Punch (102.1892)

January 16, 1892.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

25

LES FRANCAIS PEINTS PAR EUX-MEMES (ET ILLTJSTPvES PAR NOUS).

,"0 Juliette ! " s'ecria Oscar, en s'asseyant a cote d'elle sue, la pierre tumulaire,
" Epouse de mon meilleur Ami! Je jure que je t'adore ! Je jure ioi, sur la
tombe de ma sainte mere, qui bf.nit n0s amours de la haut ! "

CABITAL!

Sir,—The proposal to extend the Cah
Radius to five miles from Charing Cross is
pood in its way, hut it does not go far enough.
My idea is that the cheap cab-fare should
include any place in the Home Counties.
Cabmen should also be prevented by law from
refusing to take a person, say, from Piccadilly
to St. Albans, on the plea that their horse
" could not do the distance." All assertions
of that kind should be punished as perjury.
Cabmen are notoriously untruthful. Why
should not Cab Proprietors, too, be obliged to
keep relays of horses at convenient spots on
all the main roads out of Town in case a horse
really proves unequal to going fifteen miles
or so into the country, in addition to a hard
day's work in London ?—Yours unselfishly,

St. Albans. Northward Ho !

Sir,—Why will people libel the Suburbs,
and keep on describing them as dull ? I am
sure that a place which, like the one I write
from, contains a Lawn Tennis Club (entrance
into which we keep very select), a Circulating
Library, where all the new books of two years'
back are obtainable without much delay, a
couple of handsome and ascetic young Curates,
and a public Park, capable of holding twenty-
six perambulators and as many nursemaids
at one and the same time, can only fitly be
described as an Elysium. Still, we should
be grateful for better facilities for getting
away from its delights now and then, and this
proposal to extend the Cab Radius has the
warmest support of Yours,

Easily Satisfied.

Sir,—By all means let us have cheaper Cabs
in Greater London! The County Council should
subsidise a lot of Cabs, to ply exclusively be-
tween London and the outskirts. Or why not
a Government Cab Purchase Bill, like the Irish
Land Purchase one ? We want a special
Minister for Public Locomotion—perhaps Lord
Randolph Churchill would accept the post ?

Yours, spiritedly, Hampstead Heathen.

" HARD TO BEER

{Advance-sheetfrom aprojected Anti-Bacchanalian Tragi-farce, to be called

'' By Order of the Kaiser.")

Scene—A Market Place in Berlin. German Students carousing.
Emissary of the Emperor seated at table apart watching them.
Apprehensive Waiters nervously supplying the ivants of their
Customers.

First German Student. Another flagon of beer, Kellner!
. Waiter. Here, Mein Herr ! {Brings glass and, as he places it on
the table, whispers aside.) Oh, beware, my good Lord—this is your
second glass.

First Ger. St it. {with a laugh). I know what I am about! And
now, my friends, I give you a toast—The Liberty of the Fatherland !

Chorus of Students. The Liberty of the Fatherland! [They all drink.

Em. of the Emp. {apart). Ha !

[He makes an entry in his note-book.

First Ger.iStu. And now fill another glass. Fill, my comrades—
I pray you, fill! Kellner ! glasses round—for myself and friends.

Kellner {as before—supplying their wants and warning them). Oh,
my gracious Lord, be careful! Your third glass—mind now, your
third glass; you know the risk you are running! But one false
drop and you are lost!

First Ger. Stu. {as before). Well, my good friend, be sure you
supply us with no drop that is not good ! Ha, ha, ha ! Eh, Karl !
eh, Conrad ! eh, Hans ! Did you hear my merry jest ?

[They all laugh.

Em. of the Emp. {as before). Ha! {making an entry in his note-
book). And they laugh at a witless joke! Good! Very good !

First Ger. Stu. {ioyoushj). And now, my comrades, yet another
toast—The Prosperity of the People !

Chorus of Ger. Stu. {raising their glasses). The People!

[They all drink.

Em. of the Emp. {apart) Ha!

[lie makes an entry in his note-book.
First Ger. Stu. And now, a final flagon! Kellner!

Kellner {as before.) Oh, high-born customer, beware! This is
your fourth glass ! You know the law !

First Ger. Stu. {as before). That indeed I do! And I also know
that my daily allowance is—or rather was—twelve quarts per diem !
And now, comrades, our last toast—The Freedom of the Press !

Chorus of Ger. Stu. {raising their glasses). The Freedom of the
Press! [They all drink.

Em. of the Emp. {apart). This is too much! {He rises, and
approaches the\Students.) Your pardon, Gentlemen ! But do you
really believe in the toasts you have just drunk ?

Chorus of Stu. Why, certainly !

Em. of the Emp. What, in the Liberty of the Fatherland ?
Chorus of Stu. To be sure—why not ?

Em. of the Emp. And the Prosperity of the People—mind you,
only the People ?

Chorus of Stu. Exactly—don't you ?

Em. of the Emp. And further. You wish well to the Freedom of
the Press ?

Chorus of Stu. That was our toast! What next ?

Em. of the Emp. {producing staff of authority). That, in the
name of His Majesty, I arrest you!

Chorus of Stu. {astounded). Arrest us! Why?

Em. of the Emp. Because, if you believe in the Liberty of the
Fatherland, ask for the Prosperity of the People, and admire the
Freedom of the Press, you must be drunk!—very drunk! In virtue
of the new law (which punishes the crime of intoxication), away
with them!

[The Students are loaded with chains, and i?nprisoned, for an
indefinite period, in the lowest dungeon beneath the castle's
moat. Curtain.

Our Humorous Composer.—What Sir Arthur Sullivan said or
sung before deciding on taking a Yilla at Turbie, on the Riviera,—
il Turbie, or not Turbie, that is the question." He is now hard at
work writing a new Opera (founded, we believe, on Cox and Box),
and "I am here," he says, in his quaint way, "because I don't
want to be dis-turbie'd."

vol cit.