Punch: Punch (101.1891)

288 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [December 12, 1891.

" You want to know why we are all starving, and why we are so
much worse off than you, although we were educated at the
same Board School ? I will tell you. It was because you very wisely
made up your minds to follow the occupations of your fathers. You
became builders, bakers, coal-heavers and paviors."

"Ah, we did that," sighed out the elderly workman, " because
we were too backward to attempt anything better. We were not
clever people like you! We couldn't play the piano, and paint and
swim, and go in for chemistry, We were not clever enough, and
had to put up with passing a very low standard."

" Thank your lucky stars it was so," exclaimed the chemist, with
tears in his eyes, " for your fate is happier than ours. We are all
fifth-rate, and can do nothing else. We have no chance against those
who have been born to this kind of thing, and we have forgotten how
to do your work. So we are starving, and-"

But here the old man was interrupted by a policeman, who ordered
all of them to move on. And on-they moved. Half one way and
half the other.

OUR OWN FINANCIAL COLUMN.

" Croesus " has vanished! We can scarcely find it in our heart
to add anything to this distressing statement; but for the sake of
our readers whom he may have induced to patronise his financial
schemes, we give a few slight details of the disaster.

Four days ago enormous piles of letters began to arrive at our
office. They were addressed to " Croesus," and had been sent on to

us from his
last address
marked
' gone away;
try office of
Pimch." We
opened them.
They were
all threaten-
ing letters.

"Why,"
wrote one
angry gentle-
man, "have
I heard no-
thing from
you since I
sent you my
cheque for
£ 1 0,0 0 0?
Unless I re-
ceive a reply
within a
week, legal
proceedings
will be ta-
ken." The
rest were
similar in
tone. There-
upon we re-
solved to call
at the last ad-
dress given
to us by
" Croesus."
It was some-
where in the
Mile End
Road. We
arrived, en-
tered, as-
cended the
stairs, and
found in a
dingy back

Portrait of " Croesus." bed - room,

three used half-penny stamps, a false nose, a pair of whiskers, and a
large sheet of paper on which were written only these words : " Sold
Again"—which obviously referred to some financial scheme or other.
On inquiring of the landlady, we heard that her lodger had departed
two days before, taking with him two large and heavy wooden
chests. He had promised to return. We then consulted the police.
They are very reticent, but consider they have got a clue.

And here we owe it to our readers to make a confession. We have
never set eyes on " Croesus." We engaged him entirely on the
strength of the most glowing recommendations from a whole bevy of
Bank-Managers, including the Managers of the Bank of Lavajelli,
of the Pei-ho Provinces, of Samarcand, of Ashanti and of Dodge

County, U.S.A. All these gentlemen wrote in the most compli-
mentary terms of " Crcestjs." "He is a man," wrote the Manager
of the Dodge County Bank, " whom I have had the honour to know
intimately for a considerable number of years. Indeed, we were
educated together, and not a day has passed since then without
our meeting. I beg to state that I consider him thoroughly fitted
for the responsible position of financial director of a high-class
Metropolitan paper. His personal appearance is aristocratic and
prepossessing, his manners have about them a distinction which
impresses all who meet him, and his dress, though modest, is always
pleasing. His complete command of twenty-four languages must be
of the bighest advantage to him in unravelling the tangled skein of
international finance." Acting upon such testimonials we engaged
"Croesus." We have now reason to believe that we have been
made the victims of a gross and cruel deception. An expert in
handwriting, whom we have consulted, gives it as his opinion, that
every single one of these recommendations is in the handwriting of
"Croesus" himself, and the police, after protracted inquiries, have
assured us that the. Banks, whose supposed managers addressed us in
favour of " Croesus," never had any actual existence at all.

All we can do now is to assist justice by publishing herewith
the photograph of " Crcesus." We apologise to all whom he may
have deceived, but we do not hold ourselves responsible for any
damage he has caused. We shall publish no more financial
contributions in the meantime. Ed.

ENGLISH AS SHE IS SUNG.

Mr. Punch, Sir,—If I start a butcher's business, and give my shop
the special title of The Welsh Meat Shop, is the great British Public
so narrow-minded as to expect me to sell them only Welsh meat, the
produce of Welsh farms only ? If so, the
Public, with all due respect, is a hass. For
if I who have to live,—though perhaps others
may not see the necessity for my existence,—■
by my trade, find that the Welsh meat,
which the Public had expected to be ready
and waiting, is not forthcoming, only one of
two things can I dt ; the one is to shut up
shop (which I won't), and the other is to
provide my intending customers with French,
Indian, English, Irish, Scotch, American,
Australian, New Zealandian, Cape Colonial,
in fact with any meat I can get from any-
where, and as long as it is toothsome, and I
can afford to sell it at an average price, why should it not be sold
at my Royal Welsh Meat Shop ?

When I call my shop The Royal Welsh Meat Shop, do I thereby
bar myself from dealing in English or foreign meats ? Do I bar
myself from dealing in Indian pickles or China oranges ? No,
certainly not; nor do I bar myself from selling neckties, gloves,
ginger-beer, and Brazil nuts. So, when a House of Musical Enter-
tainment is styled The English Opera House, it must be understood,
"all to the contrary nevertheless and notwithstanding," to mean
an English House where Opera may be performed, and not a Theatre
Avhere only English Opera is Housed. "My soul can not be fettered,"
as the poet says,—what poet, I don't know and don't care, but he said
it, whoever he was, and he tens right. If there is no English Opera
for my House, then I get a French Opera, or a Dutch one, just as at
an oyster-shop—but perhaps this is not quite the illustration I should
like," as, at au oyster-shop, they do ask you which you will have,
" Natives," or "Seconds," or "Anglo-Dutch" ; and, when you can't
afford Natives, you put up with an inferior quality at a lesser price.
But if that oyster-seller called his shop_ " The Native-Oyster Shop,"
should I have any ground of action against hini for selling any other
oysters except Natives? No. But then he would ask me "If I
wanted Natives or not'r " And if I said "Yes," he would give me
Natives. Now I admit I do not ask the Public at the doors Which will
you have? because I may not be able to have an English Opera always
on tap, so to speak. Metaphors a bit confused, but you know what I
mean. If I had a few English Operas on tap I might turn 'em on,
say, on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays: English Opera by English
Composers on those days, and on the other days, any Operas by any
Composers. But if the Public won't come on the English Opera
nights, and will come on the other nights ? What then ? Why
obviously I must keep my Natives (if I have any) in a barrel, and
deal only with the foreign supply. Blame not the Bard "—I mean
blame not the patriotic man of business, but let our cry be " Art for
Art's sake, " and the English Opera for ever ! that is, as long as Art
and English Opera pay. Yours,

A Manager First and Anything- You Like Afterwards.

Latest from Shotshire.—The only appropriate beverage for a
Sportsman out shooting,—why " Pop " to be sure.

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