Punch: Punch (101.1891)

December 26, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

305

in Miss Trotter if she will attach the slightest importance to a
mere temporary—er—disfigurement. These swellings never do last
Ion?. Do they now ?

Podb. Oh, not more than a month or so, !I daresay, if you can
keep from touching them. {He laughs again.) Excuse me, old
chap, but I just got you in a new light. Those mosquitoes have
paid you out for that pastille—by Jove, they have !

Landing-steps entrance of the Hotel. Nine A.sr.

Culch. {coming out a little self-consciously, and finding Mr.
Trotter). Ah, good morning ! What are your—er—impressions of
Venice, Mr. Trotter?

Mr. Trotter {thoughtfully). Well, I'm considerable struck with
it, Sir. There's a purrfect freshness and novelty about Vernis
that's amusing to a stranger like myself. We've nothing just like
this city out West. No, Sir. And how are—{Becomes aware of
Cuechard's appearance.) Say, you don't look like your slumbers
had been one unbroken ca'm, either ! The mosquitoes hev been power-
ful active makin' alterations in you. Perseverin' and industrious
insects, Sir! Me and my darter have been for a loaf round
before breakfast. I dunno if you've seen her yet, she's-

Miss T. {coming out from behind). Poppa, they've fixed up our
breakf—{Sees Ccechard, and turns away, covering her face).
Don't you turn your head in this direction, Mr. Culchard, or I
guess I '11 expire right away!

Culch. {obeying, wounded). I confess I did not think a few
mosquito-bites would have quite such an effect upon you !

Miss T. You're vurry polite, I'm sure ! But I possess a hand-
mirror ; and, if you cann't bear to look me in the face, you'd better
keep away!

Culch. {takes a hasty glance, and discovers, with a shock, that she

is almost as much disfigured as himself). Oh, I—I wasn't- ( With an

effort of politeness.) Er—I hope you haven't been inconvenienced
at all ?

Miss T. Inconvenienced ! With haff-a-dozen healthy mosquitoes
springing a surprise party on me all night! I should guess so.
{Noticing C.'s face.) But what in the land have you been about?
Well, if that isn't real tact now ! I reckoned I'd been dealt a full
hand in spots ; but now I've seen you, I guess there's a straight
flush against me, and I can just throw up. But you don't play
Poker, do you ? Come along in, Poppa, do. \She goes in with Mr. T.

Culch. {alone, disenchanted). I could not have believed any
amount oi bites could have made such a terrible difference in her.
She looks positively plain ! I do trust they 're not permanent, or
really—■—! [He gazes meditatively down on the tapping water.

" WILLIAMS ON WHEELS."

[At Bridgend County Court, on the 16th inst., Judge "Williams had to hear
an action in which 507. -was claimed as compensation for damages caused by
careless driving. The evidence of one important witness having still to be
heard when the hour arrived for the Judge to leave by train, his Honour, with
the legal advocates and the remaining witnesses, travelled together to Llan-
trissant, the witness giving his evidences route. On reaching Llantrissant,
Judge Williams gave his decision in the station-master's oflice, finding for
the plaintiff.—Daily Paper.']

Scene—Interior of a Saloon Carriage, shortly after the innovation
started by Judge Williams, has come into general favour.
J udge seated on portmanteau at one end. Parties to suit glare at
each other from opposite sides. Usher, Witnesses, Counsel, &c.
_ Judge. Usher, that is the third time the engine-driver has blown
his whistle! Tell him that on the very next occasion I shall send
him to prison for contempt of court.

Usher. Yes, m 'lad. [Exit Usher.

Facetious Counsel. The noise is so deafening, we might even call
it a "part-heard case." [Laughter.

Judge. Well, let's get on. {To Witness.) You say you actually
saw the prisoner mix the arsenic with the Madeira ?
Witness. I did, m'lud.

Judge. Well, Gentlemen of the Jurv, perhaps we had better, as a
matter of form, have the prisoner before us. By the bye, where is
the prisoner ?

Usher {returning). I believe he's in the dog-box, m'lud. They
had to put him there, he was so refractory in the guard's van.

Judge. That shows the advantages of this new way of going
Circuit. A dog-box is just the sort of receptacle for a person
accused of murder in the first class—I mean m the first degree.
When do we get to Blankchester Junction ?

Foreman. In a quarter of an hour, m' lud, by my time-tables.
And I should like to say that most of the Jury wish to get out there
—they feel the oscillations of this carriage so much. If your Lord-
ship would sum up now-

Judge {with alacrity). Quite so. Blankchester is a convenient
place for me to alight, I think.

[Suins up lucidly in about five minutes, and Jury at once brings
in verdict of Guilty of Manslaughter.

Judge {surprised). Manslaughter, Gentlemen! Perhaps, after all,
I was wrong in not summing up in the Booking-Office. It would
have given time for more consideration. [Awful collision occurs.

Judge {at bottom of an embankment). Usher, Usher! I haven't
pronounced sentence yet! Bring the prisoner before me !

Usher {wounded). Beg your Lordship's pardon—prisoner's escaped !

Judge. Escaped ? Well, I can sentence him in his absence quite
as well. Oh, dear, my back is bad! Those law-books came down
on the top of me, I believe. The sentence of the Court is that the
prisoner be imprisoned, when found, for three years.

Facetious Counsel {turning up from a heap of wreckage). As a
First Class misdemeanant, of course ?

Judge {catching the spirit of the joke). First Class ! No—Third
Class, for Portland ! [Left on Circuit,

ONLY FANCY!

Members of the House of Commons have read with a thrill of
interest Lord Henry Bruce's letter to his constituents, announcing
his intention not to offer himself for re-election in North West Wilts.
Full five years Lord Henry has sat in the House. He has rarely
joined in debate, but the manner of his occasional interposition was
always notable. He slowly rose, placed one hand in his trousers'
pocket, looked round the House and said nothing. Then, when the
Speaker was about to call on someone else, Lord Henny blurted
forth a few sentences, the end generally coming first, and having
apparently said about half what he meant to say, abruptly sat down.
But the House, with keen instinct, always recognised the heaven-
born orator, and knew his time would come. It has come with the
opportunity of writing this letter, which is full of beautiful things.
"I deprecated," says Lord Henry, reviewing his distinguished
Parliamentary career,'' the surrendering of an ancient dependency like
Heligoland, and which has since been strongly fortified, to satiate a
shadowy claim of the German Emperor to the Island of Zanzibar."
To satiate a shadowy claim is good. Space forbids quotation of more
than one additional sentence from this masterpiece. "Let me con-
clude by saying, that I trust whoever may succeed me in North-
West Wilts will wear Elijah's mantle with the same pleasure as I
have already done." What that means no man can say.

We are glad to learn that Lord Henry
Bruce's retirement from Parliamentary life
does not imply absolute withdrawal from public
affairs. Since the appearance of his letter, there
has been a rush upon him by able Editors and
Magazines. He has undertaken to write to the
Twentieth Century an Article on "Recent
Ministerial Appointments." Mr. Bowen
Rowlands, M.P., Q.C., has also been in com-
munication with him. " The very man for the
Welsh Pevieiv,1' says the enthusiastic Editor.

We learn from a reliable source that Lord
Henry Bruce has intimated to Mr. Akers-
Doeglas that, in the event of his being selected
to Move or Second the Address at the opening
of the New Session, he will appear in Elijah's
mantle. It is to be hoped Lord Salisbury,
offended, as he is understood to be, at Lord
Henry's frank criticism, will not ignore this
proposal. The House of Commons will be
much gratified to find itself relieved from the
monotony of the uniform—alternately Militia
Colonel and Post - Captain—which mars the
success of an interesting ceremonial.

The heading, "The Royal Engagement,"
which appears daily in two of the morning
papers does, not, as appears at first sight,
indicate warlike preparations in Royal circles. Editor of the

The allusion meant is to the Royal Betrothal. (1 yyeish_ Eeview."

Name Wanted.—There are a considerable number of Ladies'
Clubs, where matrons and spinsters can commingle. Now 'tis
proposed to start a Spinsters' Club, only Spinsters eligible. What
shall it be called ? Spinning is associated with Spinster, but recent
events at Cambridge make the use of the word somewhat objection-
able. How would "The Arachne " do? Or as Omphale assumed
the attire of Hercules, and tried to wield the club, why not
call one of these the Omphale ?

Old Song, Adapted to the Occasion {by one who wasn't asked
to the Marquis of Salisbury's party).—" I dreamt that I supped in
Marble Halls," &c, &c.