Punch (102.1892)

February 6, 1892.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

69

SO ARTLESS!

Scene—A Cinderella Dance.

Swell (to ingenuous Maiden). " Are you Engaged ? "
Ingenuous Maiden. " No—but—I should so like to be !"

[And, as the old game has it, the consequences ivere-

"COME HITHER, HUBERT !"

"We are able to_present our readers with a few notes of
a lecture to be given by Professor Hubert Herkomer,
11.A. (by tbe kind permission of Author Pinero, Esq.),
to all managers, actors, actresses, scene-painters, authors,
composers, musicians, costumiers, and wig-makers who
will honour him with their attention. On this occasion
the Prof essor will (among other things) explain, by the aid
of a Magic Lantern (an entirely new invention recently
discovered by Professor H. H.) how to enlighten the stage
darkness generally. The Professor will also combat the
erroneous impression derived from the dark ages of Shak-
sPEARE'stime, that the Moon, or the Man in it,—probably
a lime-lighterman,—ought servilely to follow the move-
ments, in order to throw light upon them, of the Prin-
cipal Performer. The Professor will observe—"Such a
course, on the part of the Direction of the Moon, can only
be considered beneficial to Art, when it is directed against
' The Star System.' As each theatrical Star has its own
particular brilliancy, why lug in the Moon ? Shak-
speare, no doubt, had the Stage Moon in full view
when he makes Juliet roundly exclaim, ' Oh, swear not
by the Moon, the inconstant Moon!' as, of course, a
Moon bound to illuminate the business of any one actor
must follow him about, and so, though ' constant' to
him individually, would be open to a general charge of
inconstancy from the spectators in front. Such a course
for tbe Moon to take is, as some of the better instructed
among you may possibly be aware, quite unwarranted
by the lunar laws of Nature, &c, &c."

This interesting entertainment will wind up with a dia-
logue between Arthur (Jones) and Hubert (Herxomer),
of which we give an extract. It represents Arthur as
wishing to produce a piece, which Hubert forewarns him
will be a failure unless he (Hubert) paints the scenery
and manages it generally.

Arthur. Is there no remedy ?

Hubert. None, but to use my eyes.

Arthur '0 Hubert ! If you will, cut down my ' lengths.'

And I '11 be merry as the day is long,

So you don't interfere. You've other irons

Hot in the fire.
Hubert {aside). "With his innocent prate

He will awake my mercy which lies dead.

(Aloud.) Eead this, young Arthur.!

[Gives him a Manuscript.
Arthur (opens it. Starts). "What! a play by you !

To be produced by me ! 0 Hubert !! [Faints.

We regret that want of space prevents our giving any
more of this charming work at present, but no doubt it
will not be long ere the Public has the gratification of
hearing and seeing it all.

A PARAGON FRAME (OF MIND).

[" I never took anybody's umbrella."—Plaintiff
(a Cook) in a recent Breach of Promise Case.]

Common are Cooks, professed, plain alike
And common, youths their sustenance who
feed on,

Common (I'm told) a breach of promise suit,
And common, damages, in courts agreed on;

Common are briefs as blackberries; and fees
Are common quite as "leather and pru-
nella " ;

Common are "unprotected" witnesses _

(" CredaV—as Horace somewhere sings—

"Apella!")
But most uncommon seems a lowly Cook
Who with sincerity can kiss the book
And swear (to shame her betters!) ne'er she

took

By sad " mistake or otherwise," by hook ;

<1

Heavens !"—Recently in the Athenceum,
and copied elsewhere, appeared the most in-
teresting intelligence that has been received
on earth for some time. "The small planet
No. 315 "—no further address is given, an
omission which will, no doubt, be rectified
in the next issue— which was discovered
at Nice by. M. Charlois on the 4th Sep-
tember, 1891,"—the small planet, of course,
not being out of the nurse's arms, was not
responsible for being at Nice at an un-
fashionable time, but this, of course, is the
fault of her parents and guardians—"has
been named Constantia." Rather late to
delay the christening for nearly five months.
Of course, the brilliant infant will not stay
at Nice, except by medical advice, but will
probably return to No. 315, Milky Way (or
elsewhere), on the first opportunity. Sicitur
ad astra !

Or, as will eventuate, by crook, u . c, ^ ., ,

Be it silk or gingham-anyone's umbrella! ! „ c.a ^dent of History" writes to us :-
° I Sir,—I have been reading a great deal

: ■ - | lately on ecclesiastical subjects, and shall be

I very much obliged if you will explain to
t Mrs. Ram on Current Politics.—"Poli- j me briefly what ' Inclosed_Orders' are." [If
ties," says _ Mrs. Ramsbotham, "is one_ of j " A Student" will send us, under cover to

our office, two P. 0. Orders for two pounds

the few things I know nothing about. But
it does seem to me that Lord Grandolph

ten shillings each respectively, further ex-

Churchlll is a white elephant tied round planation than that conveyed by our receipt
the neck of Lord Salisbury." j for the same will be unnecessary.—Ed.]

A RIDDLE.

I 'm underneath your feet

In the streets of London Town,

From town take " t,"

Then give it to me,
And you 'LL sell me for a crown.

Mrs. R. and the Prevailing Epidemic.—
Our excellent friend is now convalescent.
" Like C^sar or Caesar's wife, I forget which
it was," she says, " I have passed the Barbi-
can ! " Some one having suggested that pro-
bably she meant "the Rubicon," Mrs. R.
thanked him politely, but added, that she
perfectly well knew what she was talking
about, and that everyone who was acquainted
with history would understand her classical
delusion.

Puzzler for a Costumier.—A Gentleman
going to a Fancy Dress Ball wants to know
how he can make up for Lost Time ?

Names for the next pair of Tailed Monkeys
sent to the Zoo—" Mr. and Mrs. Caudal."

N.B.—" Confessions of a Duffer," No. IY.
next week.