Punch: Punch (101.1891)

November 7, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

225

upon a Mausoleum in Mashonaland, playing
dice with himself ! The tomb would indeed
appear to be, in the sombre words of the
Mystick Poet:—

" The vault of his lost Ulalume,"

the runic-sounding word, " Ulalume," being
taken perchance as the African synonym
for "Reputation." Whether the cheering
word Resurgam will ever be appropriate to
that Tomb remaineth to be seen. But it would
appear only too plain that Grandolph (in the
words of the aforesaid Shaftesbury) '' hath
been a great frequenter of the woods and
river-banks, where he hath consum'd abun-
dance of his breath, suffer'd his Fancy to
evaporate, and reduc'd the vehemence both of
his Spirit and Voice." In short, that the erst
ambitious and aspiring Grand olph is still
content, for the time at least, to play the part
of The Idle Apprentice.

'WHYS"—WISE AND OTHERWISE.

[Being Queer Queries.)

I wonder why, whene'er a four-

Wheeler advances to a door,

(A common thing on Britain's shore,)

I wonder why,
At once some aged man will stand
And stare until its inmates land,
As if enchained by something grand,

Or weird, or high.

I wonder why the powers that mend

The streets should root them up, and rend

The roads with giant pipes on end

And bricks awry,
Just when we turn to town again ;
Though nothing stirred while West

Cockayne
Lay waste—a huge, deserted lane—

I wonder why.

I wonder why athwart the Row
Stray loafers linger, loth to go
Past the mid-crossing, and are so

Resolved to die,
Hoping that, as you gallop near
l'ou '11 maul them by your mad career—

I wonder why.

I wonder why, when

theatre Stalls,
Are '' papered'' by Pro-
fessionals,
And children arch in
Thespis' halls
Their gambols ply,
Why the Box-office has

the face
To offer me, who book

my place—
A'Stall that would the
Pit disgrace,
I wonder why.

I wonder why, whenever pressed

A little money to invest

In something which is quite the best

Affair to buy,
I always read next morning that
Not 7, but it (in parlance pat
Of City articles) was " Flat,"

I wonder whv.

Contribution towards Nursery
Rhymes.

{For Use of Infant Students in New School of
Dramatic Art.)

'Tis the voice of the Prompter,
I hear him quite plain;

He has prompted me twice,
Let him prompt me again.

THE PRETTY SIMPLETON.

[The Spectator warns men against marrying
simpletons, pointing out that " there is no bore on
earth equal to the woman who can neither talk nor
listen, and who has no mental interests in common
with her husband."]

When fair Belinda sweetly smiles,

And airily before you trips,
You 're captured by her artless wiles,

And must admire her rosy lips.
You know that she is very fair.

You see that she has splendid eyes ;
But ah, rash lover, have a care,

And find out if Belinda 's wise.

For beauty, trust us, is not all

A wife in these days should possess;
Her conversation 's apt to pall,

If she can talk of naught but dress.
She need not be too deeply read,

You do not want a priggish bride ;
But still take care the pretty head

Can boast some little brain inside.

In courtship all she said was sweet,

For you had died to win a glance ;
Her little platitudes seemed neat,

Breathed 'mid the pauses of the dance.
You would have felt a heartless fiend

To criticise, when by her side ;
Nor would the lady have demeaned

Herself to answer, had you tried.

But when you've won her for a wife,

And ante-nuptial glamour dies,
What food for matrimonial strife

Her crass inconsequent replies.
How terrible to find her dense,

And never grasping what you mean ;
You '11 think one gleam of common sense

Worth more than finest eyes e'er seen.

Days come when love no longer gives

Illusions as in hours of yore ;
And hapless is the man who lives

To find his wife become a bore.
Then keep, if you 'd avoid that day,

The wise Spectator's golden rule :
Don't be by beauty led away,

And choose for wife a pretty fool.

Ix the Times'' book advertisement column,
the S. P. C. K. announces the following new
publication:—
THE OUSE. By the Rev. A. J. Foster, M.A.

This, we suppose, is the first of a new un-
aspirated Arey Series. The next Volume
being The Ome, and, after that, Books of
Ighgate, A?nsted, Olloivay, and other Ills.

OTJR BOOKING-OFFICE.

The Baron recognises, with pleasure, the
actuality of the dramatic scenes In Cam-
bridge Courts, by Mr. Lehmann. The
dialogues during rehearsal at the A. D. C,

and of the Classic Play, are about the best of
the many best things in the book. Mightily
disappointed is the Baron with Mr. J. H.
Shorthouse's Lady Falaise, which, begin-
ning so strongly, ends so feebly. Powerful
it promised to be ; exciting it promised to be ;
but weak it becomes, and, now and again,
wearisome. Sorry for this is

The Baron de Book-Worms.

QUERIES FOE CANDIDATES (L.C.C.)

( What they may come to.)

As the County Council now has power over
the Tramways of London, will you pledge
yourself to see that smoking carriages, com-
fortable cushions, waiting-rooms at street-
corners, and constant civility, are provided
forpassengers ?

Will you abolish the irritating and nefa-
rious Ticket System ?

How long do you think it will be before the
electric light is universally established in
the cars ?

What is your view as to the provision of
suitable places for wet umbrellas ?

Will you at once vote for '' Free or Assisted
Locomotion " ?

If a wheel of your private carriage comes
off owing to skidding in the Tramway line,
will you pledge yourself not to bring any
claim for compensation against the Rates ?

Will you vote for the summary dismissal
of any Conductor who proceeds to count the
passengers after being informed that he is
f' full inside"?

Is it a fact that you have promised to in-
troduce " Pullman Palace Restaurant Cars,
with free lunches," on the Tram-lines? If so,
do you contemplate providing the cost out of
your own resources, or how ?

You state in your Address to the Electors
that you " are desirous of reducing the hours
of Tram employes to four a day, with two
months' holiday in the year, and of giving
a general rise of wages up to about £2 extra
per week." Will you kindly say how you
reconcile this desire with your expressed
intention to '' run the concern on the most
economical plan, so as to save the pockets of
the Ratepayers " ?

It is reported that you have pledged your-
self, if elected, to see that the Tram Con-
ductors "get their Saturday to Monday at
Brighton as a regular thing." How do you
propose to carry out this part of your pro-
gramme ?

Do you consider yourself justified, in face
of the above statements, in characterising
the rival Candidate for the Council as
"attempting to catch the Labour Vote by an
impudent combination of insincere flattery,
and fraudulent promises " ?