Punch (102.1892)

March 19, 1892.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 133

"ARE YOU HANSARD NOW?"

Merchant of Venice.

["The entire stock of Hansard''s Parliamentary
Debates .... was offered for sale. The vast col-
lection, nearly 100,000 volumes, scarcely fetched
the price of waste paper."—Daily Paper.']

The Auctioneer exclaimed,—-"These Yols.

Have neither fault nor blot.
I think that I, without demur,

May call them quite ' a lot.'

" Speeches by Russell, Pam, and Bright,

Good for the heart and head.
Take them as spoken; if you like,

Pray take them, too, as read."

But when the Auction did begin,

Bidders, alack! were lacking;
Back numbers hove in sight in shoals,

Yet seemed to have no backing.

" Then this," quoth he, " appears to be

The dismal situation ;
Though from these speeches statesmen quote,

For them there's no quotation.

" The eye has 'heavenly rhetoric,'
Hear William Shakspeaee cry ;

But heavenly rhetoric now, 'tis plain,
Itself is all my eye.

"A penny! Peally such a bid

I can't allow to pass ;
A man who 'd offer coppers here

Must be composed of brass.

" ' Progress' I cannot well ' report,'

Unless this lot is bought in ;
The only progress seems to be,

When there '11 be no reportin'.

" Such priceless gems, such wretched bids '. "

The hammer-man did shout;
"If you desire, I knock them down—

You first must knock me out!

" No higher offer ? Then I'm forced,

Pray pardon the suggestion—■
To take a hint from Parliament,

And ' move the Previous Question.' "

ANOTHER SHAIvSPEARE!

The last play by M. Blague van deb Bosch
has just been translated into English. It is
called The Blackbeetle,
and is a purely domestic
drama. The following
Scene from the last Act
will give some idea of
the exquisite simplicity
and pathos of this great
work. M. van dee
Bosch's admirers freely
assert that Shakspeaee
never wrote anything
like this. It will be
noticed that M. van
dee Bosch, like M.
Mysterious. Maeteelinck, does not
always name his characters, but only mentions
their relation to each other.

Scene XXY.—The Great Grandmother, the
Mother-in-law, the Female First Cousin
one remove, and the Brother-in-law's
Aunt are discovered standing on the table,
and the Half-sister's Nephew by marriage
on a chair.
The Mother-in-law. Eh? eh? eh?
The Female First Cousin one remove {point-
ing to Half-sister's Nephew bymarriage). He!
he! he!

The Great Grandmother. Ay! ay ! ay!

The Half - sister's Nephew by marriage
{shuddering). Oh ! oh ! oh !

The Brother-in-law's Aunt {to him). You!
you! you! [The Half-sister's Nephew by
marriage descends and resolutely steps upon
the Blackbeetle. Curtain.

ENTETEMENT BRITANNIQJJE.
Rondeau.

Mal a. la tete, ennui, migraine,

We risk in trying to explain
Why, though the Income-tax is high,
This country never can supply

Such galleries as line the Seine.

Yetgifts are treated with disdain,
Which gives the would-be donors pain,—
We've now a name to call that by,
"Mal a la Tate."

Next time an offer's made in vain
MacNeill, or someone, will obtain,
Or ask, at least, the reason why,
And even dumber folks will cry,
" By Jove ! they've made a mull again,
Mull d la Tate ! "

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

Everybody who took delight in our old
friend Uncle Remus will thoroughly enjoy

A Plantation Prin-
ter, by Joel Chand-
lee Haeeis. The
Baron doesn't recom-
mend it to be taken
at one sitting, the
dialect being rather
difficult, but a chap-
ter at a time will be
found refreshing.
The like advice may
be acted upon by
anyone who has
invested in the latest
volume of the Library
of Wit and Humour,
entitled Faces and
Places. By H. W.
Brer Eabbit. jjVCY. The '' Faces "

are represented by a portrait of Ride-to-Khiva
Buenaby", and one of the Author of these
entertaining papers. The first brief narra-
tive, which ought to have been called " How
I met Buenaby," is specially interesting;
and the only disappointing thing in the
book is the omission of '' An Evening with
Witches," as a companion picture to
"A Night at Watts's."

By the way, in my copy of A Plantation
Printer, the English printer has made one
slip, a sin of omission, at p. 153, where, Miss
Caetee, a charming young lady, is watch-
ing a Georgian Fox-hunt. She sees " a group
of shadows, with musical voices, sweep
across the Bermuda fields."

" ' O ow beautiful!' exclaimed Miss
Caetee, clapping her little hands," and, we
may add, dropping her little "h" in her
excitement. '' I can put up with the loss of an
' h,' but not for a wilderness of aspirates would
I have lost this healthy, cheery chapter,"
says The Baeon de Book-Worms.

TO A RAILWAY FOOT-WARMER.

At first I loved thee—thou wast warm,—
The porter called thee '"ot," nay," bilin.

I tipped him as thy welcome form
He carried, with a grateful smile, in.

Alas! thou art a faithless friend,
Thy warmth was but dissimulation;

Thy tepid glow is at an end,
And I am nowhere near my station !

I shiver, cold in feet and hands,
It is a legal form of slaughter,

They don't warm (!) trains in other lands
With half a pint of tepid water.

I spurn thy coldness with a kick,
And pile on rugs as my protectors.

I'd send—to warm them—to Old Nick,
Thy parsimonious Directors!

RICH Y. POOR.

{A Note kindly contributed by Our Own Graphic
Reporter.)

Nothing could have been more impressive
than the closing scene of a trial that was one
of the features of the present Sessions. The
Counsel for the Prisoner made no pretence of
hiding his emotion, and freely used his pocket-
handkerchief. Many ladies who had until
now been occupied in using opera-glasses, at
this point relinquished those assistants to the
eyesight, to fall back upon the restorative
properties of bottles filled with smelling-
salts. Even his Lordship on the Bench was
seemingly touched to the very quick by the
Prisoner's dignified appeal for mercy. Before
passing sentence, the Judge glanced for a
moment at the number of titled and other
highly respectable witnesses who had testified
to the integrity of the accused. Then he
addressed the Prisoner :—

"You have pleaded guilty to an indictment
which charges you with having misappro-
priated trust moneys. You have reduced a
fortune of £28,000 to £7,000. _ This means a
wretched pittance to beneficiaries who, before
your fraud, were enjoying a fairly decent
income. I am aware that you are a distin-
guished Magistrate,—that you have belonged
to many Clubs,—that there is not a slur
upon the cooking that used to distinguish
your dinner-parties. I know the severity of
the sentence I am about to pass, and I wish
my conscience would permit me to give you
a lighter punishment. But I cannot."

The accused was then sentenced to five
years' penal servitude.

A little later another prisoner was put in
the dock for stealing twenty shillings. The
prisoner (who was a sailor) was sentenced to
ten years' penal servitude, and seven years'
police supervision. The ease was of no public
interest.

The Modesty of Genius.

When Tkaill his list of Minor Poets drew,
Speugge's friends exclaimed, " Why,
Speugge, he's left out you ! "

To which Speugge calmly answered, " Yes,

I know it;
And he is right. I'm not a Minor Poet."

Feom an Ieish Repoetee in a Teoubled
Disteict. — "The
Police patrolled
the street all night,
but for all that
there was no dis-
turbance."

New Song oe
Teiumph foe Sal-
vationists at
Eastbourne, ac-
companied by
Deum and Ieee-
ligious Cymbals.
—" Tra-la-la-Booth-te-ray 1

Demeaning themselves so! — Mrs. R.
cannot understand our aristocracy being
constantly Chairmen at public dinners. She
wouldn't be a Chairwoman for anything.

Wheee "Ghosts" ought to exist.—
"Haunt 'un Street, W." It's an artistic
quarter. [Is this Hornton Street ? Possibly.
-Ed.] _

People who would be all the bettee
foe becoming Tempeeance Men. — "The
Lushais."

yol. cii.