air, their sole rem-
nant being the left shoe of
my trusty second in com-
mand, Captain Glim-
dowse. I trained the two
turret-guns until I had
got them into perfect con-
dition, and gave the word.
The crash that followed was terrific. One of the massive missiles
went home, and stayed there, no amount of inducement availing to
bring it out again to face the battle. The other, however, behaved
as a British missile should, and exploded in the heart of the hostile
fleet. The result was terrific. French, G erman and Russian Admirals
by the thousand were destroyed, their scattered fragments literally
darkening the face of the sun, and a mixed shower of iron, steel,
stanchions, bollards, monster guns, Admirals, ' sailors, stewards,
cocked-hats, and Post Captains fell for ten minutes without intermis-
sion from the clouds into which they had been driven by the awful