Punch (102.1892)

January 16, 1892.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 35

whist—but of this hereafter. My Caddie, or arm-bearer, has his
CONFESSIONS OF A DU FFER. : own views about the causes of my incompetence.

l-CMV " Ye're no standing richt. Ye haud yer hands wrang. Ye tak'

l. -uu.l.t. } yer ee off the ba'. Ye're ower quick up. Ye're ower slow doun.

TnE Fairies who came to my Christening- provided me with a large j Ye dinna swing. Ye fa' back. Ye haud ower ticht wi' yer richt
collection of toys, implements, and other articles. There was a ; hand. Ye dinna let your arms gang easy. Ye whiles tap, and
heart, a tender one, a pen of gold, a set of Golf-clubs, a bat, wickets, whiles slice, and whiles heel, or ye hit her aff the tae. Ye 're hook-
and a ball, oars and a boat, boxing gloves, foils, guns, rifles, books, : ing her. Ye 're no thinking o' what ye 're doing. Ye '11 never be
everything, except ready money, that heart could desire. Unluckily a Gowfer. Lord! ony man can lairn Greek, but Gowf needs
one Fairy, who was old, deaf, plain, and who had not been invited, j a heid."

observed, "It is all very well, my child, but not one of these articles ' Here are fifteen ways of going wrong, and there is only one way of
shall you be able to use satisfactorily." This awful curse has hung going right! Fifteen things to think of, every time you take a
heavy on my doom. With a restless desire to shine and excel, at driver in hand. And, remember, that is not nearly all. These
Lord's, on the river, on the Moors, in the forests, in Society, on fifteen fatal errors apply to long driving. You may (or at least I
the Links, bitter personal experience and the remarks of candid may, and do) make plenty of other blunders with the other weapons,
friends, tell me that the doom has come upon me. I am "an all- Say the ball lies in sand—"a bunker," technically. If you hit it
round Duffer," as my youngest nephew, cetat. XL, freely informed ; whack on the top, it disappears in a foot-mark. If you " tak' plenty
me, when I served twice out of court (once into the conservatory, o' sand," why, you get plenty of sand in your mouth, your eyes,
the other time through the study window). I was a Duffer at marbles, down the back of your neck, and the ball is no forwarder. If you
also at tops, and my personal efforts in these kinds were constantly : strike her quite clean, she goes like a bullet against the face of
in liquidation. But what are the bunker, soars in the air,

marbles and tops! The first - i , falls on your head, and you

regular game I was entered at \ K \ d\ /il r / / \ \ \ ' -/ /f { ^ose ^e hole • ^n> ^8

was Golf. Five is not too ■ f!/v Sk'^V ^1 - <tr{( ' l( of bitterness!

early to begin, and I began \:{ C'/ , N \v "\,rf*\V>/ // Suppose we play a round,

at five by being knocked down Vv v ;rVwj 'X fcr^>P V A ^jT-t~ ~*\ \ *\ The ball is neatly "tee'd " on

with a club which another <' V^ y ^^i/j/0J" 1) \ v'^''^) it I Mk |Wy I/O a patch of sand. I approach,
small boy was brandishing. \\ Ajy \rfA \\ l)^V\ \\<//\ \ M%t v\C' ~~ I "> ^ snume "with my feet for a

This naturally gave me an LMK/li !{ ))//,] \\\/3t ^ Q ) mSBk* \\ secure footing, I waggle my

extreme zeal for the sport of 1'\/(aVi M \< rs\ I \ ' ig||vv\ \ club m an airy manner. Then

Mart Stuart, the Great Mar- /Xv^V'H \\\ • ^ I ^ iv ^^/W$J ~ ~\\ \ ^ ta^e ^ up an<^ w^ac^ it
quis of Montrose, Charles \ \5=pF /-r -YC \ ( A I w\ \ down. A variety of things

Edward (who introduced Golf S&;:J^)>\ V%- \ ' \ \^^v^1P% / "f^lfv\ v^\f^, \\\ \ maiJ occur. I may smite the
into Italy), Duncan Forbes . fj0-K ,a \ v-\v' \ "WvIr '' top °^ ^e ^a^' wnen & runs

of Culloden, Mr. Horace 'Hi^ Mj \' „^ \ \ K >\ K' li^Slr8*^ 011 f°r twenty yards and lies

Hutchinson, and other emin- . V^Mm. ^Ji^^O^^^ElJ^^^^ ^refp5^r|£\ ' 54 in a rut on the road. I may

ent historical characters. ^M^&r^^^^^ ^ ^er 011 ^e ^ee^ °^ ^e c^u^>

Almost everybody now :■ <c:^r^£^^^\,,.J/y^miCYk VZ n *• \ • \ V_ \ when she spins, with much

knows that Golf is not ofa///t/$L ^^—~^-£^Wf, J/j" /r iii^ ''' < J^r K \ \ I "cut" on, into the sea. I
Hockey. Nobody runs after W' w^^^^y6r:r,v^ £ N^lllPw<i / ) J ^ \ \ \ I ma7 bit her with the toe of

the ball except young ladies '-'^^^^^^^P^ ^W^y/^f^!>^'^^~- ' j'' \ \ ^be club, when she soars to

at W—m—n f The object is 7%J^^^^^^f \ y^^^^^^^^^^^X^—-—/- i----\ square leg, and perhaps breaks

to put a very small ball into i^'^p^^^^Mh III \ £2®v. ■ I /' ' ~ 1 a window. I used to try run-

a_ very tiny and remotely ^/-Wi^^^^^^Ull \\ \ \\ ^^^Ul^^^Wv^^^r^^^/' nin? in at the ball, as if it

distant hole, with engines i^^^\^^^^Mk. \ VV '^^^\\7::)^XZ^<~^^ were a half-volley at Cricket,

singularly ill adapted for the t^'^^^Mv V \ V^^^^^^^^S^^ - - -■■ /l"' wa^ ^es ma{iness<

purpose. There are many '''^^Mm^^^ijiui 1 \ I ^ However, suppose that, in a

engines. First there is the wfCtlm^^U^W// \ ' I K\ ' lucid interval (as will happen),

Driver, a long club, where- ' ,,i!y^fi^mii^-j^ / a\V ^ ^t her clean. She soars

with the ball is supposed to be ^//^•f/^^^ / k> V away, and falls within forty yards of a meandering burn. The
propelled from the tee, a little /, MI k'kgyy^. , ) J A ,11 bole, the haven where one would be, is beyond the burn,
patch of sand. The Tee and , Wl' ^f '"'/W\\'\\ ^ se^ze a G^ee^- or an ^on^ it turns in my hand, cuts up the turf,

the Caddie have nothing to do 7 ' ,J? ■-// ^fff^W^-- \ an(^ the ball rolls half a dozen feet. My opponent has crossed the

with each other; nobody but j / > "" ^//W^^^^^^ burn. I try again ; a fearful misdirected shot; the ball soars over
a flippant Cockney sees any if J 7 f the burn, and lands in a road behind the hole. There is no hitting

fun in plays upon words / A /// '/jjk ' out of this road, or, if one does hit a desperate blow, the ball lands

which, in themselves, are only / - / (i) * L V in an eccentric sand-hole, called the Scholar's Bunker. ~We start for

too serious. Then there is a j'^lil -a the next hole. Memejeu! Now we are in the gorse, now among the

weapon called a Brassey. It i f / // * / S <ftl 1 11\ J Station Master's potatoes, now in the railway, where all hope maybe

is like unto a club, but is shod ' yf/fl[(l(\ < I y)J\ ' ,})' abandoned, uow in bunkers many, now missing the ball altogether,

with brass, and is used for L^'' >' a< v> v when you feel as if your arms had flown off. As for " putting " the

hitting a ball in " a bad lie " Uv ' \ short strokes on the green, near the hole, if I hit sharp, the ball runs

among long grass or heather. over the hole yards and yards beyond, or if I hit mild, it stops with

A small tomahawk, styled a Cleek, is employed when youdoi't know an air of plaintive resignation, after dribbling for a foot or two.
what else to play with. The same remark applies to an Iron, which j And the worst of it is that, sometimes, you will play as well as
is very good for missing the ball with, also for hitting to square leg : another for half-a-dozen holes. Then one thinks one has The
when you meant to go straight. A ''Mashy " is a smaller " iron." I Secret! But it falls from us, vanishes, we are topping and slicing,
The skilful use these when the ball lies in sand, in gorse, or when ; and heeling, and missing again as sorrily as ever,
they wish to make the ball soar for a short distance and then fall: The beauty of Golf is that there are so many ways of going wrong,
dead. A Putter is a short thickish club used for jogging the ball i and so many things to think of. A person of very moderately
into the hole with. There are plenty of other kinds of clubs, also \ active mind has his ideas diverted by the landscape, the sea, the
spoons, but these are enough to break the heart of any Duffer. i blossom on the gorse, the larks singing overhead, not to mention the

I am an old player, of forty years' standing, but, like Parolles i whole system of the universe. He forgets to keep his eye on the ball,
I was " made for every man to breathe himself on." When my i in devoting his energy to holding tight with his left, and being slow
form is espied near the links, the players shirk off as if I were a up. Or he remembers to keep his eye on the ball, and forgets the
leper. They are afraid I may want to make a match with them, other essentials. Then an awful moment comes when he loses his
and there is no falsehood from which they will shrink, in their temper. Thereby all is lost, honour (not to mention " the honour,")
desire to escape me. Even Ladies,—but this is a delicate theme, j and everything. People in front, old people, are_ so provojeing.
Beginners breathe themselves on me, and give me odds after two or They potter tardily along, pass ten minutes in considering a putt,
three engagements. shout and swear if you hit into them, and are not pleased if you sit

Yet I don't know why I am so bad. True, I am short-sighted, down and smoke while you wait. The only entity that I don't lose
never see the flag at the hole, play in the wrong direction, and my temper with is my partner. The worse he plays, the better am
talk a good deal on topics of academic interest during the round. ! I pleased to have a brother in adversity. The subjective Golfer,
The Golfer's mind should be a blank, and generally is " blank however, is certainly a bore. He is "put off" by every simple
enough," like Sir Tor's shield. My mind is, perhaps, too active^— : circumstance, by his opponent wearing an unbecoming cap and the
that may be what is the matter with me. It is the same thing at | like. Afterwards, he will hold forth for hours on all his sorrows and