Punch: Punch (101.1891)

162

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [October 3, 1891.

DEA EX MACHINA!

(A Reminiscence.)

(Shalspcare once more freely adapted to the
situation.)

[" We wanted, and we want, to do for the villages,
what the first reformed Parliament did in conferring
municipal government upon the towns. "We knew
that the Tory Part)- did not really mean to give
us village or parish Councils. . .". 'The Kadical
agitators,' says Sir Michael Hicks-Beach, ' want
to see a complete change in the social condition of
rural society.' What if we do ? . . . Why, it was
for this that many of us, seven or eight years ago,
and many more years ago, fought for getting the
labourer a vote."—Mr. John Morley at Cambridge.']

Scene—The Forest of Ha(w)arden.
Touchstone (Mr. J-hn M-rl-y) ; Audrey,
(The Agricultural Vote); Jaques (Mr. P-nch),

" VS IIE'Y) LIKE IT" 'behind. Afterwards William (Sir M-ch-l

Touch. Come apace, good Audrey : I will
fetch up your votes, Audrey. And how,
Audrey ?—am I the man yet ? Doth my
simple programme content you ?

Andrei/. Your programme ! Lord warrant
us, what programme P

Touch. I am here with thee and thy Yotes
as the glittering poet-god Apollo was among
the herds of Admetus.

Jaq. {aside). Oh, knowledge oddly applied !
Fancy Olympian Oracles in a thatched
cottage !

Touch. When a man's speeches cannot be
understood, nor a man's good platform wit
seconded by the froward child popular under-
standing, it strikes a man more dead than a

small minority on a big Bill. Truly, I would
the gods had made thee political.

Ami. I do not know what political is. Is it
honest in deed and word P Is it a true thing ?

Touch, {with sardonic frankness). No,
truly ; for the truest politics show the most
feigning ; and Tories are given to politics;
and what they swear, in polities, may be said,
as Tories, they do feign.

A nd. Do you wish, then, that the gods had
made me political ?

Touch. I do, truly; for they swear to me
thou art true Tory, parson - and - squire -
ridden Tory. Now, if thou wert political, I
might have some hope thou didst feign—to
them !

And. Would you not have me Tory ?

Touch. No, truly, unless thou wert for-
tune-favoured ; for Toryism coupled to
poverty is to have folly a sauce to misery.

Jaq. (aside). A shrewd fool!

Aud. Well, 1 am not rich ; and therefore I
pray the gods to make me Liberal.

Touch. Truly, and to cast away Liberalism
upon a willingly " unemancipated" Yoter,
were to deck a porker with pearls.

Aud. I may not be "emancipated," but I
thank the gods I am " enfranchised."

Touch. Well, praised be the Liberals for
thine enfranchisement! Emancipation—from
" squarsonry "—may come hereafter. But,
be it as it may, I will marry thee.

Jaq. (aside). I would fain see this wed-
ding. Methinks there will be sport forward
ere it be fully achieved.

And. Well, the gods give us joy !

Touch. Amen. . . . But, Audrey, there is
a youth here in the forest lays claim to you.

Aud. Ay, I know who 'tis : he hath no in-
terest in me in the world. Here comes the
man you mean.

Touch. It is meat and drink to me to see
a—Tory: by my troth, we that have good
wits have much to answer for; we shall be
flouting; we cannot hold.

Enter Willtim.
Will. Good even, Audrey.
Aud. Give ye good even, William.
Will. And good even to you, Sir !
Touch. Good even, gentle friend . . . Art
thou wise ?

Will. Ay, Sir, I have a pretty wit.
Touch. You do desire this maid ?
Will. I do, Sir.

Touch. Give me your hand. Art thou
learned ?

Will. No, Sir.

Touch. Then learn this of me ; to have is
to have ; for it is a great figure in Gladstonian
rhetoric, that votes being deducted from one
Party and added to another, by putting the
one Out do put the other In; for all your
writers do consent that ipse is he: now you
are not ipse, tor I am he.

Will, Which he, Sir ?

Touch. He, Sir, that must marry the
woman. Therefore, you Tory, abandon—
which is, in the vulgar, leave—the society,
which in the boorish is, company—of this
female,—which in the common is, woman;
which together is, abandon the society of this
female, or Tory, thou vanishest; or, to thy
better understanding, skedaddlest; or, to
wit, I defeat thee, make thee away, trans-
late thy majority into minority, thine Office
into Opposition; I will deal in programmes
with thee, or in eloquence, or in epigram ; I
will bandy with thee in faction; I will
o'errun thee with policy; I will "mend thee
or end thee" a hundred and fifty ways;
therefore, tremble, and depart!

Song (behind).

It was a lover and his lass,
With a hey, and a ho, and a hey nonino,