Punch (102.1892)

February 27, 1892.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

97

CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER.

character was lost, and all was ended with me north of the Grampians,
where the wickets are peculiarly suitable to my style of delivery.
As to batting, there is little that is pleasant to confess. As soon
V.—THE DUFILB, AI LlUUvLl. ^ ^ ^g j got a digtant view of a ballj T was ever tempted to whack wildly

To hear my remarks on the Cricket, in the Pavilion, you might < in its direction. There was no use in waiting for it, the more I
think that I had been a great player entirely, in my day. " Who j looked at it the less I liked it. So I whacked, and, if you always do

is that line old English sportsman," you might ask, " who seems to
have been so intimate with Mynn, and FullerPilch, and Carpenter,
and Hayward and Tarrant and Jackson and C. D. Marsham ?
]STo doubt we see in him the remains of a sterling Cricketer of the old
school." And then when I lay down the law on the iniquity of
boundary hits, " always ran them out in my time," and on the tame
stupidity of letting balls to the off go unpunished, and the wickedness
of dispensing with a long stop, you would be more and more pur-
suaded that I had at least, played for my county. Well, I

this, a ball will sometimes land on the driving part of the bat, and
then it usually happened that my companion, striving for a five or a
six, ran me out. If he did not, I did not stay long. The wicket-
keeper was a person whose existence I always treated as une
auantite negligeable, and sometimes the ball would bound off his pads
into the stumps. The fielders would occasionally hold a catch, any-
thing may happen. On the other hand there was this to be said for
my style of batting, that the most experienced Cricketer could not tell
where or in what direction I would hit any given ball. If it was on

have played for my county, but as the county I played for j the off, that was no reason why I should not bang it to square-leg,
was Berwickshire, there is perhaps nothing to be so very proud i a stroke which has become fashionable since my time, but in those
of in that distinction. But this I will say for the Cricketing j old days, you did not often see it in first-class Cricket. It was rather
buffer; he is your true enthusiast. When I go to Lord's on a | regarded as "an agrarian outrage." Foreigners and ladies would
summer dav, which of my contemporaries do I meet there ? Not the 1 find Cricket a more buoyant diversion if all the world, and
men who played for the Cniver- =-==^ especially Lewis Hall and

sity, not the Kennys and ______—ss^^fljUl Shrewsbury, played on my

Mitchells and Bittlebs, but the '^^-^^^^^-^ principles. Innings would not

surviving members of College ril'ft^3^^^^=^^i2E3:=:S*S^^ *as^ so ^on^- Not so many

Second Elevens in the old days of t?jPCIy <^2>k matches would be drawn. The

Cowley Marsh, when every man ^ IS /3p3s| fielders would not catch cold,

brought his own bottle of Oxford > % /||| $S|IEI| / ^\ To speak of fielding is to revive

wine for luncheon. These are I \(^^_»l,!^_^^||v I f^V^^i unspeakable sorrows. For a

the veterans who contribute most U "* 1 *> short-sighted man, whose fingers

to the crowd of lookers-on. They \ Jmrnml^^^^] ^ are thumbs, no post in the held

never were of any use as players, ^#f(^^^^^^^Mi *s exactly grateful. I have been

but their hearts were in the i^^^^^^^) a^ l°n?-le&' an(l, watching the

game, and from the game they ,<C . \ game intently, have perceived the

will never be divorced. It is an \jg ^^Sl \^l^llli^=3 ' ^ batters running, and have heard

ill thing for an outsider to drop S^^r---(fiB? -^^^^^^^^^S * y<~l!i\ cries of " well fielded ! " These

a remark about Cricket among us, f. •/ \i \ jmk>\ __fe-/TZTj^ cries were ironical. The ball had

at about eleven o'clock in a ^--^ W^ppM ' i ''^-w^—^^ been hit past me, but I was not
country house smoking-room. *f§Pw^lllflllPjl ^f^^^^P^'iMWlllll/i -fortunate enough to observe the

After that the time flies in a tC^'V^~^^^^A^^^PPn ss***^3»'^wlc ^^iiitll'IIIIITj'ii' " circumstance. A fielder of this
paradise of reminiscences, till 1/ ^^^^^^^Hf)^^|^^'\ sjS^^^^^^-IJ hi } !l mW calibre always ends by finding his

about 4 a.m. or some such "wee, U Im^. \ • §§H ' " \ 5^f||\ : •.-.>> ''/•'»' Wr way to short-leg. A prudent
short hour ayont the Twal'," if £ , 'Xy^So^ ^—V^s^^^^^^^T^H^—man can do a good deal here by

one may quote Burns without J|j fiq^lliQlfc V^x^llllll) n iti watching the umpire, dodging

being insulted by all the numer- /H\ /^.Ti sfi-JajBBr vX^^S^^^fes 1 when he dodges, and gettin

ous and capable wits of Glasgow. p|||\ ij___= EE- >^311IK ^Slllls. *behind him on occasion. But
Why is it that the Duffer keeps IIP If== ^1 iffi n^^^^V ~ was not prudent. I observed that
up his interest in Cricket, while Jjf. fljfZZ ^i^lm^s^^ /^&£%%k a c?r^ain player hit very much
the good players cease to care ' M \ § Wl ^S&s s^^^^^T behind the leg, so there, "in the
much about it? Perhaps their M, \ j| Wf/Ji fiS^f *^£z2&^ ma(^" °^ intellectuality," I
interest was selfish; his is purely " - \Jt£ \ jl |_^^ iwSI ^xz§s£®k privily stationed myself. He did
ideal, and consequently immortal. f^j*^ ^|<3|^&ta^^^-/^^s ^^^^W- . very nrLe' very fine indeed,
To him Cricket was ever an = M i /^^^ " \IHiiSr m^ e^e' e same niisfor-
unembodied joy of which he --^ Ox ___ /^^^ > - tune has attended me at short-
could make nothing palpable; " - — ifiiiF I > ^ si1011!*! have been a
nothing subject to the cold law of v. v.^ _ i "^^ ij^^Sk wicket, it was a black eye, or the

averages. Mine was 0'3. ^-^rf^^^BiA. o^aa^ AKAA.NN^W^^^S^St^'" ^oss °^ a ^00^a or ^wo) as niight

My own introduction to Cricket, ^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^gir*- happen. In fact, I sometimes

as to Golf, was peculiarly poig- wonder myself at the contemptu-

nant. I and my brother, aged vvVv^ - ^ v u v _ ^ ous frankness of my own remarks

more or less about six or seven, '-- *=S§I§1|8^ on the fielding at Lord's. For

were invited to play by the -*~t-^~^*_s> if a catch could be missed (and

local Club, and we each received most catches can), I was the man

exactly one very slow and considerate lob. But his lob took him on
the eye, and mine, kicking on a bad wicket, had me on the knee-
pan. The subsequent proceedings did not interest us very much, but
there is nothing like entering children early at a manly pastime.

Intellectual application will, to some extent, overcome physical
difficulties. By working at least five hours a day, and by reading
the Cricket FieM daily and nightly, I did learn to bowl a little,
with a kind of twist. This, while it lasted, in a bowlerless country,
was a delightful accomplishment. You got into much better sport-
ing society than you deserved, and, in remote parts of the pastoral
districts you were looked up to as one whose name had been in Bell's
Life; we still had Bell's Life then. It was no very difficult matter
to bowl a rustic team for a score of runs or so, and all went merry as
a wedding bell. But, alas, when Drumthwacket played Tullochgorum,

to miss it. Swift ones used to hit me and hurt me, long ones I
always misjudged, little simple poppy ones spun out of my fingers.
Now the unlucky thing about Cricket, for a Duffer, is that your
misfortunes do not hurt yourself alone. It is not as in a single at
Golf, it is not as in fishing, or riding, or wherever you have no
partner. To drop catches is to madden the bowler not unnaturally,
and to lengthen the period of leather-hunting. Cricket is a social
game, and its proficients soon give the cold shoulder to the Duffer.
He has his place, however, in the nature of things. It is he who
keeps up the enthusiasm, who remembers every run that anybody
made in any given match. In fact, at Cricket, the Duffer's mission
is to be a "judge of the game ; " I don't mean an Umpire, very far
from that. If you once let the Duffer umpire he could ruin the
stoutest side, and secure victory to the feeblest. I may say that, at

there Avas a young Cambridge man staying with the latter chieftain. | least in this capacity, I have proved really useful to my party in
I began, as I usually did, by "yorking" Tullochgorum's Piper and [ country matches. But, in the long run, my capacity even for
his chief Butler, and his head Stalker, and then Smith of King's came ' umpiring came to be doubted, and now I am only a critic of Cricket

m. The ground, as usual, had four sides. He hit me over the en
closure at each of the four sides, for I changed my end after being
knocked for five_fours in his first over. After that, my prestige was
gone. The rustics, instead of crawling about their wickets, took to
walking in and smacking me. This would not have mattered, if

There is none more relentless, not one with a higher standard, at
least where no personal feelings are concerned. For I have remarked
that, if a Cambridge man writes about an Oxford victory (which he
seldom has to do), or if an Oxford man writes on a Cambridge victory
(a frequent affliction), he always leaves you with the impression that,

any of the Drumthwacket team could have held a catch, and if the I in spite of figures, his side had at least a moral triumph. These
wicket-keeper had not let Smith off four times in one over. My admirable writers have all been Duffers.

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