DOI Heft:
January 23, 1892
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17693#0055
January 23, 1892.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
45
CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER.
II.—THE SOCIAL DUFFER.
If my Confessions are to be harrowing-, it is in this paper that
that I am just a Duffer; a stupid, short-sighted, absent-minded
child of misfortune.
All these things do not make my life so pleasant to me that I, the
MacDuffer, should greatly care to dine out. Ah, that is a trial.
they will chiefly provoke the tear of sentiment. Other Confessors First, I never know my host and hostess by sight. Next, in a
have never admitted that they are Social Duffers, except Mr. Mark summer dusk, I never know anybody. Then, as to conversation,
Pattison only, the Rector of Lincoln College ; and he seems to have i I have none. My mind is always prowling about on some antiquarian
nattered himself that he was only a Duffer as a beginner. My great J hobby-horse, reflecting deeply on the Gowrie Conspiracy, or the Raid
prototypes, J. J. Rousseau, and Marie Bashkirtseff, never own ; of Ruthven, or the chances in favour of Pereln Warbeck's having
to having been Social Duffers. But I cannot conceal tne fact from been a true man. Now I do object to talking shop, I am not a
my own introspective analysis. It is not only that I was always lawyer, nor yet am I an actor: I do not like people who talk about
shy. Others have fled, and hidden themselves in the laurels, or the , their cases, or their parts. It would be unbecoming to start a con-
hedgerows, when they met a lady in the way—but they grew out versation on the authenticity of " Henry Goring's Letter." Then I
of this cowardly practice. Often have I, in a frantic attempt to ! never go to the play, I do not even know which of the Royal Family
conceal myself behind a hedge, been betrayed by my fishing-rod, j is which: modern pictures are the abominations of desolation to
which stuck out over the top. The giggles of the young women who me; in fact, I have no " conversation-openings." A young lady,
observed me were hard to bear, but I confess that they were not, compelled to sit beside me, has been known to hum tunes, and
unnatural. telegraph messages of her forlorn condition to her sister, at the
Shyness is a fine qualification in a Social Duffer, and it is greatly ; opposite end of the table. I pitied her, but was helpless. My im-
improved by shortness, and, as one may say, stupidity of sight. ! pression is that she was musical, poor soul! When I do talk,
I never recognise any- ^ things become ac-
one whom I know; /-i%=V•tively intolerable. I
on the other hand, I S^lK^^kA Til ! "'I I have no tact. To
frequently recognise I jjii,. w^^^^^^^ \lu < 'ill! 1 have tact, is much
people whom I never ^ !|; „nii|| |[f,/: J, 'i i, llh, J&*s&^ like being good at
saw before in my life, I ' \\m&Mk iMiB^Mffll^^^B' S l|l i; !i' ill'll '|MU JHPPfe, Halma, or whist, or
and salute them with \ \^M/^^K^^^^^^nl\ f Wv^^^^^&^-J. v\\f' \ M^SH^iX I tennis, or chess. You
a heartiness which s ;. f^jS^^^^^^^t i 'jk ?! ^/^^P^^^^^?1 '^111111=^1 must be able to
they fail to appreciate. Jv\; || J S^^^^^wn-I •• I ! %^f^^S^^^^|^i
IPIIIS; i calculate the remote
Once, at an evening ^Hs^^mI^^Sx'^ ^^Misl-.ilffijB!^^ ;'\ », jA^X .Mf- consequences of every
party, where the jj^fmM^^^K>^^^■^^^^^M^^m^'^J^ ^^^^PF . move, and all the
Princess Bergsxol ^Kf Jg&M^^^. |jr^1i,'^^^^^^^^^^^^^B^wj^^ft'iV'^^^^^^''" "^^w^' " angles and side-walls
was present, a lady, from which the con-
who had treated me .^^^UK^al^^^^^M^^^^^^^^mS^ilWm^MM^W "^^k\-^a^y J^%M%^> versational ball may
with hospitable kind- jffifflM^^B^^^ ^^^^^^fflro llf^^^^MMM^^^^^m^^f ' ■^^Z bound. It is needless
ness, I three times (ttjj$ ffffi^BiWffi^^U^E1' ^) ^*° sa^ that, at whist,
mistook her; once for fB«ml| ^^^^^^^^^^Mk^^^^M ~r:^^^ fffir^^^^^^flll ^ never know in the
an eminent novelist, ■^^W M^Mflttflfe^illl^il 77T7T/I .^^H^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Ili^rrrnT^^^^^^TTTfrrfl 1 iM^ESHj^^^^^^^^/w?/ / least what will happen
once for a distin- '![ llllMH^jfli^^^llffll ll Mf^^^^^^^^l^ 111 f-^^j^^'Sfil^^Slffl^M/II in consequence of the
guished philanthro- |! I ^^^^^^Ml^St ^OTWffllH^^^^^^^ ISf P w^^^^PlffiiB^ffl®@Iii\ card I play ; and life
pist, and once for an ;:! ilffl I^^^^^^Mjl^f^^^^^ ^^^^§51 fill* wlM§&S®\[i is very much too short
admired female per- v, ij^^^^^^^^^jM^WW^^^ |P^iS^^MwMm^^^^^^lllllil^^^^^^ffl^\ ' l\ ^or ^he interminable
former on the Banjo ^/^^h^^^^^^Sf^vi^^^^m IlliBBBSlii ^^^^^^^^^^I'e^^^^^ 1 [j calculations of chess.
I carried on conver- «Bl l^^rtaaM^B 1 It^^M^M j^^S^wM! mi^^m^^^^|[[ll^^^^^Slfi^^A It is the same in eon-
sations with her in //W^^m^^^^^^^m W/nlMl/WwBM^^^^^^ffl llflllllJ ^^^BI'l^^^^^^^l^^^vV versation. I never
each of these three Wjii&im fe-TB^P w/lnm/mNmL \ lIBi i lllliilt ^^^^Ir^^^M^llll^^^K know, or, if my sub-
imaginary characters, T^^P f Ih^B^^^! Iro^lPillSBP j^CTr?jffwlra llPlgjP! ^^^1'! ^^^^^mRBSSSSS^Ps. 1 consciousness knows,
—and I ask you, is ~£h8m ^^i^mmm^mk ffrfi^^Pffr Ws&s&Z* ^^^^|II^^^^^.||||a^M|M I never remember,
this the way to shine ^^^^^^^1 Willlf^m^mi l^^^^mlWlMi wno anybody is. I
in Society ? You may ^^^m^^^^^^^^Mli'll^^rV^ speak to people about
say, '' Wear spec- ^^^^^^^^^^^^j^^^^^^^^^^^^Vj^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ scandals with which
tacles"—but they are ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^S^—^ they are connected. I
unbecoming. As to ,^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^~* frankly give my mind
an eye-glass, somehow ********* .as—.. ^<^^^^^^^^^ about Mr. Bull's
it irritates people even ' poems to Mr. Duel's
more than mere blindness does. Besides, it is always dropping into j sister-in-law. I give free play to my humour about the Royal
Academy in talk with the wife of an Academician of whom I never
heard. I am like Jeanie Deans, at her interview with Queen
Caroline, when, as the Macallum More said, she first brought
down the Queen, and then Lady Suffolk, right and left, with
remarks about unkind mothers, and the Stool of Penitence.
Thus you may see me forlorn, with each of my neighbours turning
towards me the shoulder of indignation. I do not blame them, but
how can I help it ? It is the Fairy's fault: the curse has come upon
me. William Buffy, the Statesman, has a great clan of kinsfolk.
Did I ever express my views about William Buffy, but one of
Clan Buffy was there, to be annoyed ? When I find out what has
occurred, I become as red as any tomato, but that does nobody any
good.
Oh, I am a Pariah, I am unfit to live! In a savage country, to
which my thoughts often wander, I would stumble over every taboo,
and soon find myself in the oven. As it is, I stumble over every-
thing, stools and lady's trains, and upset porcelain, and break all the
odds and ends with which I fidget, and spill the salt, and then pour
claret over it, and call on the right people at the wrong houses, and
put letters in the wrong envelopes: one of the most terrible blunders
of the Social Duffer. Naturally, in place of improving, MacDuffer
gets worse and worse: every failure which he discovers makes him
more nervous: besides he knows that, of all his errors, he only finds
out a small per-centage. Where can he take refuge ? If Robinson
Crusoe had been a social Duffer, he and Friday would not have been
on speaking terms in a week. People think the poor Duffer malignant,
boorish, haughty, unkind; he is only a Duffer, an irreclaimable, sad,
pitiful creature, quite beyond the reach of philanthropy. On my
grave write, not Miserrimus (though that would be true enough), but
FUTILISSIMUS.
one's soup.
People are always accosting me, people who seem vaguely fami-
liar, and then I have to make believe very much that I remember
them, and to wait for casual hints. The more I feel confident that
I know them, the more it turns out that I don't. It is an awful
thing to stop a hansom in the street, thinking that its occupant is
your oldest College friend, and to discover that he is a perfect
stranger, and in a great hurry. Private Yiews are my particular
abomination. At one such show, seven ladies, all very handsome
and peculiarly attired, addressed me in the most friendly manner,
calling me by my name. They cannot have taken me for either of
my Doubles,—one is a Cabinet Minister, one is a dentist,—for they
knew my name, The MacDuffer of Duff. Yet I had not then, nor
have I now, the faintest idea who any one of the seven was. My
belief is that it was done for a bet. The worst of it is when, after
about five minutes, I think I have a line as to who my companion
really is, then, my intelligent features lighting up, I make some
remark which ruins everything, congratulate a stockbroker on get-
ting his step, or an unmarried lady on the success of her son in the
Indian Civil Service examination.
The thing goes so far that I have occasionally mistaken my wife's
relations for old friends. Then, when I am hostile, it is just as bad.
I never, indeed, horsewhipped the wrong man, but that is only
beeause I never horsewhipped anybody at all, Heaven forefend!
But once I did mean to cut a man, I forget why. So I cut the wrong
man, a harmless acquaintance whose feelings 1 would not have hurt
for the world. Of course I accidentally cut all the world. Some
set it down to an irritable temper, and ask,. "What can we have
done to The MacDuffer ? " Others think I am proud. Proud! I
ask, what has a Duffer to be proud of P Nobody, or very few, admit
45
CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER.
II.—THE SOCIAL DUFFER.
If my Confessions are to be harrowing-, it is in this paper that
that I am just a Duffer; a stupid, short-sighted, absent-minded
child of misfortune.
All these things do not make my life so pleasant to me that I, the
MacDuffer, should greatly care to dine out. Ah, that is a trial.
they will chiefly provoke the tear of sentiment. Other Confessors First, I never know my host and hostess by sight. Next, in a
have never admitted that they are Social Duffers, except Mr. Mark summer dusk, I never know anybody. Then, as to conversation,
Pattison only, the Rector of Lincoln College ; and he seems to have i I have none. My mind is always prowling about on some antiquarian
nattered himself that he was only a Duffer as a beginner. My great J hobby-horse, reflecting deeply on the Gowrie Conspiracy, or the Raid
prototypes, J. J. Rousseau, and Marie Bashkirtseff, never own ; of Ruthven, or the chances in favour of Pereln Warbeck's having
to having been Social Duffers. But I cannot conceal tne fact from been a true man. Now I do object to talking shop, I am not a
my own introspective analysis. It is not only that I was always lawyer, nor yet am I an actor: I do not like people who talk about
shy. Others have fled, and hidden themselves in the laurels, or the , their cases, or their parts. It would be unbecoming to start a con-
hedgerows, when they met a lady in the way—but they grew out versation on the authenticity of " Henry Goring's Letter." Then I
of this cowardly practice. Often have I, in a frantic attempt to ! never go to the play, I do not even know which of the Royal Family
conceal myself behind a hedge, been betrayed by my fishing-rod, j is which: modern pictures are the abominations of desolation to
which stuck out over the top. The giggles of the young women who me; in fact, I have no " conversation-openings." A young lady,
observed me were hard to bear, but I confess that they were not, compelled to sit beside me, has been known to hum tunes, and
unnatural. telegraph messages of her forlorn condition to her sister, at the
Shyness is a fine qualification in a Social Duffer, and it is greatly ; opposite end of the table. I pitied her, but was helpless. My im-
improved by shortness, and, as one may say, stupidity of sight. ! pression is that she was musical, poor soul! When I do talk,
I never recognise any- ^ things become ac-
one whom I know; /-i%=V•tively intolerable. I
on the other hand, I S^lK^^kA Til ! "'I I have no tact. To
frequently recognise I jjii,. w^^^^^^^ \lu < 'ill! 1 have tact, is much
people whom I never ^ !|; „nii|| |[f,/: J, 'i i, llh, J&*s&^ like being good at
saw before in my life, I ' \\m&Mk iMiB^Mffll^^^B' S l|l i; !i' ill'll '|MU JHPPfe, Halma, or whist, or
and salute them with \ \^M/^^K^^^^^^nl\ f Wv^^^^^&^-J. v\\f' \ M^SH^iX I tennis, or chess. You
a heartiness which s ;. f^jS^^^^^^^t i 'jk ?! ^/^^P^^^^^?1 '^111111=^1 must be able to
they fail to appreciate. Jv\; || J S^^^^^wn-I •• I ! %^f^^S^^^^|^i
IPIIIS; i calculate the remote
Once, at an evening ^Hs^^mI^^Sx'^ ^^Misl-.ilffijB!^^ ;'\ », jA^X .Mf- consequences of every
party, where the jj^fmM^^^K>^^^■^^^^^M^^m^'^J^ ^^^^PF . move, and all the
Princess Bergsxol ^Kf Jg&M^^^. |jr^1i,'^^^^^^^^^^^^^B^wj^^ft'iV'^^^^^^''" "^^w^' " angles and side-walls
was present, a lady, from which the con-
who had treated me .^^^UK^al^^^^^M^^^^^^^^mS^ilWm^MM^W "^^k\-^a^y J^%M%^> versational ball may
with hospitable kind- jffifflM^^B^^^ ^^^^^^fflro llf^^^^MMM^^^^^m^^f ' ■^^Z bound. It is needless
ness, I three times (ttjj$ ffffi^BiWffi^^U^E1' ^) ^*° sa^ that, at whist,
mistook her; once for fB«ml| ^^^^^^^^^^Mk^^^^M ~r:^^^ fffir^^^^^^flll ^ never know in the
an eminent novelist, ■^^W M^Mflttflfe^illl^il 77T7T/I .^^H^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Ili^rrrnT^^^^^^TTTfrrfl 1 iM^ESHj^^^^^^^^/w?/ / least what will happen
once for a distin- '![ llllMH^jfli^^^llffll ll Mf^^^^^^^^l^ 111 f-^^j^^'Sfil^^Slffl^M/II in consequence of the
guished philanthro- |! I ^^^^^^Ml^St ^OTWffllH^^^^^^^ ISf P w^^^^PlffiiB^ffl®@Iii\ card I play ; and life
pist, and once for an ;:! ilffl I^^^^^^Mjl^f^^^^^ ^^^^§51 fill* wlM§&S®\[i is very much too short
admired female per- v, ij^^^^^^^^^jM^WW^^^ |P^iS^^MwMm^^^^^^lllllil^^^^^^ffl^\ ' l\ ^or ^he interminable
former on the Banjo ^/^^h^^^^^^Sf^vi^^^^m IlliBBBSlii ^^^^^^^^^^I'e^^^^^ 1 [j calculations of chess.
I carried on conver- «Bl l^^rtaaM^B 1 It^^M^M j^^S^wM! mi^^m^^^^|[[ll^^^^^Slfi^^A It is the same in eon-
sations with her in //W^^m^^^^^^^m W/nlMl/WwBM^^^^^^ffl llflllllJ ^^^BI'l^^^^^^^l^^^vV versation. I never
each of these three Wjii&im fe-TB^P w/lnm/mNmL \ lIBi i lllliilt ^^^^Ir^^^M^llll^^^K know, or, if my sub-
imaginary characters, T^^P f Ih^B^^^! Iro^lPillSBP j^CTr?jffwlra llPlgjP! ^^^1'! ^^^^^mRBSSSSS^Ps. 1 consciousness knows,
—and I ask you, is ~£h8m ^^i^mmm^mk ffrfi^^Pffr Ws&s&Z* ^^^^|II^^^^^.||||a^M|M I never remember,
this the way to shine ^^^^^^^1 Willlf^m^mi l^^^^mlWlMi wno anybody is. I
in Society ? You may ^^^m^^^^^^^^Mli'll^^rV^ speak to people about
say, '' Wear spec- ^^^^^^^^^^^^j^^^^^^^^^^^^Vj^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ scandals with which
tacles"—but they are ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^S^—^ they are connected. I
unbecoming. As to ,^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^~* frankly give my mind
an eye-glass, somehow ********* .as—.. ^<^^^^^^^^^ about Mr. Bull's
it irritates people even ' poems to Mr. Duel's
more than mere blindness does. Besides, it is always dropping into j sister-in-law. I give free play to my humour about the Royal
Academy in talk with the wife of an Academician of whom I never
heard. I am like Jeanie Deans, at her interview with Queen
Caroline, when, as the Macallum More said, she first brought
down the Queen, and then Lady Suffolk, right and left, with
remarks about unkind mothers, and the Stool of Penitence.
Thus you may see me forlorn, with each of my neighbours turning
towards me the shoulder of indignation. I do not blame them, but
how can I help it ? It is the Fairy's fault: the curse has come upon
me. William Buffy, the Statesman, has a great clan of kinsfolk.
Did I ever express my views about William Buffy, but one of
Clan Buffy was there, to be annoyed ? When I find out what has
occurred, I become as red as any tomato, but that does nobody any
good.
Oh, I am a Pariah, I am unfit to live! In a savage country, to
which my thoughts often wander, I would stumble over every taboo,
and soon find myself in the oven. As it is, I stumble over every-
thing, stools and lady's trains, and upset porcelain, and break all the
odds and ends with which I fidget, and spill the salt, and then pour
claret over it, and call on the right people at the wrong houses, and
put letters in the wrong envelopes: one of the most terrible blunders
of the Social Duffer. Naturally, in place of improving, MacDuffer
gets worse and worse: every failure which he discovers makes him
more nervous: besides he knows that, of all his errors, he only finds
out a small per-centage. Where can he take refuge ? If Robinson
Crusoe had been a social Duffer, he and Friday would not have been
on speaking terms in a week. People think the poor Duffer malignant,
boorish, haughty, unkind; he is only a Duffer, an irreclaimable, sad,
pitiful creature, quite beyond the reach of philanthropy. On my
grave write, not Miserrimus (though that would be true enough), but
FUTILISSIMUS.
one's soup.
People are always accosting me, people who seem vaguely fami-
liar, and then I have to make believe very much that I remember
them, and to wait for casual hints. The more I feel confident that
I know them, the more it turns out that I don't. It is an awful
thing to stop a hansom in the street, thinking that its occupant is
your oldest College friend, and to discover that he is a perfect
stranger, and in a great hurry. Private Yiews are my particular
abomination. At one such show, seven ladies, all very handsome
and peculiarly attired, addressed me in the most friendly manner,
calling me by my name. They cannot have taken me for either of
my Doubles,—one is a Cabinet Minister, one is a dentist,—for they
knew my name, The MacDuffer of Duff. Yet I had not then, nor
have I now, the faintest idea who any one of the seven was. My
belief is that it was done for a bet. The worst of it is when, after
about five minutes, I think I have a line as to who my companion
really is, then, my intelligent features lighting up, I make some
remark which ruins everything, congratulate a stockbroker on get-
ting his step, or an unmarried lady on the success of her son in the
Indian Civil Service examination.
The thing goes so far that I have occasionally mistaken my wife's
relations for old friends. Then, when I am hostile, it is just as bad.
I never, indeed, horsewhipped the wrong man, but that is only
beeause I never horsewhipped anybody at all, Heaven forefend!
But once I did mean to cut a man, I forget why. So I cut the wrong
man, a harmless acquaintance whose feelings 1 would not have hurt
for the world. Of course I accidentally cut all the world. Some
set it down to an irritable temper, and ask,. "What can we have
done to The MacDuffer ? " Others think I am proud. Proud! I
ask, what has a Duffer to be proud of P Nobody, or very few, admit