Punch: Punch (101.1891)

240

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[November 14, 1891.

ONLY FANCY!

Mr. Farmer-Atkinson, M.P., attending the American Methodist
Conference, has been supplying the United States with interesting
illustrations of House of Commons manners. Incidentally he

observed that Primitive Methodists,
members of which body were largely
represented in his audience, are
" impostors." This led to some
misunderstanding, and Mr. Farmer-
Atkixsox, M.P., found it necessary
to explain that he had used the
term simply in a Parliamentary
sense." We learn by special Zadkiel
telegram that, on emerging from
the Hall after the meeting, the
Rev. Hercules Ebexezer (Omaha),
bringing down his clenched list on
the crown of the hat of Mr. FARMER-
Atkixsox, M.P., altered its situa-
tion in a direction that temporarily
obscured the vision of the Hon.
Member.

" What do you mean ? " inquired
Mr. Farmer - Atkixsox, M.P.,
struggling out of the wreck of his
hat,

"1 mean it in a purely Pick-
wickian sense," said the Rev. Her-
cules Ebexezer (Omaha), with a
seraphic smile that disarmed con-
troversy. _

The German Emperor has lately
rearranged his scheme of work for
weekdays. From six a.m. to eight
Farmer Atkinson. A-iIi ne gives lectures on Strategy

and Tactics to Generals over forty years old. From eight to ten he
instructs the chief actors, musicians and painters of Berlin in the
principles of their respective arts. The hours from ten to twelve he
devotes to the compilation of his Memoirs in fifty-four volumes. A
limited edition of large-paper copies is to be issued. From twelve to
four p.m. he reviews regiments, cashiers colonels, captures fortresses,
carries his own dispatches to himself, and makes speeches of varying
length to all who will listen to him. Any professional reporter
found taking accurate notes of His Majesty's words is immediately
blown from a Krupp gun with the new smokeless powder. From
four to eight he tries on uniforms, dismisses Ministers and
officials, dictates state-papers to General Caprivi, and composes
his history of " How I pricked the Bismarck Bubble." From eight
to eleven p.m. His Majesty teaches schoolmasters how to teach, wives
how to attend to their families, bankers how to carry on their busi-
ness, and cooks how to prepare dinners. The rest of the day he
devotes to himself. On Thursday next His Majesty leaves Berlin
on his tenth visit to the European'Courts.

There is no truth in the report that the Lord Chaxcellor is
arranging a Christmas party, to which shall be invited, all the
members and connections of his family for whom he has found
places during his term of office. It is weil known that the accommo-
dation at Lord Halsbury's town residence is comparatively limited.

We regret to hear that Mr. Johx O'Coxxor, M.P. (known in the
House of Commons as "Long Johx"), has decided to retire from
political life. His personal experience during the Cork Election has
convinced him that no man over 5 ft. 8 in. can safely take part in
active politics.

"Bricks, dead cats, sections of chimney-pots, which new harmless
over the heads of the crowd, invariably struck me," said Mr.
O'Coxxor, toying with the bandage over his left eyebrow.

It is quite true, as reported in the newspapers, that Dr. Gutteridge
was not present when the hnal result of the polling in the Strand
was made known, and that it was explained to the reporter he had
been "called out to see a patient." The suggestion that the undertak-
ing of this hopeless contest was designed solely to lead up to this
incident, is one worthy only of the diseased imagination of a profes-
sional rival, who has no patients to call him out—even from Church.

It is stated (and has been denied) that Herr vox der Blowitzowx-
Tromp is about to retire from his supervision of universal affairs
exercised through the Special Paris YY ire of a contemporary. We
are glad to learn that this intention does not in any case imply
absolute disappearance from the European Stage. It is no secret in
diplomatic circles that the Herr has been approached on the ques-

tion of his ascending the throne of Bulgaria. His keen insight
into European politics has convinced him that this arrangement
would afford a settlement of an ever-ruffled question. He has, we
understand, stipulated that the Principality shall be raised to the
status of a Kingdom. " I have," he said to the Emissary of the
Powers who approached him on the subject, "been so long accus
tomed to associate with Crowned Heads, that in a Principality I
should feel like a fish out of water."

With his usual considerateness, Herr vox der Blowitzow>--Tromp
has recognised the inconvenience that woidd be imposed on his sub
jects, if, in daily use, they were obliged to refer to him by his full
title. He will, therefore, deign to be known on coins, postage
stamps, and in semi-official communications, as Tromp the First.

There is no truth in the report that, on behalf of Mr. Johx
Morley, Sir William Harcourt waited upon Mr. Chamberlain,
and asked him to name a friend; that the Right Hon. Gentleman
"mentioned" Mr. Jesse Collixgs; and that the two seconds have
arranged a meeting at Boulogne. The idle rumour doubtless arose
out of the fact that an acrimonious correspondence between the two
former friends has been carried on in the columns of the Times.

According to the newspaper reports, during the ceremony of
acceptance by the Prince of Wales, as President of Bartholomew's
Hospital, of "the portrait of Sir Sydxey Waterlow, the Treasurer,"
the portrait " occupied a prominent position on the platform, and the
Hon. Baronet sat immediately in front of it," We learn that this
arrangement led to some misunderstanding, people, on entering, not
at first knowing which was the portrait, and wffiich was Sir Sydxey.

ECHOES FROM THE LABOUR COMMISSION.

First Voice. I hear that you wish to give your evidence before this
Commission ?

Second Voice. Certainly, that is my desire. I am here to speak in
the name of my fellow-labourers, and-

First V. Yes, thank you, that will do. You are in favour of
Trade Unions ?

Second V. I am. I feel that when rich and poor meet in mighty
conflict, there is only-

First V. Yes, thank you, that will do. And you believe that
strikes are beneficial ?

Second V. I do consider them beneficial, most beneficial. I feel
that labour must have its rights, and that the white dove of liberty
has only to-

First V. Yes, thank you, that will do. And you are in favour of
arbitration ?

Second V. No, I am not. For when Dives meets the beggars,

then the cry of labour rises on the

stilly night, and-■

First 7'. Yes, thank you, that
will do. And m'ay I ask to what
trade you belong ?

Second V. I belong to none.
Every thinking and right-minded
man should care for his fellows
as himself. Like an eagle on a
snow - capped mountain, he

should-

First V. Yes, thank you, that
will do. Then may we ask, if
you belong to no trade, what is
your occupation ?

Second V. My occupation is to

talk, to-

First V. Yes, thank you, that
will do !

notice to probable irish Ob-

.iectors on Both Sides.—The
Novel that Mr. Punch so recently
praised, entitled ^Ym, is neither
Irish nor political. Both sides can
buy and enjoy it. A PameUite
author is thinking of adapting
Dickens, and bringing out a new
version of an old Christmas book,
I to be entitled Tiny Tim.

Paddy Rewski, the Pianist, makes his
bow, and escapes to America from an
enthusiastic audience, who might
have torn him into musical pieces at
St. James's Hall.

Old Times Revived. — The
New Lord Mayor. Gracious
EvANs!! "And," asks a middle-
aged Correspondent, "during this
Mayoralty will the Munching
House be known as Evans's ? "

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