DOI Heft:
February 20, 1892
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17693#0105
96 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [February 20, 1892.
THE PLEASURES OF SHOOTSWG.
After Luncheon the "Beating" is a little Wild.
"WEATHER REFORM.
Sir,—Acquiescence in the state of the weather is no
longer comme il faut. Bombarding- the Empyrean is as
little regarded as throwing stones at monkeys, that they
may make reprisals with cocoa-nuts ; yet the success of
the rain-makers is yery doubtful. Their premisses even
are disallowed by many considerable authorities. The
little experiment which I propose to submit to tbe
meteorological officials is founded on a fact of universal
experience, and, if successful, would be of immense
utility. Every smoker must be aware that the force of
the wind varies inversely as the number of matches.
On an absolutely still day, with a heavy pall of fog over
the streets, the striking of the last match to light a pipe
is invariably accompanied by a breeze, just strong
enough to extinguish the nascent flame. Now if two or
three thousand men simultaneously struck a last match,
the resulting wind would be of very respectable strength
—anemometer could tell that.
My proposal then, is this. When anticyclonic con-
ditions next prevail, and the great smoke-cloud incubates
its cletch of microbes, let some 5,000 men, provided at
the public expense with a pipe of tobacco and one match
each, be stationed in the City, at every corner and along
the streets, like the police on Lord Mayor's Day. At a
given signal, say the firing of the Tower guns, each man
strikes his match. Judging from the invariable result
in my own case, this would be followed by 5,000 puffs
of wind of sufficient strength to extinguish the lights, or,
better still, to give the 5,000 men some thirty seconds
of intense anxiety, while the wind plays between their
fingers and over their hands and round the bowls of their
pipes. Multiplying the men by the seconds (5,000 x 30)
you get approximately the amount of the wind, in wear
and tare and tret. If this experiment were conducted on
a duly extensive scale round London; say at Brixton,
Kensington, ELolloway and Stepney; there can be no
doubt that a cyclone would be established, and the fog
effectually dissipated. The cost would be slight, and the
pipe of tobacco would afford a welcome treat to many a
poor fellow out of work in these hard times.
Yours obediently,
The Cave, JEolian Road, S, W. Peter ppiper.
ROBERT'S CURE EOR THE HINELUENZY.
I hopes as I shall not be blamed for my hordacity in
writin as I am writin, but it's reelly all the fault of my good-
natred Amerrycan frend. He says as it's my bounden dooty to do
so, if ony to prove the trooth of the old prowerb that tells us, " that
Waiters rushes in where Docters fears to tread ! " He's pleased to
say as he has never bin in better helth than all larst Jennewerry at
the Grand Hotel, and that he owes it all to my sage adwice.
" Allers let Nater be your Dick Tater ! " In depressin times like
these here, keep the pot a bilin' so to speak ; and stand firm to the
three hesses, Soup, Shampane, and Sunlight.
The Soup must be Thick Turtel, such as Natur purwides in this
here cold seeson, not the Thin Turtel of Summer. The Shampane
must be Rich Clicko, or the werry best Pummery, sitch as you
can taste the ginerous grapes in, not the pore dry stuff as young
Swells drinks, becoz they're told as how it's f ashnabel; and the
Sunlight can ginerally be got if you knows where to look for it.
For instance now, in one of the cold foggy days of last month, my
Amerrycan frend said to me, " What on airth, Robert, can a gen-
tleman find to do on sitch a orful day as this?" So sez I, " Take
a Cab to Wictoria Station, and go to the Cristel Pallis, wark about
in the brillient sunshine as you will find there a waiting for you,
for about two howers, not a moment longer, then cum strait back,
and you shall find a lovly lunch."
And off he went, a larfing to think how he would emuse himself
when he came back by pitching into pore me. But it does so happen
as Waiters ain't not quite so deaf as sum peeple thinks'em, and I've
often 'erd peeple say, thatamost always, if you sees the Sun a trying
for to peep thro the fog, and see how we all gits on without him, a
leetle way out of town, on an 'ill, you will see him a shining away
like fun!
Well, xacly at 2'30, in cums my frend, a grinnin away like the
fablus Chesher Cat, and he says, says he, why Mr. Robert, you 're
a reglar conjurer! It was all xacly as you prosefied! I had two
hours' glorious stroll in the Cristel Pailis Gardings in the lovly
sunshine!
Hin ten minutes' time he was seated at a purfekly luvly lunch,
and a peggin away with sitch a happytight as princes mite cnwy!
In times like these, dine out reglar either two or three times a
week, and drink generusly, but wisely, not too well, and on receiving
the accustomed At,
think of the ard times
the pore Waiter has
had to pass through
lately, and dubble, or
ewen tribbel the ac-
custumd Fee. You '11
never miss it, but, on
the contrairy, will sleep
all the sounder for it.
Never read no ac-
counts in Noosepapers
of hillnesses and sich-
like, and keep a few
little sixpences in your
ticket pocket; then if
a pore woman arsks
you if you have a
penny to spare, say no,
but praps this will do
as well, and give her
a sixpence, and then
see her look of esto-
nished rapcher, aye,
and ewen share it to
some small degree.
Check a frown, and
encouridge a smile, and
the one will wanish
away, and the other
dewelope into a larf.
Let your principle vir-
tues be ginerosity and ope, and allers look on the brite side of ewery
think, as the Miller said to the Sweep. Robert.
A Human Paradox.—The man who gives away his friends
without losing them.
{C|r* NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will
in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule
there will be no exception.
THE PLEASURES OF SHOOTSWG.
After Luncheon the "Beating" is a little Wild.
"WEATHER REFORM.
Sir,—Acquiescence in the state of the weather is no
longer comme il faut. Bombarding- the Empyrean is as
little regarded as throwing stones at monkeys, that they
may make reprisals with cocoa-nuts ; yet the success of
the rain-makers is yery doubtful. Their premisses even
are disallowed by many considerable authorities. The
little experiment which I propose to submit to tbe
meteorological officials is founded on a fact of universal
experience, and, if successful, would be of immense
utility. Every smoker must be aware that the force of
the wind varies inversely as the number of matches.
On an absolutely still day, with a heavy pall of fog over
the streets, the striking of the last match to light a pipe
is invariably accompanied by a breeze, just strong
enough to extinguish the nascent flame. Now if two or
three thousand men simultaneously struck a last match,
the resulting wind would be of very respectable strength
—anemometer could tell that.
My proposal then, is this. When anticyclonic con-
ditions next prevail, and the great smoke-cloud incubates
its cletch of microbes, let some 5,000 men, provided at
the public expense with a pipe of tobacco and one match
each, be stationed in the City, at every corner and along
the streets, like the police on Lord Mayor's Day. At a
given signal, say the firing of the Tower guns, each man
strikes his match. Judging from the invariable result
in my own case, this would be followed by 5,000 puffs
of wind of sufficient strength to extinguish the lights, or,
better still, to give the 5,000 men some thirty seconds
of intense anxiety, while the wind plays between their
fingers and over their hands and round the bowls of their
pipes. Multiplying the men by the seconds (5,000 x 30)
you get approximately the amount of the wind, in wear
and tare and tret. If this experiment were conducted on
a duly extensive scale round London; say at Brixton,
Kensington, ELolloway and Stepney; there can be no
doubt that a cyclone would be established, and the fog
effectually dissipated. The cost would be slight, and the
pipe of tobacco would afford a welcome treat to many a
poor fellow out of work in these hard times.
Yours obediently,
The Cave, JEolian Road, S, W. Peter ppiper.
ROBERT'S CURE EOR THE HINELUENZY.
I hopes as I shall not be blamed for my hordacity in
writin as I am writin, but it's reelly all the fault of my good-
natred Amerrycan frend. He says as it's my bounden dooty to do
so, if ony to prove the trooth of the old prowerb that tells us, " that
Waiters rushes in where Docters fears to tread ! " He's pleased to
say as he has never bin in better helth than all larst Jennewerry at
the Grand Hotel, and that he owes it all to my sage adwice.
" Allers let Nater be your Dick Tater ! " In depressin times like
these here, keep the pot a bilin' so to speak ; and stand firm to the
three hesses, Soup, Shampane, and Sunlight.
The Soup must be Thick Turtel, such as Natur purwides in this
here cold seeson, not the Thin Turtel of Summer. The Shampane
must be Rich Clicko, or the werry best Pummery, sitch as you
can taste the ginerous grapes in, not the pore dry stuff as young
Swells drinks, becoz they're told as how it's f ashnabel; and the
Sunlight can ginerally be got if you knows where to look for it.
For instance now, in one of the cold foggy days of last month, my
Amerrycan frend said to me, " What on airth, Robert, can a gen-
tleman find to do on sitch a orful day as this?" So sez I, " Take
a Cab to Wictoria Station, and go to the Cristel Pallis, wark about
in the brillient sunshine as you will find there a waiting for you,
for about two howers, not a moment longer, then cum strait back,
and you shall find a lovly lunch."
And off he went, a larfing to think how he would emuse himself
when he came back by pitching into pore me. But it does so happen
as Waiters ain't not quite so deaf as sum peeple thinks'em, and I've
often 'erd peeple say, thatamost always, if you sees the Sun a trying
for to peep thro the fog, and see how we all gits on without him, a
leetle way out of town, on an 'ill, you will see him a shining away
like fun!
Well, xacly at 2'30, in cums my frend, a grinnin away like the
fablus Chesher Cat, and he says, says he, why Mr. Robert, you 're
a reglar conjurer! It was all xacly as you prosefied! I had two
hours' glorious stroll in the Cristel Pailis Gardings in the lovly
sunshine!
Hin ten minutes' time he was seated at a purfekly luvly lunch,
and a peggin away with sitch a happytight as princes mite cnwy!
In times like these, dine out reglar either two or three times a
week, and drink generusly, but wisely, not too well, and on receiving
the accustomed At,
think of the ard times
the pore Waiter has
had to pass through
lately, and dubble, or
ewen tribbel the ac-
custumd Fee. You '11
never miss it, but, on
the contrairy, will sleep
all the sounder for it.
Never read no ac-
counts in Noosepapers
of hillnesses and sich-
like, and keep a few
little sixpences in your
ticket pocket; then if
a pore woman arsks
you if you have a
penny to spare, say no,
but praps this will do
as well, and give her
a sixpence, and then
see her look of esto-
nished rapcher, aye,
and ewen share it to
some small degree.
Check a frown, and
encouridge a smile, and
the one will wanish
away, and the other
dewelope into a larf.
Let your principle vir-
tues be ginerosity and ope, and allers look on the brite side of ewery
think, as the Miller said to the Sweep. Robert.
A Human Paradox.—The man who gives away his friends
without losing them.
{C|r* NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will
in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule
there will be no exception.