Punch: Punch (101.1891)

December 19, 1891.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

291

Thy Tillage Council, Cottage cosy,

Present in sooth a prospect rosy,

But promises so oft are rotten;

I've oft been wooed—and oft forgotten !

Free vote, fair rating, open school,
Good wage, intelligent self-rule,—
These are enticements me would move
To live with thee and be thy love.

If thy zeal last, if love, indeed,
Fire thee my hapless lot to heed ;
Then such delights my mind shall move
To live with thee and be thy love.

A Lost Opportunity.—During a recent
cause celebre in the Divorce Court the
petitioner was asked bv Sir Charles Russell,
Q.C, M.P , P.T.P.C., "Did he do anything r
to which the reply was, "He took up a salt-
cellar and threw the contents in mv face."
Mr. FraxkLockwood, Q.C, M.P., Y.P.T.P.C.
has been lamenting ever since that he could
not have appeared as amicus curies to point
out that this testimony, until flatly contra-
dicted, "must be taken as primd facie
evidence of a salting her."

CHRISTMAS NUMBERS.

After a Very Old Nursery Model,

One, two, crimson and blue ;

Two, three, treaclyness free ;

Three, four, gilding galore ;

Four, five, bogies alive ;

Five, six, spectres from Styx ;

Six, seven, angels from heaven ;

Seven, eight, big " extra plate " ;

Eight, nine, wassail and wine ;

Nine, ten, pencil and pen;

Ten, eleven, commercial leaven;

Eleven, twelve, "high-art" shelve;
Thirteen, fourteen, pictures of sporting ;
Fifteen, sixteen, ghost-stories, fixt een ;
Seventeen, eighteen, advertisements great in;
Nineteen, twenty, profit in plenty!

"WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST."-No. 5.

When, after Lunching sumptuously at a strange Hotel in a strange Part of
the Country, it suddenly occurs to him that he has left his Purse, with all his
Money in it, in the Matt, Train going North.

is it? Oh, here! [Reads.) "Even the cerements of the tomb
enveloping the form of the Ninth Goblin could not hide—nay, seemed
rather to bring prominently forward—the malignant expression of
the one-eyed face, with its crop of red whiskers, beetle brows, and
low receding forehead."

Lit. Asp. What's wrong with that ?

Pub. Wrong! Everything's wrong! There are lots of people
about with red whiskers and low receding foreheads, and they '11 all
bring actions of libel.

ILLEGAL FICTIONS.

Scene—Interior of a Publisher's Office, shortly after the trial of
Pinnock v. Chapman and Hall.

Publisher. "We have given our best attention to your Manuscript
of a three-volumed novel, called—let me see, what did you call it ?
Oh, yes, here it is !—called, Haunted by Sixteen Goblins, and we are
afraid it won't do.

Literary Aspirant (painecB. "Won't do! ,

Pub. [calmly). No. Won't do a bit-at least, not in its present \?\ A$\?ui my G$hn ha*ml? 0ne ey?\ , w _
form. You see, you introduce a Pirate Chief, named Captain *ub'J*euvsk° TJ^Ji Bf> ^ S feDg
Wildfire, who lives at Singapore, and who murders the mate, the ™d P^ttmgr it back when the trial's over, if they thought it d help
steward, five seamen, and all the Passengers of the Jolly Seamew, l}em to ?et °ut ol "5- There, may be a fellow called Mr.

the vessel that he commands, and appropriates five million dollars 'Goblet somewhere, too Oh, no; it wont do at all. All the
belonging to his employers, the vessel's owners. i c^ers with the Ninth Goblm m must come out.

Lit. Asp. Quite so. I thought those incidents would be rather L ^. Asp. (aghast). But that would spoil the book-it would mean
exciting. They're so new. Do you object to the murders, or what ? iea^ln,§: 2ut h^ ot ^ , , „ , ,f T

Pub. Oh, dear no! But now this name, Captain Wildfire. P,f- Jes, it would reduce the bulk no doubt. In any case we
[Suspiciously.) Are you sure there is nobody whose name is at all could n°t produce it m a three-volume form. But we are bringing

like it, and -who also resides at Singapore ?
Lit. Asp. I took the name quite by chance. I've never been near

out a series of cheap fictions, and we might include yours.

Lit. Asp. [making the best of things). Well, some good books

Singapore in my life : "ave aPPeared in a shilling form

Pub. (relieved). Glad to hear it. One has to be so careful nowa- I , P,UP- je8/ ^ut 's not a 5™ng form we should propose. The
days. Here's an Army List-let us see if anybody called Wildfire I fa°* 1S' that there 13 a &reat run on PennJr Novelettes just now,
figures in it. Ha! What'sthis! " Major Wildman, 217th Hussars." . , .. , . , , , . .

(Gazes at Lit. Aspirant sternly.) Is your Captain Wildfire! 0.L!L ^sp (rising). And. you dare to propose bringing out the
intended as a caricature of Major Wildman, Sir, or is it not P j A'^f* Goblins as a Penny Novelette I •

Lit. Asp. [astonished). Why, of course not! I never heard of the ! Flf Certainly, and in view of the risk of actions for libel, you
man. would have to pay the printing-bill, and give us a contract oi

Pub. Very likely not. We should hear of him precious soon if
we published your novel as it stands.

Lit. Asp. But what reason is there to suppose this Major Wild-
man has ever been to Singapore ? And how can a captain of a
merchantship like the Jolly Seamew be confused with a Major in
the Army who has never commanded a vessel in his life ?

Pub. [doggedly). ALL very weLl; but the name must come out.
Then I don't like this description of the Ninth Goblin at all. Where

indemnity in case your Captain Wildfire did turn out to be identical
with some retired pirate who feels himself hurt at your description.
You don't think much of the proposal ? Well, nor do we of the book,
to tell you the truth. Ta, ta !

[Disappears into inner room. Literary Aspirant slowly folds up
his novel, and exit.

Motto for the Divorce Court.—Marry, and come up!