Punch: Punch (101.1891)

November 21, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

249

" BY JINGO!"

[A Military Sketch according to precedent.)

Scexe—Sanctum of the Coming- General. To him enter Intelligent

Foreigner.

Intelligent Foreigner {politely). I trust you will forgive me for in-
truding upon you, but trie fact is I am very anxious to obtain a few
useful bints for tbe Government I bave the bonour to represent.
Coming General [effusively). Ob, certainly. Only too glad to lay
down any work I may bave in band, to tell
you everything. Of course you bave been
over Woolwich Arsenal and the Dockyards,

and no doubt you bave-

Int. For. [interrupting). Yes, thanks, I
have seen everything, and had everything
explained to me. I do not believe that
there is a single official secret that has not
been revealed to me in the kindest manner
possible.

Com. Gen. [heartily). Come, that is as it
should be ! We like to tell the whole world
what we can do.

In. For. [drily). Exactly, and teach your
A Call to Arm3! - neighbours how' to do it ?
Com. Gen. [gazing at his neglected work). But if you know
everything, why do you come to me ?

In. For. Well, I thought if I got it first hand from tbe Commander
of tbe Future, it would strengthen the opinion I have already formed
of the unpreparedness of the British Empire. For I take it that the
British Empire is unprepared ?

Com. Gen. [amused). Why, certainly! I thought everybody
knew that! If war were declared now, according to all the rules of
the game, we ought to be absolutely ruined.

In. For. Dear me ! I am sorry to hear it! Bnt surely your Fleet
is fairly strong ?

Com. Gen. [laughing). What a joke! Oh, I dare say, ship for ship
and gun for gun, we are more powerful than any other nation. But
if hostilities broke out, our Fleet would be valueless. We should
want every vessel to guard our island shores, and our commerce and
colonies would have to shift for themselves.

In. Fo). [with concern). Dear me! This is very sad ! But then
you have an Army ?

Com. Gen. [with another burst of laughter). What! Call our
wretched force an Army ! Why, to quote a writer, whose letters
have been published in our leading journal, " Nobody could tell tbe
Secretary of State for War bow a force of forty thousand men, if it
had to be supplemented for defensive purposes by Volunteers, could
be supplied with ammunition for six weeks." Call our force an
Army ! Why, my dear Sir, the notion is absolutely ridiculous!

In. For. But does not such a state of things make you
uneasy ?

Com. Gen. Uneasy ! Of course it does ! Why, at a moment's
notice, this grand old country might disappear for ever! Why we
all feel that we are on the point of dissolution ! We know that only
a ninth-rate Power has to send a fleet to invade us, and we should
have to submit—that we should be absolutely effaced, and be known
in future as merely a geographical expression !

In. For. But surelv this is lamentable—demoralising ?

Com. Gen. I should rather think it was !—awfully demoralising !
— [Sound of telephone bell.)—But will you pardon me ? Some one
wishes to speak to me from Head Quarters. I won't be a second.

In. For. Certainly. Pray see what it is.

Com. Gen. [listening, and speaking through telephone). What!
Not really ? Hurray !

In. For. Why, what is the news ?

Com. Gen. [excitedly). Splendid! The Great Powers of Europe
have simultaneously declared war against us ! This will be grand !

In. For. [in a tone of deep commiseration). My poor fellow, this
means ruin !

Com. Gen. Ruin! Rot! [Through telephone.) All right, will
start to-night, and should be in Paris by Thursday, and at St. Peters-
burg at latest by tbe end of week. We can take Vienna and Berlin
on our way home ! I will be with the men at Portsmouth within an
hour. Never mind our baggage ; send it on afterwards.

In. For. [astounded). But what are you going to do ?

Com. Gen. [with determination). Going to do! Why give them
another thrashing ! By-by, no time for talking! See you again
soon!

[Exit hurriedly to beat the foe, and, strange to say, the object is
subsequently attained—somehow !

Ax Anti-Oxionist Liberal.—Mr. Leake lately made a radically
plucky speech, and is in future to be known in the North as Cocky
Leakey.

OUR FINANCIAL COLUMN.

Telegraphic Address. — " Crcesus," Everywhere.

Of course I knew perfectly well what would happen after I had
put forth tbe programme of my financial operations. I said at the
time to my friend Gus Brumiiagem, "Mark my words," I said,
" I shall have all the Crowned Heads of the world grovelling at my
feet and inrploring, actually imploring me to allow them to hand
over their money and their ancestral regalia to me for investment.
They 're bound to do it. I know the beggars well, and a more grasp-
ing lot you couldn't find within a day's march of Holloway Gaol."
Dear old Gus (Beau Gus he is always called on account of bis
singularly attractive appearance) went so far as to pooh-pooh what I
said. I don't bear him any ill-will. Gus was always a bit of a
courtier, and got bis head turned for good, when the Japanese Prince
Chi Ik ah invited him to stay a week at his country house, and to
act as godfather to the infant prince, Ka Chookah, the necessary
ceremony having been postponed for six months in order to allow Gus
to get there in time. That, as I say, was the ruin of Gus, and since
that time he has had an offensive way of giving himself not merely
airs, but what I may call regular blasts in the company of men better
than himself. He ought to recollect that he owes his start in life to
the lucky chance that threw him in my way. If I hadn't appointed
him Chairman of the Turp, Pin and Bolt Companv, and Managing
Director of tbe New Gatefringe Syndicate, Limited, he might still
be engaged in sweeping out the tenth-rate office which was formerly
the scene of bis labours. But I never expect gratitude. I am con-
tent to do good to my fellow-creatures without tbe least hope of
merely temporal reward. On this particular occasion I was right, as
usual. Telegrams stamped with the coats-of-arms of all the principal
dynasties of the world have been inundating me. For instance,
H. R. H. tbe Hereditary Grand Duke of Leibweh has wired to me
in the following terms, of which I have caused an accurate trans-
lation to be executed by my staff of paid short-hand clerks :—" Have
on my faithful and with-joy-inspired subjects a tax of ten reichsgulden
each after great on the part of my ministers reluctance imposed.
Invest proceeds for me in irrm*
tbe best to your wisdom 1^fie8^
known company, and with- J^JLwL- S f-

out delay. Perfect confi- ^M^fflSfe^ /&>

dence." Now I can assure * TjjSsfP1

His Royal Highness, who tfjj&m wW^

will look in vain for any ' . ||Lj£»h)
other answer than this, that ( W^*>r£ik\M>
no power on earth, and least „ :
of all the cajoleries or men- - . ^§|§li||l||5sf
aces of the great and highly- -\'t3=B&r^£tt
placed shall induce me to - .'• ^f^ffk. ~

depart by one jot or tittle _j_ : ^^MMM^^^f^
from the course I have ~ /SZ'™*Wfr^
marked out for myself. And r'^rV- ^Imm
1 take this occasion to assure jjjjjjtt! ..■VW'-* jjllBjk [
all other potentates that I '^^i-i!^^^eSB|k -
do not propose by any effort ~_ •'"' r.": ^sH^la
of mine to bring wealth to -"S ~;-''!;••;'• TSjja i'/SP {
the foreigner. The welfare r " - j£3r vdlpTi)
of the British people is my —Jfir "'Jy

only care. For them, but - -_:- Jj^t' J&.u -^t?*^' ~
for no others, my investments siSsfe^*^^^ ~~~ ^

are open ; to them alone I ^*ss"

devote my unrivalled experience. And after this I trust I thill be
troubled with no further importunities from abroad

I have to announce this week that I have formed The Croesus Club
Company. I bave, at immense expense, secured a splendid site in
the very heart of tbe fashionable quarter of London. Building
operations will begin immediately, and within the next three weeks
tbe members will be housed in a Club-house unrivalled for comfort
and luxury. Ten French chefs will preside over the kitchen, and
house dinners at a minimum price of £5 a-head will be served in tbe
Ruby Hall to tbe strains of tbe Brass Potsdammer Buben Hussar
Band, specially retained for the exclusive service of the Club. Tbe
first list of members will consist of 2000, and, in order to insure
exclusiveness, tbe subscription will be fixed at £500 without any
entrance fee. A list of the Provisional Committee, containing a
Duke as Chairman and four Peers as ordinary members, will be
issued at once. I have the authority of the Committee to receive
subscriptions.

I may point with pride to the fact that all the investments recom-
mended by me bave prospered, and the list of British millionnaires
has been heavily increased. Canadian Boodlers fairly firm, but with
a tendency to cross the border-line. No returns. I say, "SeU."
M. T. Coffer Co. not very promising. (294 stk. ; lira, pref., 19;
mortg. deb., 44.) Clear out, if possible. Tight Rates Ry. Co. must
be bought. But enough of this. All that is necessary is that
correspondents should send remittances. The rest may be left to me.

Crcesus.