October 24, 1891.] PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVAKI.
197
Culch. Er—Podburt it has occurred \
to me that we might—- k thi k to.monw |
JW&. I say, Culchard, we really f *
ought to- )
Podb. Hullo ! we 're both of one mind, for once, eh? (To himself.)
Poor old beggar ! Grot the sack ! That explains a lot. Well, I won't
tell him anything about this business just now.
Culch. So it appears. (To himself.) [Had his quietus, evidently.
Ah, well, I won't exult over him.
{They go off together to consult a time-table.
Miss. P. {on the balcony, musing). Poor fellows! I couldn't very
well say anything more dehnite at present. By the time I see them
again, I may understand my own heart better. Really, it is rather
an exciting sensation, having two suitors under vow and doing
penance at the same time—and all for my sake ! I hope, though,
they won't mention it to one another—or to Bob. Bob does not
understand these things, and he might-But, after all, there are
only two of them. And Buskin distinctly says that every girl who
is worth anything ought always to have half-a-dozen or so. Two is
really quite moderate.
A TOO-ENGAGING MAIDEN'S REPLY.
(By Mr. Punch's kind permission.)
Yes, I read your effusion that lately got printed,
And at first never guessed there was anything meant.
But when someone suggested that something was hinted,
On your verses some time I reluctantly spent.
They are fair—and perhaps you consider them
clever,
You 're a poet, no doubt, of a minor degree,
But I never was startled so strangely —■ no,
never! [me !
As to learn that the lady you mentioned was
In the coolest of ways you sum up my attrac-
tions,
Pray allow me to turn my attention to you.
You are good, I believe, at the vulgarest
fractions, [two.
You have cheek and assurance sufficient for
You are what people reckon " a nice sort of
fellow," _ [feel,
_Your sense of importance very strongly you
Tl ou are bilious, you've got a complexion of
yellow, _ [good deal.
You are plainer than I am—which says a
"Am I free altogether from blame in the
matter ? " — [way—
And as to my frowning, I don't know the
Do you really imagine that insolent chatter
Can affect me, or that I care for what people
say ?
With fervent adorers around by the
dozen,
For whom but my word is the law of
their life,
Do you think I'd occasion to pitch on a
some london "fiends."
(Iloiv to Ersrcise, after reading Correspondence on the subject in several
"Dailies")
The " Walking-stick and Umbrella Fiend."
Provide yourself with a steel-plated umbrella (carriage size), with
a "non-conducting" handle. When open in a shower, where people
are hurrying, let the framework bristle with sharp penknife points.
Held firmly in front of you, you will find everyone get out of your
way. In entering a
crowded omnibus or rail-
way carriage, by touching
a knob, let the heat gene-
rated by the electric cur-
rent instantly cause the
whole to become "red-
hot." Dexterously moved
about in front of you, you
will find this a most
thoroughly protecting
weapon, clearing in-
stantly a large space on
each side of you, and even
sometimes involving the
summoning of the con-
ductor or guard, with a
view to your removal
either to another compartment, or even a general request for your
expulsion from the vehicle altogether. This may lead possibly to
your enjoyment of an entire compartment to yourself; for, of
course, you will point out that you cannot be expected to travel
without your umbrella, which, after all, happens merely to be con-
structed on a newly-patented principle.
The " Hansom Cab Fiend:1
This is easily overcome. You have merely to employ an agent to
purchase a second-hand steam-roller for you, put in a high-pressure
boiler, and the thing is done. With practice, you can easily get
eight miles an hour out of one of these excellent machines, and
you will find a general indifference as to the rule of the road,
especially if you turn a corner or two at a stiff pace, act as a_ capital
"road-clearer." Even the smartest butcher's cart will do its best
to get out of your way when it sees you coming.
The " Piano Organ, German Band, and General Street Music
Fiend."
Get (your best way is through a friend at the Admiralty) several
fog-horns rejected by the Department on account of their excessive
and unbearable shrillness. Whenever any sort of street music com-
mences at either end of your street,
turn on, by an apparatus specially
arranged in your area, the full
force of the above. This will not
only overpower your would-be
tormentors, but bring every house-
holder in the neighbourhood to his
street-door begging you to desist.
You have merely to say, "When
they stop, / turn off," to get them
cousin, ^H["?v: Mto comprehend the situation. It
And announce that yon wanted myself /§1h1A llmrraBP^^i may l"jhml,4' lead to the interven-
as your wife ? /^IIbFwA vH SaFf™wllfE-i ^ion °^ the P°lice, probably in some
Do not think I am angry, I am good at forgiving,
Have my constant refusals then made you so sour ?
Even poets in Punch have to write for their living,
And must wear their poor lives out at so much the hour.
I am weary and tired of being proposed to,
And at times I'm afraid it will injure my brain,
But my heart for the future yourself, mind, is closed to,
So don't, I implore, come proposing again.
A Real Burning Question.—What should be done with the
mischievous and malicious noodles who communicate false alarms
(to the number of 518 in one year) to the London Fire Brigade, by
means of the fire-alarm posts fixed for public convenience and pro-
tection in the public thoroughfares ? The almost appropriate Stake is
out of date, but Mr. Punch opines that the Pillory would be none
too bad for them.
(( The Bull, the Bear, and the Oxrs.—Russia, it is asserted,
" intends to annex the whole of the elevated plateaus known as the
Pamirs, and all parts of Afghanistan north of a straight line drawn
from Lake Victoria to the junction of the Kotcha River with the
Oxus." John Bull might say, " I should like to Kotcha at it! "
Portrait of a Gentleman
"Breaking in" his Shoot-
ing-Boots.
force ; but the net result will be
that you will, for that morning, at
least, enjoy a quiet street.
There are other London fiends
removable by various measures,
concerning which much might be
said if they were not actionable.
"Gratitude — a Sense of
Favours to Come."—Mr. Swln-
burne unexpectedly says a good
word for the much be-mocked
Bowbler. "No man (he says),
ever did better service to Shak-
sbeare than the man who made
it possible to put him into the
hands of intelligent and imagina-
tive children." Can Mr. Swin-
burne be " proticipating " the
period when another Bowbler
may be called upon to do a similar
"service " for the author of Poems
and Ballads f
197
Culch. Er—Podburt it has occurred \
to me that we might—- k thi k to.monw |
JW&. I say, Culchard, we really f *
ought to- )
Podb. Hullo ! we 're both of one mind, for once, eh? (To himself.)
Poor old beggar ! Grot the sack ! That explains a lot. Well, I won't
tell him anything about this business just now.
Culch. So it appears. (To himself.) [Had his quietus, evidently.
Ah, well, I won't exult over him.
{They go off together to consult a time-table.
Miss. P. {on the balcony, musing). Poor fellows! I couldn't very
well say anything more dehnite at present. By the time I see them
again, I may understand my own heart better. Really, it is rather
an exciting sensation, having two suitors under vow and doing
penance at the same time—and all for my sake ! I hope, though,
they won't mention it to one another—or to Bob. Bob does not
understand these things, and he might-But, after all, there are
only two of them. And Buskin distinctly says that every girl who
is worth anything ought always to have half-a-dozen or so. Two is
really quite moderate.
A TOO-ENGAGING MAIDEN'S REPLY.
(By Mr. Punch's kind permission.)
Yes, I read your effusion that lately got printed,
And at first never guessed there was anything meant.
But when someone suggested that something was hinted,
On your verses some time I reluctantly spent.
They are fair—and perhaps you consider them
clever,
You 're a poet, no doubt, of a minor degree,
But I never was startled so strangely —■ no,
never! [me !
As to learn that the lady you mentioned was
In the coolest of ways you sum up my attrac-
tions,
Pray allow me to turn my attention to you.
You are good, I believe, at the vulgarest
fractions, [two.
You have cheek and assurance sufficient for
You are what people reckon " a nice sort of
fellow," _ [feel,
_Your sense of importance very strongly you
Tl ou are bilious, you've got a complexion of
yellow, _ [good deal.
You are plainer than I am—which says a
"Am I free altogether from blame in the
matter ? " — [way—
And as to my frowning, I don't know the
Do you really imagine that insolent chatter
Can affect me, or that I care for what people
say ?
With fervent adorers around by the
dozen,
For whom but my word is the law of
their life,
Do you think I'd occasion to pitch on a
some london "fiends."
(Iloiv to Ersrcise, after reading Correspondence on the subject in several
"Dailies")
The " Walking-stick and Umbrella Fiend."
Provide yourself with a steel-plated umbrella (carriage size), with
a "non-conducting" handle. When open in a shower, where people
are hurrying, let the framework bristle with sharp penknife points.
Held firmly in front of you, you will find everyone get out of your
way. In entering a
crowded omnibus or rail-
way carriage, by touching
a knob, let the heat gene-
rated by the electric cur-
rent instantly cause the
whole to become "red-
hot." Dexterously moved
about in front of you, you
will find this a most
thoroughly protecting
weapon, clearing in-
stantly a large space on
each side of you, and even
sometimes involving the
summoning of the con-
ductor or guard, with a
view to your removal
either to another compartment, or even a general request for your
expulsion from the vehicle altogether. This may lead possibly to
your enjoyment of an entire compartment to yourself; for, of
course, you will point out that you cannot be expected to travel
without your umbrella, which, after all, happens merely to be con-
structed on a newly-patented principle.
The " Hansom Cab Fiend:1
This is easily overcome. You have merely to employ an agent to
purchase a second-hand steam-roller for you, put in a high-pressure
boiler, and the thing is done. With practice, you can easily get
eight miles an hour out of one of these excellent machines, and
you will find a general indifference as to the rule of the road,
especially if you turn a corner or two at a stiff pace, act as a_ capital
"road-clearer." Even the smartest butcher's cart will do its best
to get out of your way when it sees you coming.
The " Piano Organ, German Band, and General Street Music
Fiend."
Get (your best way is through a friend at the Admiralty) several
fog-horns rejected by the Department on account of their excessive
and unbearable shrillness. Whenever any sort of street music com-
mences at either end of your street,
turn on, by an apparatus specially
arranged in your area, the full
force of the above. This will not
only overpower your would-be
tormentors, but bring every house-
holder in the neighbourhood to his
street-door begging you to desist.
You have merely to say, "When
they stop, / turn off," to get them
cousin, ^H["?v: Mto comprehend the situation. It
And announce that yon wanted myself /§1h1A llmrraBP^^i may l"jhml,4' lead to the interven-
as your wife ? /^IIbFwA vH SaFf™wllfE-i ^ion °^ the P°lice, probably in some
Do not think I am angry, I am good at forgiving,
Have my constant refusals then made you so sour ?
Even poets in Punch have to write for their living,
And must wear their poor lives out at so much the hour.
I am weary and tired of being proposed to,
And at times I'm afraid it will injure my brain,
But my heart for the future yourself, mind, is closed to,
So don't, I implore, come proposing again.
A Real Burning Question.—What should be done with the
mischievous and malicious noodles who communicate false alarms
(to the number of 518 in one year) to the London Fire Brigade, by
means of the fire-alarm posts fixed for public convenience and pro-
tection in the public thoroughfares ? The almost appropriate Stake is
out of date, but Mr. Punch opines that the Pillory would be none
too bad for them.
(( The Bull, the Bear, and the Oxrs.—Russia, it is asserted,
" intends to annex the whole of the elevated plateaus known as the
Pamirs, and all parts of Afghanistan north of a straight line drawn
from Lake Victoria to the junction of the Kotcha River with the
Oxus." John Bull might say, " I should like to Kotcha at it! "
Portrait of a Gentleman
"Breaking in" his Shoot-
ing-Boots.
force ; but the net result will be
that you will, for that morning, at
least, enjoy a quiet street.
There are other London fiends
removable by various measures,
concerning which much might be
said if they were not actionable.
"Gratitude — a Sense of
Favours to Come."—Mr. Swln-
burne unexpectedly says a good
word for the much be-mocked
Bowbler. "No man (he says),
ever did better service to Shak-
sbeare than the man who made
it possible to put him into the
hands of intelligent and imagina-
tive children." Can Mr. Swin-
burne be " proticipating " the
period when another Bowbler
may be called upon to do a similar
"service " for the author of Poems
and Ballads f
Werk/Gegenstand/Objekt
Titel
Titel/Objekt
Punch
Weitere Titel/Paralleltitel
Serientitel
Punch
Sachbegriff/Objekttyp
Inschrift/Wasserzeichen
Aufbewahrung/Standort
Aufbewahrungsort/Standort (GND)
Inv. Nr./Signatur
H 634-3 Folio
Objektbeschreibung
Maß-/Formatangaben
Auflage/Druckzustand
Werktitel/Werkverzeichnis
Herstellung/Entstehung
Künstler/Urheber/Hersteller (GND)
Entstehungsdatum
um 1891
Entstehungsdatum (normiert)
1886 - 1896
Entstehungsort (GND)
Auftrag
Publikation
Fund/Ausgrabung
Provenienz
Restaurierung
Sammlung Eingang
Ausstellung
Bearbeitung/Umgestaltung
Thema/Bildinhalt
Thema/Bildinhalt (GND)
Literaturangabe
Rechte am Objekt
Aufnahmen/Reproduktionen
Künstler/Urheber (GND)
Reproduktionstyp
Digitales Bild
Rechtsstatus
Public Domain Mark 1.0
Rechteinhaber Weblink
Creditline
Punch, 101.1891, October 24, 1891, S. 197
Beziehungen
Erschließung
Lizenz
CC0 1.0 Public Domain Dedication
Rechteinhaber
Universitätsbibliothek Heidelberg