Punch: Punch (101.1891)

184

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[October 17, 1891.

LETTERS TO ABSTRACTIONS.

No. IT.—TO POMPOSITY.
Your Excellency,

other "well-known examples. Something I knew must happen to
disturb this edifice of pompous grandeur. The something was not
long in coming, for just after Chump had expatiated at immense
length upon the vintages of France, after he had offered to stock the

How difficult it is to succeed in giving pleasure. When I j failing cellars of Lord Agincourt from his own, after the butler
addressed you recently, I honestly intended to gratify you by the j had^with due parade, placed two_ corks at his master's side in token
adoption of a tone of easy familiarity. Surely, I thought to myself,

I cannot be wrong if I address my friend Pomposity by his name,
and speak to him in a chatty rather than in an inflated style. If
I chose the latter, might he not think that I was poking fun at him
by cheap parody, and manifest his displeasure by bringing a host of
Bulmers about my ears ? These considerations prevailed with me,
and the result was the letter you received. But, O pectora cceca ! I
have learnt from an authoritative source that you are displeased.
You resent, it seems, what you are pleased to term my affectation of
intimaey, and you beg for a style of greater respect in any future
communications. So be it. I have pondered for hours, and have
eventually come to the conclusion that I shall best consult your
wishes by addressing you in a manner suited to diplomatic personages
of importance. I have noticed that in their official intercourse
these gentlemen move on stilts of the most rigid punctilio, and I have
often pictured to myself the glow of genuine pride which must
suffuse the soul of an ambassador or a foreign Minister when, for the

of the treat that was to follow, it was discovered by little Billy
Siltzer, an impudent dog without veneration or reticence, that both
the bottles of Pontet Ccrnet were disgustingly corked. To my
relief, but to Chump's discomfiture, Billy announced his discovery.
" Ben, my boy," he shouted across the table, " the moths have been
at this tap of wine. I 'm afraid his Lordship won't care to take it off
your hands." Ben became blue with suppressed fury. The
trembling butler obeyed his angry summons. "Take that stuff
away," said Ben, "and drink it yourself. Bring fresh wine at
once." But, alas, for wasted indignation, no more Pontet Canet
was forthcoming, and we had to satisfy ourselves on a wine whose
inferiority no nourish of trumpets could disguise.

Now there is nothing in the accident of a corked bottle that ought
to crush a man. 1 have seen a host rise serenely after such an
occurrence, and nobody dreamt of imputing it to him for wicked-
ness. But the contrast between the magniloquence of poor Ben and
the deadly failure of his wine, was too great. Even Lady Mabel, a

first time, he finds himself styled an Excellency. It ^m*. kind girl without affectations, could not

may be of course that he knows himself to be any- forbear a smile when the incident was

thing rather than excellent, but he will keep that j8m>4&2& narrated to her in the drawing-room, and

knowledge to himself, stowed away in some remote fflpL some of the other guests, whose names I

corner of his mind, and never on any account i«f ^37 QT-\ cLaritably refrain from mentioning,

allowed to interfere with his enjoyment of the ^M^~^L^, seeme<l quite radiant with pleasure at the

ignorant and empty compliments that others pay ^^^^t^^^^^ &*>r misfortune of their host. Chump, how-

him. >r^^T^fwViwJi^ ever, was not long in recovering, and

I wish to ask you a simple question. Why do /^R^^O^^T^P^. ^ftjx before many hours had passed, he was

you render those who spend their lives in your fSj&yWfa^A ^^i^^r^C^i assuring us in the smoking-room, that he

service so extremely ridiculous ? That may be just wMl rTj \h^f^&^^^ proposed to establish sport in his particular

the fashion of your humour; but is it fair to persist ^^^^h®M-U i^^r^*^ district on a broad and enduring basis. On the

as you do ? There is, for instance, my old friend '-Via Ff iffl following morning there was a lawn-meet at the

Benjamin Chump, little Ben Chump as we used to ^^^HMiJ^Ki Manor, and, as I'm a living sinner, our wretched

call him in the irreverent days, before his face had fMn^'f~Jr^fym\ "^os* was nun£ on ^s back before the eyes of

turned purple or his waistcoat had prevented him HM^sMj^'/^'W a^ neionuouriUD sportsmen and sportswomen

from catching stray glimpses of his patent-leathered m^ilw \ ky a fiery chestnut which he bought for £400 from

toes. Little Ben was not made for the country, ^Z*fwi IWp i a well-known dealer. What became of him during

that was certain. A life of Clubs and dinner-parties ""raJv | \ tne rest of the day I know not. Indeed I shrink

would have suited him to perfection. In his Club ^ ( j / WiF'' A from continuing the story of his ridiculous humi-

he could always pose before a select and, it must ( "i v\"\y. nations, and I merely desire to remark that if this

be added, a dwindling circle as a man of influence. fi lr V a%W ^e 3*our Excellency's manner of rewarding those

" There is no Club, however watched and tended, /w4T^ \ 1^5? V serye You> I Pray that I may be for ever pre-

but one dread bore is there." Ben might have P^'-x^s"'</ i,r "Iwck served from your patronage.

developed into a prime bore, but as he was plenti- ' 1W 1 |, .. ..'\<^. So much, then, for Benjamin. In spite of

fully supplied with money and had a good cook and IN^^ J5«$$lb everything 1 have a sort of sneaking regard for the

a pleasant wife, he would always have managed to \ 3 -^^P ^ %$MM> poor man' especially since I discovered that he

gather round him plenty of guests who would have I f| ^illlL if-|-^ "! was not a free agent, but was inspired in word and

forgiven him his elaborate platitudes, for the sake V^3fs8iS'\ action by your blatant influence. Were it not that

of his admirable made-dishes. Suddenly, however, W!^mSBI^^^J^ I feared to weary yen, I might proceed at much

he resolved to become a country gentleman. As vjfs^ greater length. I might parade before you regiment

there is no law to prevent a Chump from turning " upon regiment of pompous local magnates and poli-

into a squire, Ben had not to wait very long before he was able to
put his fatal resolve into execution. He purchased an Elizabethan
mansion, and descended with all his airs and belongings upon the
unhappy country-side which he had decided to make the scene of his
rural education. Before that I used to see him constantly. After that
I quite lost sight of him. Occasionally I read paragraphs in weekly
papers about immense festivities due to the enterprise of the Chumps,
and from time to time I received local papers containing long
accounts of hunt breakfasts, athletic sports, the roasting of whole
oxen, and other such stirring country incidents in which it appeared
that the Chumps took a prominent part. I will do Ben the credit to
say that he never omitted to mark with broad red pencil those parts
which referred specially to himself, or reported any speech he may
have happened to make.

Eventually that which I dreaded came about. Circumstances
made it impossible for me to refuse an invitation to Carchester
Manor, and on a certain evening in the first week of December I
found myself a guest under the roof of the Chumps. The entertain-
ment provided was, I am bound to say, magnificent. Every Avant
that the most exacting guest could feel was supplied almost before
he had expressed it, and all that gorgeous rooms, stately retainers

tical nobodies all drilled and disciplined by your offensive methods,
and all of them as absurd and preposterous as they can be made.
But the spectacle would only move you to derision. One point,
however, I must insist on. Whatever you do, don't throw Joshua
Poser across my path again. I might do him an injury. We were
at CoUege together, he being my senior by a year. Even then he
always assumed a condescension towards me, an air as of one who
temporarily stepped down from a pedestal to mingle with common
grovellers. He became a personage in the City, a Chairman and
a Director of Companies, and I lost sight of him. Yesterday I met
him, and he was good enough to address me. "Yes, yes," he
observed, "I remember you well. I have read some of your con-
tributions to periodical literature, and I can honestly say I Avas
pleased; yes, 1 was pleased. Of course the work is unequal, and I
marked one or two passages that might haA'e been omitted Avith
advantage. For instance, the discussion between the vicar and the
family doctor is not quite in the most refined taste, but there is
distinct promise even in that. By the way, why don't you write in
The Neic Congeries f Your style would suit it. I always take that
paper in, an 1 . find it very much appreciated in the pantry. The
butler reads it, Avhen we haA'e done Avith it, and passes it on to the

and irreproachable cooking could do to secure our comfort was done footman. It keeps them out of mischief. Now take my advice, and
at Carchester Manor. But CnuMP himself was on that first evening contribute to that." I humbly murmured my thanks to this in-
the grandest spectacle of all. He overpoAA'ered me. Like some huge ! tolerable person, and left him. As I turned away I half thought I
Spanish galleon making her way Avith bellying sails and majestic \ heard the sound of your Excellency's beUows in the neighbourhood

progress amidst a fieet of cockle-shells, so did Chump bear himself
amidst his party. The neighbouring magnates came to meet us.
Lord and Lady Agincourt with their charming daughter Lady
Mabel Poictiers, Sir George Buckwheat and his wife, the
Reverend Canon and Mrs. Catspaav, and a host of others were there
to do Chump honour. I thought of Polycrates and his ring- and of

of Poser. Was I wrong ?
I remain (merely in an epistolary sense),
Your Excellency's humble secant, Diogenes Robinson.

Appropriate Title for Mr. Andrew Lang.—The Folk-Loreate.