DOI Heft:
April 9, 1892
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17693#0178
April 9, 1892.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
169
BOAT-RACE DAY.
The Reader will kindly imagine that he has crossed Hammersmith
Bridge, and is being carried along by a jostling stream of sight-
seers towards Mortlahe. The banks are already occupied—
although it still wants half an hour to the time fixed for the
start—by a triple row of the more patient and prudent spectators.
On the left of the path, various more or less Shady Characters
have established their " pitches," and are doing their best to
beguile the unsophisticated.
First Shady Character [presiding over a particoloured roulette
board with a revolving and not unmanageable index). Three to one
any colour you like! Fairest game in the world ! I'm a backin'
I'm a layin' . . . Pop it on, you sportsmen! {Two Sportsmen—a
eouple of shop-boys—"''pop it on," in coppers.) Yaller was your
colour—and it is a yaller cap, sure enough ! I'm a payin' this time.
Try it again! {They do.) Blue's your fancy this turn, my lord.
And green it is ! Good ole Hireland for ever ! Twenty can play at
this game as well as one! Don't be afraid o' yer
Bet arf a crown, to win five shillin's ! {A school-boy sees his way to
doubling his last tip, and speculates.) Wrong agin, my boy ! It's
old Billy Fairplay's luck—for once in a way!
[The School-boy departs, saddened by this most unexpected
result.
Fifth S. C. { a fat, fair man, with an impudent frog-face, who is
trying desperately hard to take in a sceptical crowd with the too
familiar purse-trick). Now look 'ere, I don't mind tellm' yer all,
fair an' frank, I'm 'ere to get a bit, if I can ; but, if you kin ketch
me on my merits, why, I shan't grumble—I'll promise yer that
much! Well, now—{to a stolid and respectable young Clerk)—jest
to show you don't know me, and I don't know you—{he throws three
half-crowns into the purse). There, 'old that for me. Shut it.
{The Clerk does so, grinning.) Thank you—you're a gentleman,
though you mayn't look like it—but perhaps you 're one in disguise.
Now gimme 'arf a crown for it. Yer won't ? Any one gimme
arf a crown for it? Why—{unprintable language)—if ever I see
sech a blanky lot o' mugs in my life ! 'Ere, I'll try yer once more!
{He does.) Now oo'll gimme arf a crown for it ? {To a Genteel On-
looker, with an eyeglass, who has made an audible
luck—'ave another go. Red did you put your % comment ) " See 'ow it's done!" So yer orter,
coppers on ? And it's yaller again—and you JB^^k ofek with a glazier's shop where yer eye orter be !
lose! {The Sportsmen pass on — with empty jB^lillbi CS^^A Well, if anyone had 'a told me T should stand
pockets.) Fairest game in the world! fS|^'-<^lii| 'ere, on Boat-Race Day too, orferin' six bob
Second S. C. {who has been conducting a Con- ^tM$^m fmm for arf a crown, and no one with the ordinary
fidence Auction from a barrow and egg-box). wm^s Mima pluck an' straightforwardness to take me at my
Well, I 'ope you 're all satisfied, and if you jufSSir MW§m word, 1 'd have suspected that man of tellin' me
ain't - {candidly)—it don't make no hloomin' ^^^^^^ftL^^ssssi^w^^ a un^ruth! {To a simple-looking spectator.)
difference to me, for I'm orf—these premises is j^^^^^^m^^^^^^^^ Will you 'old this purse for me ? Yer will?
comin' down fur alterations. M^m\^^^SS^^^rA.^^ Well I like the manly way yer speak up! (Here
[He gets off the barrow, shoulders the egg-box, V'^^^vKXl^^^^^^^ the Gent. Onl., observing a seedy man slinking
and departs in search of fresh dupes. ^^^^S^^^raMnR v about outside, warns the company to " mind
A Vendor. Now all you who are fond of a bit W^pSi^^^^^a^ \ their pockets"— which excites the Purse-seller's
o'fun and amusement, jest you stop and invest ^^^^BS^I^} \, /ws£ indignation.) " Ere ! - (to the G. 0.) you
a penny in this little article I am now about to jWHBp'^a&S*^^ \ take your 'ook ! I've 'ad enough o' you. I 'ave.
introdooce to your notice, warranted to make ^p|^^^._,__ \ You're a bloomin' sight too officious, you are!
yer proficient in the'ole art and practice of Pho- Ik.-. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^3 Not much in your pockets to mind—'cept the
tography in the small space of five seconds and a ^^^^^^B^^*^^^^^, . key o' the street, and a ticket o' leave, I '11 lay !
arf — and I think you'll agree with me as it f* *"^fp£f$'*'\ /^J&&» If you carn't beyave as a Gentleman among
ain't possible to become an expert photographer §M, -f|| - / .- Gentlemen, go'ome to where you'ad jour'air
at a smaller expense than the sum of one penny. j'^SrlSl^^-^^'M ' cut last—to Pentonville ! (The G. 0. retires.)
'Ere 1'old in my'and a simple little machine, mSMftj^^.-S^k ..a :^:yThere, we shall get along better without 'im.
consistin'of a small sheet of glorss in a gilt ^S^^^^^^^^B' --v^C^"^' ' '®w l°no are you goin'to keep me'ere ? Upon
frame. I've been vaccinated five 'underd-and- 1 - ^'p:'--'^^ ■ k;^^>'jT^ my word an' honour, it's enough to sicken a
forty-one times, never been bit by a mad dog in 8*/' '^^^^^^^S^^J^f man to see what the world's come to! Where's
my life, and all these articles have "W^^mmSSS^^^ 1^%^ yer courage? Where's yer own common sense ?
been thoroughly fumigated before • ^j^gJJ^SP^^^^^- Where 's your faith in 'umin nature ? What do
leaving the factory, therefore you'll ^^pfe^- ''■'''ttf^X^SE^ ^-i^/^ yer expect? (Scathingly.) Want me to wrop it
agree with me you needn't be afraid -J^iS^^'/f^ ^mMm^mpi-'J'yf. ' up in a porcel, and send it 'ome for yer ? Is
o' catchin' the Inflooenza. They tell ^^^gp^ tz/^^^^m^r^-^ *hat what yer waitm'for! Dammy, if this goes
me it's nearly died out now—and no '^^^^^^ m//^m^*^^S'y oni I shall git wild, and take and give the
wonder, with everythink a cure for it f^^^^^ uwW&W?$m bloomin' purse a bath! (The Simple Spectator
•—but this article is a certain remedy, ^^^^^^^r j|^jKf'' SwH feels in his pockets—evidently for a half-crown.)
All you've got to do is to bite off a ^^^^^^^ffy^M. Mfvlm 'Ere, you look more intelligent than the rest—
corner of the glorss, takin' care to be "^Ip^^*^ m mlSc mt^st' J^Sss^ I^ ^eT ies^ ^n*8 once- *^es^ to sh°w yer
near a public 'ouse at the time, chew * {it^^M ^^^^^^r'"?^ don't know me, and- (Shouts of " They 're
the glorss into small fragments, enter ^^^^^^^^ °ff- They're coming!" from the bank; the
the public 'ouse, call for a pot o' four illtlii&il^^ S ^ Purse-seller's audience suddenly melts away,
ale, and drink it orf quick. It ope- ^^^^^^"^ *Ay"' leaving him alone with the Seedy Slinker.) 'Ere,
rates in this way—the minoot portions ^&M§> jIM) we may as wevi turn it up. 'Ere come
of the glorss git between the jaws ^ss^ them blanky boats!
of the microbe, preventin' 'im from <£ I'm ole Billy Fairplay, Jam!" A Juvenile Plunger (with rather a complicated
closin' 'is mouth, and thereby enablin' book on the event). If Oxford wins, I've got ter
you to suffocate 'im with the four ale. {To the Reader.) Will you
allow me to show you how this little invention takes a photograph,
Sir ? kindly 'old it in your 'and, breathe on it, and look steadily on
the plate for the space of a few seconds. {All of which the Reader,
being the sold of courtesy, obligingly does—and is immediately re-
warded by observing the outline of a donkey's head produced upon
the glass.) Now if you '11 'and that round, Sir, to allow the company
to judge whether it ain't a correct likeness-
[But here the Reader will probably prefer to p>ass on.
Third S. C. (ivho is crouching on ground by a tin case, half
covered zvith a nig, and yelling). Ow-ow-ow-ow ! . . . Come an' see
the wonderful little popsy-wopsy Marmoseet, what kin tork five
lengwidges, walk round, shake 'ands, tell yer 'is buthday, 'is per-
cise age, and where he was keptured !
[Crowd collects to inspect this zoological phenomenon, which—as
soon as an inconvenient Constable is out of hearing—reveals
itself as an illicit lottery. Speculators purchase numbered
tickets freely ; balls are shaken up in the tin box—and the
popsy-wopsy invariably gets distinctly the best of it.
Fourth S. C. (an extremely disreputable-looking old gentleman,
with a cunningly curled piece of tape on a board). 'Ere, I'm ole
Billy Fairplay, Jam! Come an' try yer fortins at little 'Ide an'
Find! Arf a crown yer don't prick the middle o' this bit o' tape.
git a penny out of 'im, and if Kimebridge wins, you've got ter git
a penny outer me !
Crowd (as the Crews flash by). Go it, Oxford! Ox—ford! No,
Kimebridg-e ! Well rowed, Kimebridge ! . . . Oxford wins ! No, it
don't. I'll lay it don't! Splendid rycin'. Which on 'em was
Oxford ? The inside one. No, it worn't—they was outside. Well,
Oxford was leadin', anyway! . . . There, that's all over till next
year! Not much to come out for, either—on'y just see 'em for
a second or so. Oh, I come out for the lark of it, I do . . . There
goes the pidgins orf . . . We shan't be long knowin' now . . . 'Ere's
the Press Boat comin' back . . . There, wot did I tell yer, now ?
Well, they didn't orter ha' won, that's all-the others was the best
crew . . . 'Ere they are, all together on the launch, d'ye see ? Seem
friendly enough, too, considerin', torkin' to each other and all. Lor,
they wouldn't bear no malice now it's over!
[Crowd disperse, and patronise " Popsy Wopsy" the Roulette,
Ole Billy Fairplay, fye., fyc, with renewed zest.
Mrs. Eamsbotham is staying with her niece in the country.
Le is ]
id sa\
Crocus.
She is muoh delighted with the rich colour of the spring bulbs,
and say^s she at last understands the meaning of as rich as
vol on. Q
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
169
BOAT-RACE DAY.
The Reader will kindly imagine that he has crossed Hammersmith
Bridge, and is being carried along by a jostling stream of sight-
seers towards Mortlahe. The banks are already occupied—
although it still wants half an hour to the time fixed for the
start—by a triple row of the more patient and prudent spectators.
On the left of the path, various more or less Shady Characters
have established their " pitches," and are doing their best to
beguile the unsophisticated.
First Shady Character [presiding over a particoloured roulette
board with a revolving and not unmanageable index). Three to one
any colour you like! Fairest game in the world ! I'm a backin'
I'm a layin' . . . Pop it on, you sportsmen! {Two Sportsmen—a
eouple of shop-boys—"''pop it on," in coppers.) Yaller was your
colour—and it is a yaller cap, sure enough ! I'm a payin' this time.
Try it again! {They do.) Blue's your fancy this turn, my lord.
And green it is ! Good ole Hireland for ever ! Twenty can play at
this game as well as one! Don't be afraid o' yer
Bet arf a crown, to win five shillin's ! {A school-boy sees his way to
doubling his last tip, and speculates.) Wrong agin, my boy ! It's
old Billy Fairplay's luck—for once in a way!
[The School-boy departs, saddened by this most unexpected
result.
Fifth S. C. { a fat, fair man, with an impudent frog-face, who is
trying desperately hard to take in a sceptical crowd with the too
familiar purse-trick). Now look 'ere, I don't mind tellm' yer all,
fair an' frank, I'm 'ere to get a bit, if I can ; but, if you kin ketch
me on my merits, why, I shan't grumble—I'll promise yer that
much! Well, now—{to a stolid and respectable young Clerk)—jest
to show you don't know me, and I don't know you—{he throws three
half-crowns into the purse). There, 'old that for me. Shut it.
{The Clerk does so, grinning.) Thank you—you're a gentleman,
though you mayn't look like it—but perhaps you 're one in disguise.
Now gimme 'arf a crown for it. Yer won't ? Any one gimme
arf a crown for it? Why—{unprintable language)—if ever I see
sech a blanky lot o' mugs in my life ! 'Ere, I'll try yer once more!
{He does.) Now oo'll gimme arf a crown for it ? {To a Genteel On-
looker, with an eyeglass, who has made an audible
luck—'ave another go. Red did you put your % comment ) " See 'ow it's done!" So yer orter,
coppers on ? And it's yaller again—and you JB^^k ofek with a glazier's shop where yer eye orter be !
lose! {The Sportsmen pass on — with empty jB^lillbi CS^^A Well, if anyone had 'a told me T should stand
pockets.) Fairest game in the world! fS|^'-<^lii| 'ere, on Boat-Race Day too, orferin' six bob
Second S. C. {who has been conducting a Con- ^tM$^m fmm for arf a crown, and no one with the ordinary
fidence Auction from a barrow and egg-box). wm^s Mima pluck an' straightforwardness to take me at my
Well, I 'ope you 're all satisfied, and if you jufSSir MW§m word, 1 'd have suspected that man of tellin' me
ain't - {candidly)—it don't make no hloomin' ^^^^^^ftL^^ssssi^w^^ a un^ruth! {To a simple-looking spectator.)
difference to me, for I'm orf—these premises is j^^^^^^m^^^^^^^^ Will you 'old this purse for me ? Yer will?
comin' down fur alterations. M^m\^^^SS^^^rA.^^ Well I like the manly way yer speak up! (Here
[He gets off the barrow, shoulders the egg-box, V'^^^vKXl^^^^^^^ the Gent. Onl., observing a seedy man slinking
and departs in search of fresh dupes. ^^^^S^^^raMnR v about outside, warns the company to " mind
A Vendor. Now all you who are fond of a bit W^pSi^^^^^a^ \ their pockets"— which excites the Purse-seller's
o'fun and amusement, jest you stop and invest ^^^^BS^I^} \, /ws£ indignation.) " Ere ! - (to the G. 0.) you
a penny in this little article I am now about to jWHBp'^a&S*^^ \ take your 'ook ! I've 'ad enough o' you. I 'ave.
introdooce to your notice, warranted to make ^p|^^^._,__ \ You're a bloomin' sight too officious, you are!
yer proficient in the'ole art and practice of Pho- Ik.-. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^3 Not much in your pockets to mind—'cept the
tography in the small space of five seconds and a ^^^^^^B^^*^^^^^, . key o' the street, and a ticket o' leave, I '11 lay !
arf — and I think you'll agree with me as it f* *"^fp£f$'*'\ /^J&&» If you carn't beyave as a Gentleman among
ain't possible to become an expert photographer §M, -f|| - / .- Gentlemen, go'ome to where you'ad jour'air
at a smaller expense than the sum of one penny. j'^SrlSl^^-^^'M ' cut last—to Pentonville ! (The G. 0. retires.)
'Ere 1'old in my'and a simple little machine, mSMftj^^.-S^k ..a :^:yThere, we shall get along better without 'im.
consistin'of a small sheet of glorss in a gilt ^S^^^^^^^^B' --v^C^"^' ' '®w l°no are you goin'to keep me'ere ? Upon
frame. I've been vaccinated five 'underd-and- 1 - ^'p:'--'^^ ■ k;^^>'jT^ my word an' honour, it's enough to sicken a
forty-one times, never been bit by a mad dog in 8*/' '^^^^^^^S^^J^f man to see what the world's come to! Where's
my life, and all these articles have "W^^mmSSS^^^ 1^%^ yer courage? Where's yer own common sense ?
been thoroughly fumigated before • ^j^gJJ^SP^^^^^- Where 's your faith in 'umin nature ? What do
leaving the factory, therefore you'll ^^pfe^- ''■'''ttf^X^SE^ ^-i^/^ yer expect? (Scathingly.) Want me to wrop it
agree with me you needn't be afraid -J^iS^^'/f^ ^mMm^mpi-'J'yf. ' up in a porcel, and send it 'ome for yer ? Is
o' catchin' the Inflooenza. They tell ^^^gp^ tz/^^^^m^r^-^ *hat what yer waitm'for! Dammy, if this goes
me it's nearly died out now—and no '^^^^^^ m//^m^*^^S'y oni I shall git wild, and take and give the
wonder, with everythink a cure for it f^^^^^ uwW&W?$m bloomin' purse a bath! (The Simple Spectator
•—but this article is a certain remedy, ^^^^^^^r j|^jKf'' SwH feels in his pockets—evidently for a half-crown.)
All you've got to do is to bite off a ^^^^^^^ffy^M. Mfvlm 'Ere, you look more intelligent than the rest—
corner of the glorss, takin' care to be "^Ip^^*^ m mlSc mt^st' J^Sss^ I^ ^eT ies^ ^n*8 once- *^es^ to sh°w yer
near a public 'ouse at the time, chew * {it^^M ^^^^^^r'"?^ don't know me, and- (Shouts of " They 're
the glorss into small fragments, enter ^^^^^^^^ °ff- They're coming!" from the bank; the
the public 'ouse, call for a pot o' four illtlii&il^^ S ^ Purse-seller's audience suddenly melts away,
ale, and drink it orf quick. It ope- ^^^^^^"^ *Ay"' leaving him alone with the Seedy Slinker.) 'Ere,
rates in this way—the minoot portions ^&M§> jIM) we may as wevi turn it up. 'Ere come
of the glorss git between the jaws ^ss^ them blanky boats!
of the microbe, preventin' 'im from <£ I'm ole Billy Fairplay, Jam!" A Juvenile Plunger (with rather a complicated
closin' 'is mouth, and thereby enablin' book on the event). If Oxford wins, I've got ter
you to suffocate 'im with the four ale. {To the Reader.) Will you
allow me to show you how this little invention takes a photograph,
Sir ? kindly 'old it in your 'and, breathe on it, and look steadily on
the plate for the space of a few seconds. {All of which the Reader,
being the sold of courtesy, obligingly does—and is immediately re-
warded by observing the outline of a donkey's head produced upon
the glass.) Now if you '11 'and that round, Sir, to allow the company
to judge whether it ain't a correct likeness-
[But here the Reader will probably prefer to p>ass on.
Third S. C. (ivho is crouching on ground by a tin case, half
covered zvith a nig, and yelling). Ow-ow-ow-ow ! . . . Come an' see
the wonderful little popsy-wopsy Marmoseet, what kin tork five
lengwidges, walk round, shake 'ands, tell yer 'is buthday, 'is per-
cise age, and where he was keptured !
[Crowd collects to inspect this zoological phenomenon, which—as
soon as an inconvenient Constable is out of hearing—reveals
itself as an illicit lottery. Speculators purchase numbered
tickets freely ; balls are shaken up in the tin box—and the
popsy-wopsy invariably gets distinctly the best of it.
Fourth S. C. (an extremely disreputable-looking old gentleman,
with a cunningly curled piece of tape on a board). 'Ere, I'm ole
Billy Fairplay, Jam! Come an' try yer fortins at little 'Ide an'
Find! Arf a crown yer don't prick the middle o' this bit o' tape.
git a penny out of 'im, and if Kimebridge wins, you've got ter git
a penny outer me !
Crowd (as the Crews flash by). Go it, Oxford! Ox—ford! No,
Kimebridg-e ! Well rowed, Kimebridge ! . . . Oxford wins ! No, it
don't. I'll lay it don't! Splendid rycin'. Which on 'em was
Oxford ? The inside one. No, it worn't—they was outside. Well,
Oxford was leadin', anyway! . . . There, that's all over till next
year! Not much to come out for, either—on'y just see 'em for
a second or so. Oh, I come out for the lark of it, I do . . . There
goes the pidgins orf . . . We shan't be long knowin' now . . . 'Ere's
the Press Boat comin' back . . . There, wot did I tell yer, now ?
Well, they didn't orter ha' won, that's all-the others was the best
crew . . . 'Ere they are, all together on the launch, d'ye see ? Seem
friendly enough, too, considerin', torkin' to each other and all. Lor,
they wouldn't bear no malice now it's over!
[Crowd disperse, and patronise " Popsy Wopsy" the Roulette,
Ole Billy Fairplay, fye., fyc, with renewed zest.
Mrs. Eamsbotham is staying with her niece in the country.
Le is ]
id sa\
Crocus.
She is muoh delighted with the rich colour of the spring bulbs,
and say^s she at last understands the meaning of as rich as
vol on. Q