Punch (102.1892)

36 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 16, 1892.

VENICE AT OLYMPIA.

['' The water in the canals is two feet in depth, and is kept at a temperature of sixty degrees."

Vide the Press on " Venice at Olumpia."']

0 Jane, thou jewel of my heart—

all the sins of others. The Duffer is more
modest and less apologetic. He is kept
always playing (as I said) by the diabolical
circumstance that he has lucid intervals,
though rarely, when he plays like other

people for three or four holes. I once, my- j v Thou'objectJof my^hopelesTpassion,
self did the long hole m—-but never mind. ! Thougll Fate decrees that we must part,

%odIwould ^ell(T me^ . m°.st ,ami*blc 1 I '11 leave thee in some novel fashion!
of Duffers was he who, after ten strokes m a |

bunker, cut his ball into three parts. " I am j f. For though my spirit seeks escape

bringing it out, "he said, "m penny numbers." _ .^^flj^. / j\ \ - From all the carlung cares that vex it,

Ofympia."~\

I will not throw—as others throw—
My manly form, without compunction,

Before the frequent trains that go [tion.
At lightning speed through Clapham Junc-

The born Duffer, I speak feelingly, _ is
incurable. No amount of odds will put him
on the level even of Scotch Professors. For
the learned have divided Golf into several
categories. There is Professional Golf, the
best Amateur Golf, Enthusiasts' Golf, Golf,
Beginners' Golf, Ladies' Golf, Infant Golf,
Parlour Golf, the Golf of Scotch Professors.
But the true Duffer's Golf is far, far below
that. A Duffer like me is too bad for hanging.
He should be condemned to play for life at
Chorley Wood, or to bush-whack at Bungay.

Tree and Easy Theatres.—We have_ no
sympathy whatever with the idea of a
Theatre Libre or with a Free-and-Easy
Theatre, but we shall be very glad when all
Theatres are made Easy, Easy, that is, as to
sitting accommodation, and Easy of egress
and ingress. But if the space is to be en-
larged, will not the prices have to be enlarged
too? 'Tis a problem in the discussion of
which The Players, which is a new journal,
solely devoted to things Dramatic and The-
atrical, would find congenial employment.

I will not plunge thee into crape

By any ordinary exit:
So when—in slang—I "take my hook,"

Detesting all that's mean and skimpy, a
Reserved and numbered seat I Tl book,
And hie to Venice at Olympia.

I '11 see the Show that draws the town—

Its pageantry delight affording—
As per the details noted down
Where posters flame on every hoard-
ing ;

And then the sixpence I will pay,

Which in my pocket now I'm fond-
ling,

And try upon the water-way
The new experience of gondling.
I will not do as others do • -,■ ■>

When cheated of prospective bridal, I know that death will seem delight

And quit the Bridge of Waterloo When in the gondola I'm seated,

With header swift and suicidal. For up to sixty Fahrenheit

The Grand Canal is nicely heated;
I will not seek—as others seek— So—sick of life's incessant storm,

Some public-house in mean and low street,
And drink—till haled before the Beak
Who patiently presides at Bow Street.

Impatient of its kicks and pinches—
I '11 plunge within the water warm,
And drown—in four-and-twenty inches !

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

After copious draughts of novels and romances which, the

PEEUX CHEVALIER.

Sir,—The amazing popularity of the Costermonger Songs seems to

morning after, leave the literary palate as dry as a lime-kiln, or me a significant phenomenon. While no humane person would deny
as Mrs. Ham would say, "as a lamb-kin," the Baron, thirsting fori to the itinerant vendor of comestibles that sympathy which is accorded
a more satisfying beverage, took up a volume, which he may! to the joys and sorrows of his more refined fellow-creatures, it is
fairly describe as a youthful quarto, or an imperial pinto, coming: impossible to view without alarm the hold which his loose and
from the Chapman and Hall cellars, that is, book-sellers, entitled j vmgramniatical diction is obtaining in the most cultured salons of
On Shibboleths, __ to-day. Anxious to minimise the danger, yet loth to check a senti-

ment of fraternity so creditable to our common humanity, I have
devised a plan by which Mr. Chevalier's songs may be rendered in
such-wise that while all their deep humanity is preserved, their
English is so elevated as to be innocuous to the nicest sensibility.
Permit me to give, just as a sample, my treatment of that very
popular ballad, known, rubesco referens, as "Knocked 'etn in the
Old Kent Road." Not being a singer, 1 have adopted Mr. Clifford
Harrison's charming plan of speaking through the music of the
song, and this is how / render the chorus :—

'' ' How is it with you ?' was the universal exclamation of the
residents in the vicinity.

" ' With whom, William, have you made an appointment? '
"'Have you, William, purchased all the house-property in this
thoroughfare P'

'' Were my risible faculties exercised ?—you ask me. Fay. Indeed
I was actually apprehensive of a fatal issue.

So striking was the effect produced upon those in the ancient

and written bv
W. S. Lilly.
In a recent
trial it came
out that Mr.
George Mere-
dith is the
accredited and
professional
reader for
Messrs. Chap-
man and Hall.
Is it possible
that this emi-
nent philoso-
phical Novelist is indebted
to a quiet perusal of

Shibboleths for some of l^BBHBBSSi Cantian highway."

the quaint philosophical \ \x|- HB||nr\l This, Sir, not only gives the sense, but gives it, 1 venture to claim,
touches not to be read off ^J^H|HByi 1 in a form fit for the apprehension of the most refined. Judging,

schoolboywise, with hur
ried ellipses, blurting lips,
and unintelligent brain, if
any, which make One of Our Conquerors and others, worth perusal ?
Be this as it may, which is a convenient shibbolethian formula, the
Baron read this book, and enjoyed it muchly. There is an occasional
dig into the Huxleian anatomy, given with all the politeness of a
Louis-the-Fifteenthian "M.A.," otherwise Maitre d1 Amies, and a
passing reference to " The People's William" and the carrying out
of the People's will—which is quite another affair,—all, to quote
Sir Peter, "vastly entertaining." The chapter on the Shibboleth
" Education" is, thinks the Baron, about the best. Mr. Lilly is a
Satirist who, as Georgius Meredlthius Magnus might express it,
is, in his fervour, near a truth, grasps it, and is moved to moral dis-
tinctness, mental intention, with a preference of strong, plain speech,
and a chuck of interjeetory quotation over the crack of his whip, with
which tramping active he flicks his fellows sharply. With which
Meredith!sm Concludes The Baron de Book-Worms.

too, by the reception it met with at our recent Penny Readings, I
am convinced that Mr. Chevalier's peculiar humour is thoroughly
preserved, for, indeed, many of the audience laughed till I became
positively concerned for their safety.

Yours faithfully, Robert Bowdler Spalding.

GOOD NEWS INDEED

That fiendish malefactor, the Influenza Bacillus, has been caught
at last! The peculiarity about him, confound him, is said to be his
"immobility." Ugh! the hard-hearted infinitesimally microscopic
monster! No tears, short-breathings, sighs, no groans, no sufferings,
nothing will move him. There he remains, untouched, immobile. But
there was one hopeful sign mentioned in the Times of last Saturday—
the Bacillus was found ' in chains, and in strings." Let the chains be
the heaviest possible till he can be tried by a Judge and_ Jury; and
don't resort to " strings" till the supply of chains has failed.

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