Punch: Punch (101.1891)

Novembeb 28, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI._261^

lowing day, so as to place it in everybody's power to
take the cake, if he wants to. Croesus.]

I have little more to add this week, but I think it
only right to hint that I am engaged in perfecting the
details of a scheme which will revolutionise finance. I
am not allowed, at present, to enter into full particu-
lars, but I may say that I have been in close conference
with the very highest person in the world of finance,
and that he is to submit my plan to the next Cabinet
Council. Briefly, when my scheme is floated, Consols
will immediately go to par, and will be converted into
a security bearing ten per cent, interest—and this
without a single penny being added to the tax-payers'
burdens. I have been authorised by the officials of the
Treasury to receive any investments that my readers
may offer. Now, therefore, is your time. Next week
I may have to take a short holiday, owing to the strain
on my nerves, caused by my numerous anxieties. But the
good work will go on as before. " Gbcesus London."

Jones, shooting in new Boots, is knocked oft Six Miles from Home, and

ACCORDINGLY IS TOLD OFF TO "Mark" FOR THE PARTY. WlND N.N.E.,
VERY FRESH. THERMOMETER 28°.

OUR FINANCIAL COLUMN.

I have been forced by the enormous increase of my business to take larger
offices, and to engage two hundred additional clerks to carry on my immense
correspondence. I merely mention this as it may be satisfactory to my count-
less well-wishers. But of course the old address—" Crcestjs : London " will still
find me. I publish below a selection from the letters received during the week.

(1.) Sir,—You informed me in a private communication, that the Patent
Spills Manufacturing Co. stock was a splendid investment. Acting on this, I
bought. From that moment, Spills have fallen steadily. Kindly explain.

Tours, Indignant.

[To this I can only answer, that the complaint is ludicrous, and prepos-
terous. If you had bought on the day I advised, and sold out ten minutes
afterwards, you would have realised a handsome profit of one farthing a share.
Moreover, how can anything fall steadily ? I never did, which shows what
a fool "Indignant" must be. Croesus.]

(2.) Sir,—I send £22,000 19s. 8fr7., which I wish tied up as tightly as possible
in the Unlimited Packthread Stock Company, which you say is as safe as a
house. Let me know which particular house you mean. The money belongs
(or belonged) to my Maiden Aunt. Yours sincerely, Balik Rash.

[Consider it done, my dear Sir; consider it done. I return the^ three far-
things, for which I have no possible use. The rest is invested. Transfers
await your signature at my new office. Crcestjs.]

(3.) Sir,—I have saved £-1 5s. 2d. during the last twenty years, and now
send it to you in the Automatic Toast and Muffin Distributor Co., which I see
guarantees a return of 500 per cent., with an anticipated increase of 200 per
cent, from the sale of concessions in suburban districts. " The Muffins, " you
say, "will always be kept at toasting point, and, by a novel and ingenious
arrangement, a perpetual supply of the best butter will spread itself over every
Muffin as it is distributed to the Public." I like this very much. Pray,
therefore, place me on toast to the enclosed amount.

Yours, One in the Slot.

LHave done what you wish. You have already cleared profit of over £500. We
shaU add buns and crumpets to our business to-morrow, and tea-cakes on the f ol-

GLORY AT THE LOWEST PRICE.

[There is nothing whatever to hinder a civilian from orga-
nising and managing an efficient army, and there are at any given
moment a score of men in the City of London, who could carry out
the work with perfect ease.—Daily Paper, November 19, 1891.]

Scene—The Army Universal Provision Company Limited
{Managing Director, Mr. Blackley,). Enter Pecruit in
Department No. 1. He looks round him surprised at the
Misiness-like activity that greets him on every side.

Foreman {politely). Anything I can do for you, Sir, to-
day ? We have an assortment of Queen's Shillings fresh
from the Mint. Curiosities, Sir, quite out of date, but
interesting. Can I tempt you ?

Recruit {with some hesitation). Well, I thought of
joining the Army, and-

Foreman {interrupting). Certainly, Sir. Doctor in that
room. Magistrate in that. Be medically passed and sworn
to allegiance while you wait. (Ushers Recruit into various
Departments—icJience he emerges duly enrolled.) And now,
Sir, which branch of the Service would you like to see ?

Recruit. Well, I did think of the Tenth Hussars.

Foreman {promptly). Quite right, Sir. First-class Re-
giment, commanded by His Royal Highness Field Marshal
the Prince of Wales. {To Assistant.) Show this gentleman
the way to the outfitting-room—Tenth Hussars.

[Recruit in less than no time is fitted out. On his
return to the Central Hall he is once more greeted
by a principal official.

Foreman. Now, Sir, you would like to learn your drill ?

Recruit. WeU, yes-

Foreman. Quite so. We teach it in six easy lessons,
at twelve shillings a lesson. You can pay for it either out
of your reserved pay, or now. If the latter, we allow five
per cent, discount.

Recruit {without hesitation). I think I will pay it later.

Foreman {putting up his receipt-book). Certainly, Sir.
No difference to us. And now, Sir, perhaps you will take
your lessons.

[Recruit goes through a course which soon puts him
to-rights. At the end he shakes Foreman warmly
by the hand.

Recruit. You are sure that I really know my drill ?

Foreman. Quite. Why, Sir, you are letter perfect.
And now, is there anything more we can do for you ?

Recruit. Well, I did join the Army with the intention
of going to the wars.

Foreman {apologetically). Very sorry, Sir, but we
haven't the article on hand just at present. Sure to have
some by-and-by. Is there anything else we can do for
you, Sir ?

Recruit. Well, failing a war, I should like a passage
to India.

Foreman {in a deprecatory tone). Well, Sir, frankly,
we cannot recommend it. But if you have made up your
mind, we must ask you to step over to the Waste De-
partment. They settle such-like matters there. See
over yonder, Sir, where that venerable General on
crutches is. He has just got a Colonelcy, but he can't
hold it very long, as he is over eighty! And now I
must say adieu, as I have other pupils claiming my
assistance. Good day!

[Starts off, and prepares food for powder in other
quarters. Curtain.