DOI Heft:
January 9, 1892
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17693#0034
24
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARL
[January 9, 1892.
CROSSED-EXAIYIINATION.
OLD STYLE.—Nervous "Witness about to leave the box, when his
progress is arrested by Counsel on the other side.
Counsel {sharply). Now, Sir, do you know the value of an oath ?
Witness {taken aback). Why, yes—of course.
Coun. (pointing at him). Come, no prevarication! Do you
understand the value, or do you
not ?
Wit. (confused). If you will
allow me to explain-?
Coun. Come, Sir, you surely
can answer Yes or No—now which
is it?
Wit. But you will not let me
explain-
Coun. Don't be impertinent,
Sir! Explanation is un-
needed. Mind, you have been
sworn, so if you donH know the
value of an oath, it will be the
worse for you.
Wit. But you won't let me
speak.
Coun. Won't let you speak!
Why, I can't get a word out of you. Now, Sir—in plain English-
are you a liar or not ?
Wit. (appealing to Judge). Surely, my Lord, he has no right to
speak to me like this ?
Judge. Be good enough to answer the Counsel's questions. I have
nothing to do with it.
Coun. Now, Sir—once more ; are you a liar, or are you not ?
Wit. I don't think that's the way to speak to me-
Coun. Don't bully me, Sir! You are here to tell us the truth, or
as much of it as you can.
Wit. But surelv you ought to-
Coun. Don't tell me what I ought to do, Sir. Again; are you a
liar, or are you not ?
Wit. Please tell me how I am to reply to such a question ?
Coun. You are not there to ask me questions, Sir, but to answer
my questions to you.
Wit. Well, I decline to reply.
Judge (to Witness). Now you had better be careful. If you do
not answer the questions put to you, it will be within my right to
send you to gaol for contempt of Court._
Com. Now you hear what his Lordship says, and now, once more,
are you a liar, or are you not ?
Wit. (confused). I don't know.
Coun. (to'Jury). He doesn't know ! I need ask nothing further!
[Sits down.
Foreman (to Judge). May we not ask, my Lord, how you consider
this case is being conducted?
Judge. With pleasure, Gentlemen! I will repeat what I re-
marked to the Master quite recently. I think the only word that
will describe the matter is " noble." Distinctly noble !
[Scene closes in upon despair of Witness.
NEW STYLE.—Arrogant Witness about to leave the box, when
his progress is arrested by Counsel on the other side.
Coun. I presume. Sir, that-
Wit. (sharply). You have no right to presume. Ask me what you
want, and have done with it.
Coun. (amiably). I think weshall get on better—more quickly—if
you kindly attend to my questions.
Wit. Think so ? Well, it's a matter of opinion. But, as I have
an engagement in another place, be good enough to ask what you
are instructed to ask, and settle the matter off-hand.
Coun. If you will allow me to speak-
Wit. Speak !—I like that! Why I can't get a rational word out
of you!
Coun. (appealing to Judge). Surely, my Lord, he has no right to
speak to me like this ?
Judge. Be good enough to attend to the Witness. I have nothing
to do with it.
Wit. (impatiently)-. Now, Sir, am I to wait all day ?
Coun. (mildly). i really venture to suggest that is not quite the
tone to adopt.
Wit. Don't bully me, Sir! I am here to answer any questions
you like to put, always supposing that you have any worth
answering.
Conn. But come—surely you ought to-
Wit. I am not here to learn my duty from you, Sir. You don't
know your subject, Sir. How long have you been called ?
Coun. J decline to reply.
Judge (to Counsel). Now you had really better be careful. I wish
to treat the Bar with every respect, but if you waste any more time
I shall feel strongly inclined to bring your conduct before your
Benchers.
Wit. You hear what his Lordship says. What are you going to
do next ?
Coun. (confused). 1 don't know.
Wit. (to Jury). He doesn't know! I needn't stavhere any longer.
[" Stands" down.
Judge (to Jury). May I ask you, Gentlemen, how you consider
this case is being conducted ?
Foreman of the Jury. With pleasure, my Lord. _ We were all
using the same word which exactly describes the situation. We
consider the deportment of the Witness "noble." Distinctly noble.
[Scene closes in upon despair of Counsel.
ROBERT IN A TOG!
Well, if we ain't a been and had a werry pretty dose of reel
London Fog lately, I, for one, shood like to kno when we did have
one. As for its orful effecks upon tempers, speshally female ones,
Well, it's about enuff to drive a pore Waiter, let alone a hard-
workin, middel-aged Husband, stark staring mad!
However, thank goodness, I've got one werry grand xception, and
he reglar cheers me up with his constant good humer.
I need ardly say as it's my old Amerrycan friend, who has cum
back to the Grand Hotel again, jest for to see what a reel London
Winter is like, and he bears it all, fog and all,
splendidly. He was jest in time to see Lord
Mare's Sho from one of our best front
winders, and if he didn't sit there and larf
away as the pore soddened and soaked perses-
sion parsed by, speshally at the Lord Mare's
six gennelmen with their padded carves and
pink silk stockins, I never seed a gennelman
larf. "Why on earth, Mr. Robert," he says
to me, " why don't they have it in the bewti-
fool Summer, for it's reelly a very splendid per-
formance?" To which I replied, rather
smartly, becoz I was naterally rayther cross,
Becoz it has allers bin held on the same honnerd day since the
rain of Lord Mare Allwine, who rained sewen hunderd years ago."
"And has probably rained ewer since," he larfingly replied, as he
went out.
He thinks London a fine place for Theaters, and went sumware
amost ewery nite afore the Fog begun ; but that rayther tried him,
speshally in the middle of the day; so he harsked me to tell him,
from my long xperience, what was the best posserbel Lunch with
which to fite agenst it. So I pulled myself together, and told him
one of my good stories :—" One of our werry best City Judges, who
is passed and gone, used to have a fat Buck sent to him wunce
a year by the Oeeen, from Windsor Forest. He didn't care werry
much for Wenson hisself, so he goes to Bring axd Rymer, wich is
potical sort o' name, but it is the Turtel Firm, and he xchanges his
Fat Buck for Turtel Lunches all through the cold, cold Winter, and
they kep him helthy and strong for years."
" Then bring me one of his Lordship's Lunches at 2 o'clock sharp,
to-day," said he, "and I'll try it." So I took him a scrumpshus
bason of thick Turtel, and a pint Bottel of Clicko's rich Shampane,
and he finisht the lot, and said, "Bring me xactly the same
splendid lunch ewery day the fog lastes." And I did; and he told
me as how it enabeld him to face it bravely.
Well, now for my foggy story. On that orful Toosday as ewer
was, I was a going to cross Cheapside near the Post Office, when a
stout elderly Lady arsked me to see her over, and, just as we got to
the Statty, in the middel of the road, down she fell, and dragged
me down with her. A most kind Perliceman rushed to our asist-
ance, and saved us both. I then, luckily, got her a Cab, and took
her home to-Square, and, after paying the Cabby jest what he
chose to arsk, she arsked, with a sweet smile, if I shood be offended
if she gave me jest a triful for praps saving her life, as she said.
I told her, as I was only a pore Waiter, I was used to tips and
strays; so she gave me a reel gold sovering, and a good arty squeeze
of the hand, and paid the Cabby to take me home, and finisht by
saying, " If you ever want a triful, Sir, you know where to get it."
And all I has to add is, that I thinks as my better art' mite have been
jest a leetel more grayshus, as I told her, with amost tears in my eyes,
of the graitfool conduck of the Lady of-Square. Robert.
Christmas in Germany. — "The beauties of Leadenhall and
Farringdon," said the D. 2\, "do not figure in ' der Hallen an der
Spree.' " But in England, during Christmas time generally, we were
" Hallen on der Spree." Rather!
"The Drama of To-day."—A Morning Performance.
NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures oi any description, will
in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule
ther^ will be no exception.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARL
[January 9, 1892.
CROSSED-EXAIYIINATION.
OLD STYLE.—Nervous "Witness about to leave the box, when his
progress is arrested by Counsel on the other side.
Counsel {sharply). Now, Sir, do you know the value of an oath ?
Witness {taken aback). Why, yes—of course.
Coun. (pointing at him). Come, no prevarication! Do you
understand the value, or do you
not ?
Wit. (confused). If you will
allow me to explain-?
Coun. Come, Sir, you surely
can answer Yes or No—now which
is it?
Wit. But you will not let me
explain-
Coun. Don't be impertinent,
Sir! Explanation is un-
needed. Mind, you have been
sworn, so if you donH know the
value of an oath, it will be the
worse for you.
Wit. But you won't let me
speak.
Coun. Won't let you speak!
Why, I can't get a word out of you. Now, Sir—in plain English-
are you a liar or not ?
Wit. (appealing to Judge). Surely, my Lord, he has no right to
speak to me like this ?
Judge. Be good enough to answer the Counsel's questions. I have
nothing to do with it.
Coun. Now, Sir—once more ; are you a liar, or are you not ?
Wit. I don't think that's the way to speak to me-
Coun. Don't bully me, Sir! You are here to tell us the truth, or
as much of it as you can.
Wit. But surelv you ought to-
Coun. Don't tell me what I ought to do, Sir. Again; are you a
liar, or are you not ?
Wit. Please tell me how I am to reply to such a question ?
Coun. You are not there to ask me questions, Sir, but to answer
my questions to you.
Wit. Well, I decline to reply.
Judge (to Witness). Now you had better be careful. If you do
not answer the questions put to you, it will be within my right to
send you to gaol for contempt of Court._
Com. Now you hear what his Lordship says, and now, once more,
are you a liar, or are you not ?
Wit. (confused). I don't know.
Coun. (to'Jury). He doesn't know ! I need ask nothing further!
[Sits down.
Foreman (to Judge). May we not ask, my Lord, how you consider
this case is being conducted?
Judge. With pleasure, Gentlemen! I will repeat what I re-
marked to the Master quite recently. I think the only word that
will describe the matter is " noble." Distinctly noble !
[Scene closes in upon despair of Witness.
NEW STYLE.—Arrogant Witness about to leave the box, when
his progress is arrested by Counsel on the other side.
Coun. I presume. Sir, that-
Wit. (sharply). You have no right to presume. Ask me what you
want, and have done with it.
Coun. (amiably). I think weshall get on better—more quickly—if
you kindly attend to my questions.
Wit. Think so ? Well, it's a matter of opinion. But, as I have
an engagement in another place, be good enough to ask what you
are instructed to ask, and settle the matter off-hand.
Coun. If you will allow me to speak-
Wit. Speak !—I like that! Why I can't get a rational word out
of you!
Coun. (appealing to Judge). Surely, my Lord, he has no right to
speak to me like this ?
Judge. Be good enough to attend to the Witness. I have nothing
to do with it.
Wit. (impatiently)-. Now, Sir, am I to wait all day ?
Coun. (mildly). i really venture to suggest that is not quite the
tone to adopt.
Wit. Don't bully me, Sir! I am here to answer any questions
you like to put, always supposing that you have any worth
answering.
Conn. But come—surely you ought to-
Wit. I am not here to learn my duty from you, Sir. You don't
know your subject, Sir. How long have you been called ?
Coun. J decline to reply.
Judge (to Counsel). Now you had really better be careful. I wish
to treat the Bar with every respect, but if you waste any more time
I shall feel strongly inclined to bring your conduct before your
Benchers.
Wit. You hear what his Lordship says. What are you going to
do next ?
Coun. (confused). 1 don't know.
Wit. (to Jury). He doesn't know! I needn't stavhere any longer.
[" Stands" down.
Judge (to Jury). May I ask you, Gentlemen, how you consider
this case is being conducted ?
Foreman of the Jury. With pleasure, my Lord. _ We were all
using the same word which exactly describes the situation. We
consider the deportment of the Witness "noble." Distinctly noble.
[Scene closes in upon despair of Counsel.
ROBERT IN A TOG!
Well, if we ain't a been and had a werry pretty dose of reel
London Fog lately, I, for one, shood like to kno when we did have
one. As for its orful effecks upon tempers, speshally female ones,
Well, it's about enuff to drive a pore Waiter, let alone a hard-
workin, middel-aged Husband, stark staring mad!
However, thank goodness, I've got one werry grand xception, and
he reglar cheers me up with his constant good humer.
I need ardly say as it's my old Amerrycan friend, who has cum
back to the Grand Hotel again, jest for to see what a reel London
Winter is like, and he bears it all, fog and all,
splendidly. He was jest in time to see Lord
Mare's Sho from one of our best front
winders, and if he didn't sit there and larf
away as the pore soddened and soaked perses-
sion parsed by, speshally at the Lord Mare's
six gennelmen with their padded carves and
pink silk stockins, I never seed a gennelman
larf. "Why on earth, Mr. Robert," he says
to me, " why don't they have it in the bewti-
fool Summer, for it's reelly a very splendid per-
formance?" To which I replied, rather
smartly, becoz I was naterally rayther cross,
Becoz it has allers bin held on the same honnerd day since the
rain of Lord Mare Allwine, who rained sewen hunderd years ago."
"And has probably rained ewer since," he larfingly replied, as he
went out.
He thinks London a fine place for Theaters, and went sumware
amost ewery nite afore the Fog begun ; but that rayther tried him,
speshally in the middle of the day; so he harsked me to tell him,
from my long xperience, what was the best posserbel Lunch with
which to fite agenst it. So I pulled myself together, and told him
one of my good stories :—" One of our werry best City Judges, who
is passed and gone, used to have a fat Buck sent to him wunce
a year by the Oeeen, from Windsor Forest. He didn't care werry
much for Wenson hisself, so he goes to Bring axd Rymer, wich is
potical sort o' name, but it is the Turtel Firm, and he xchanges his
Fat Buck for Turtel Lunches all through the cold, cold Winter, and
they kep him helthy and strong for years."
" Then bring me one of his Lordship's Lunches at 2 o'clock sharp,
to-day," said he, "and I'll try it." So I took him a scrumpshus
bason of thick Turtel, and a pint Bottel of Clicko's rich Shampane,
and he finisht the lot, and said, "Bring me xactly the same
splendid lunch ewery day the fog lastes." And I did; and he told
me as how it enabeld him to face it bravely.
Well, now for my foggy story. On that orful Toosday as ewer
was, I was a going to cross Cheapside near the Post Office, when a
stout elderly Lady arsked me to see her over, and, just as we got to
the Statty, in the middel of the road, down she fell, and dragged
me down with her. A most kind Perliceman rushed to our asist-
ance, and saved us both. I then, luckily, got her a Cab, and took
her home to-Square, and, after paying the Cabby jest what he
chose to arsk, she arsked, with a sweet smile, if I shood be offended
if she gave me jest a triful for praps saving her life, as she said.
I told her, as I was only a pore Waiter, I was used to tips and
strays; so she gave me a reel gold sovering, and a good arty squeeze
of the hand, and paid the Cabby to take me home, and finisht by
saying, " If you ever want a triful, Sir, you know where to get it."
And all I has to add is, that I thinks as my better art' mite have been
jest a leetel more grayshus, as I told her, with amost tears in my eyes,
of the graitfool conduck of the Lady of-Square. Robert.
Christmas in Germany. — "The beauties of Leadenhall and
Farringdon," said the D. 2\, "do not figure in ' der Hallen an der
Spree.' " But in England, during Christmas time generally, we were
" Hallen on der Spree." Rather!
"The Drama of To-day."—A Morning Performance.
NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures oi any description, will
in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule
ther^ will be no exception.