Punch (102.1892)

May 21, 1892.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 241

MORE THAN SATISFIED!

( With Mr, Punch's apologies to the Daily Telegraph's
" Academic Enthusiast.")

" SHE-Pantaloons ? seedy ? Now. do we look like it ?

The speaker was a tall, robust maiden with fair hair; on her knee
was an edition (without notes) of the ^Anabasis of Xenophon, and by
her side was Liddell and Scotfs Lexicon, in which she had just been
tracking an exceptionally difficult—but, let me hasten to add, a
perfectly regular—Greek verb to its lair. There were a considerable
number of roseate specimens of English womanhood in the library of
Girnham College, where, with some natural diffidence, I had
ventured to put the rather delicate question to which I received the
above reply.

For I had been much troubled in my soul about Sir James
Crichton Browne's recent deliverances with regard to the injurious
physical effect of the Higher Education upon women, and, as a
devoted—if hitherto unappreciated—admirer of the Fair Sex, I felt
I had a theoretical interest in the question, and was bound to verify

touch the ground as I sped swiftly from one to the other, still I
felt considerable relief when, on my urgent protestations that I was
fully convinced of their proficiency in this amusement, they were
prevailed upon to bring this pastime to a close.

We are breaking the rule of silence in this room," said the fair-
haired one. " And you do ask such a lot of questions! But, as you
seem curious about our athletic pursuits, come and I will try to
show you."

I crawled after my guide without a word, inwardly reflecting that
I was sorry I had spoken, and heartily cursing (though without
pronouncing it aloud) the very name of that eminent Physician,
Dr. Crichton Browne. She took me first of all to a field where a
bevy of maidens were engaged in a game of hockey.

_" We are keen on hockey," said my guide, and, as she spoke, a
girl, flushed and radiant, caught me across the most sensitive part
of the shin with a hockey-stick. No need to ask her if she felt well.
I limped away, and, in another part of the field, saw a comely and
robust maiden practising drop-kicks, utterly regardless of the fact
that I was looking on. I received the football in the pit of my
stomach, and the name of Crichton Browne died on my lips.

Dr. > Browne's views. _ The most obvious way of satisfying my | My guide smiled as she saw that I had taken in the scene that was

anxiety was to go to Girnham myself and being enacted under my very nose,

ask the lady students what they thought /CillP^31||N " Do you play cricket P " she asked, with something

about it, and so I did. _ jJllr^^ *n ner eves' I did n°t—DUt I was °y th*8

"I quite agree," I said, mildly, as I time m such condign fear of this young Amazon that

unwound my comforter, '' that your course ^^J^mMwA. I was really afraid to admit my total ignorance of

of studies seems to suit you remarkably >df^lll^ilw-'' ***T ^e sPor^ ^he ma(le me wicket-keep for her, with-

well. Quite a bevy of female admirable !^^^^^^^^0mlh ou^ Pa<^s> ^or an en^lre hour, at the end of which I

Cricht-! " ^^^^^^^^msUm readily assented to an invitation for further explora-

The effect was immediate ; an unmistak- M^^^^S^mmmiiiW i p tion.

able rush of lexicons—or were they Tod- j/^L^^BnSSS^^MW^ We went through endless passages to an endless

hunters?—hurtled around my devoted head ^^^^^^^^Wl^m gymnasium, and every now and then I came across

from the fair hands of disturbed and ruffled ^^^^^^n^^^m /Wz $k an Jnc^an c^u^ or a dumb-bell, wielded by energetic

girlhood. J^ffiwP^Jl^ iifc""^lL f'emale athletes. I should have liked to ask them

"Pray don't mention that person O^^^^^B^^ MHrnflwIlk whether they felt well, but I realised—only just in

again!" said my fair-haired interlocutor, Mm$im^- - wmwSmWj ^me — ^Da^ ^e questi°D. would have been an

and I thought I wouldn't. /^^^^^^^- y-N ^^HW impertinence.

"Well, but," I began, with heroic ^^^^^^^^^^ J ,^r~. "Are you getting satisfied?" said my

daring, as I laid aside my respirator, "as iSllllilf ) 7/y unwearied guide, with another of her

to weak chests now ?" <xr==" smiles, "or, do you still think we are a

I was interrupted by a paroxysm of ^illlllllp ^^^-^ puny misshapen race ?"

coughing, which 1 tried to explain, as my ^^^^^P^ "Quite satisfied!" I replied, faintly, as

young friends thumped my back with ^^^^w^^/ ) ^0^^^-^ ^ en(ieavoured to unclose a rapidly dis-

unnecessary zeal, was, owing to my having ^M^p/ \ colouring eye, "in fact, I begin to discredit

imprudently ventured out without my jP!!!!*/ (wmfc ~~^tV alarmist cry-"

chest-protector. As soon as I was able, mzfflyj TOwm \ Sh Before I could complete the sentence, I

I feebly hazarded the suggestion that, for jjm&W )Smm^y^^// found myself executing an involuntary

growing girls, the habit of stooping over tWm^ ^^^ml&H^ parabola over some adjacent parallel bars,

their books seemed calculated to induce JllIP^ ^SsIgS-^ My young friend's brows had contracted

weakness in the lungs—but their roars of *^^L*^ , Cp ^n^° a frown- although she waited politely

merriment at the idea instantly convinced frJi / for me to pick myself up.

me that any uneasiness on this score was ^sms t/'O/C "I thought we agreed not to mention

entirely superfluous. „_ ., ± , „ that name!" she said, coldly.

You certainly all look remarkably I received the football m the pit of my stomach. I felt that any attempt to explain my

well," I observed, genially, " particularly sunburnt and brow

Here there was a roar of quite another kind. I endeavoured to
protest, as I got behind an arm-chair and dodged a Differential
Calculus and a large glass inkstand, that I hadn't meant to allude to
the obnoxious Physician at all, but had merely intended to convey

my hearty admir-

"I;know what you're going to say! " interrupted the fair-haired
girl, vivaciously. " And you had better not."

As she spoke, she raised me from my seat by the coat-collar with
no apparent effort, and deposited me on the top of a tall bookcase,
from which I found myself compelled to prosecute my inquiries.

"Nature has been very bountiful to you—very much so, I am
sure," I murmured, blinking amiably down upon them through the
spectacles I wear to correct a slight tendency to strabismus. Still,

don't you—er—find that your eyes-"

I got no further ; I thought some of them would have died '

How about the effect of learning on your looks, now ? " I next
inquired. " Is it true that classical and mathematical pursuits are
apt to exercise a disfiguring effect ? Not that, with such blooming

faces as I see around me—er—if you will allow me to say so-l"

But they wouldn't; on the contrary, I was given to understand,
somewhat plainly, that compliments were perhaps ill-advised in
that gathering.

" Are you—hem—fond of athletics ? " was the question I put next
from my lofty perch. " Do you go in for games at all, now ? "

" Of course we do ! " said the fair-haired girl, affording a practical
demonstration of the fact by taking me down and proceeding with
her lively companions to engage in the old classical game of pila or
(j<pa.ip«xTiKT)^t\\e recreation in which Ulysses long ago found Nausicaa
engaged with her maidens. On this occasion, however, I repre-
sented the pila, or ball, and although, in j ustice to their accuracy of
eye and hand, 1 am bound to admit that I was seldom allowed to

innocence would be received with quiet scorn. "I—I should like to
ask you just one thing more," I said, desperately, as I lay on my
back, "I am really entirely converted—quite ashamed. I do hope
you won't think me—er—inquisitive—but I have been so often told

—it has been so constantly asserted-" I found myself bungling

horribly in my desire not to offend.

" Pray go on," she said, " we try to be simple and sincere, and we
are always ready to satisfy an intelligent inquirer."

" Well," I said, desperately, "people do say that you all wear—er
—blue stockings. ButLI am sure," I added quickly, "that it is not
true "...

It was too late. When the friend who had smuggled me into the
building came to my rescue, he asked me, rather noisily, " if I was
feeling well ? " I replied that I was not, and that I did not think I
ever should again. And I never have.

TRUE MODESTY.

[A "West-end hosier advertises suits of Pyjamas in hi3 wiuduw &s "the
latest styles in slumber-wear."]

All hail, 0 hosier; deem me not absurd

That I should thank thee for so apt a word.

'Tis thus that Modesty our language trims ;

Where men say "legs" she softly whispers " limbs."

And, while they fume and rage in angry pother,

Stills the big D— and substitutes a " bother."

Speaks not of " trousers "—that were sin and shame;

" Continuations" is the gentler name.

Turns "shirts" to "shifts," and, blushing like the rose,

Converts the lowly stocking into " hose."

Thus thou, my hosier, profferest me a pair

Of these, the latfest style of slumbcr-wcar.

voi on.

Y